“The more things change the more they stay the same.”
Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr
Everybody experiences depression differently. I know this. I don’t know how many others experience what I am about to talk about. But if they do then perhaps it may provide some sort of temporary comfort.
I feel as though time has simply just forgot about me. Either that or it no longer holds any relevance. One day just blurs into another. Even with my schedule of work, study, work, train, work etc. I try to make the most of my day. I try to be productive and make my day mean something. But to no avail.
I recently had my 28th birthday. I was even looking forward to it in the weeks leading up. “Things will be different” I thought to myself. “I will feel different.”
But waking up on the morning of my birthday I had a sudden and oppressive realisation. That I was in the exact same place that I was 10 years ago. In this past decade my life had gone nowhere. Many things where different than they were when I was 18. Friends had come and gone. I could now drive. I’ve learned things. But I am still trapped in the same circle that I was stuck in back then. My life still lacks any real meaning. Any direction. I go through the motions day after day out of habit. Trying to find some meaning in what I do. Like a drowning person desperately trying to stay afloat, clutching at a rope that isn’t there.
I remember when I was a child I used to always fantasize about my future. I had dreamt of doing at least a dozen different things throughout those years. Time meant something to me back then. I was ever changing. No two days were alike. I long for that feeling. That excitement. But I can no longer distinguish one year from another.
Perhaps this is what my life was meant to be. Maybe I am bound to be a spiritual drifter. I man of all places yet none. There is the old saying “Not all who wonder are lost”. Whilst this saying provides me with a passing comfort I find myself wondering if I am, indeed, lost. I don’t feel comfortable is my state of uncertainty. Not knowing if I will find the direction that I am looking for.