If our emotions were M&Ms, my box would mainly be the one colour. Don’t get me wrong, it would certainly contain a range of colours to reflect my rather broad emotional vocabulary, but there is one which is well out of proportion to the others and that is anxiety. I have felt it so much and for so long now that it’s just become my “normal” state, and to be relaxed is a privilege. After having little luck with various therapies, relaxation strategies, and anti-anxiety herbs, I’ve just about given up and accepted that I will take this anxiety to the grave with me. But while reading Heller and LaPierre’s “Healing Developmental Trauma”, I came across a different perspective on chronic anxiety which might explain why it’s so ingrained and difficult to change in some people. Continue reading “Chronic anxiety: a reflection”
All around me I am hearing of people who have drowned or nearly drowned, from a dear friend’s cousin to Merav’s story which is published in this week’s GoodWeekend (The Age), and can be read online here. I even had my own experience in January at Point Leo where death brushed over me on an outward bound trip gone-wrong. No longer was it about stepping out of my comfort zone, but fighting for my life. The impact of these experiences are huge on every level, affecting us not only physically but emotionally and also spiritually. It can make us question the existence of God and I find it really quite amazing how things happen when they do, as illustrated in Merav’s story. Coming close to death can also bring us a new appreciation for life. It can make us re-evaluate how we are living our lives as we realise our own fragility and how we never know when our lives could be taken away from us. Death and life are inseparable. Our relationship with death affects our relationship with life. Likewise, our relationship with life, I suspect, affects our relationship with death and our dying experience. While I would describe myself as spiritual, I know I have a lot of hang ups about death which manifests in nightmares, an obsession with healthiness and restricting my diet to avoid anything synthetic (which is perhaps, ironically, now making me unhealthy), a “thing” for loss where I am deeply saddened for the muffin I eat or the bath water I drain, and my panic attacks where at the flick of a switch I feel like I’m dying. There is a little voice in me that’s now asking me whether beneath my fear of death actually lies a fear of life given the two are intrinsically connected. And indeed, water is life. Water is flow, water is what makes up most of our body and water is what sustains us, so what an obscure thing drowning is where the very life-giving substance that water is turns into a terrifying, life-destroying monster, a perfect demonstration of the complex duel nature of such things. Continue reading “Drowning”
“… Despite dealing with racism and child abuse and mental health, it finds moments of beauty and kindness. Moments where Marnie and Anna, two lost children, find hope and love in one another. Their connection crosses time and Death and makes both of them whole, gives them both strength to deal with who and what they are.” Edward J Rathke
I would like to write a brief reflection about one of my all-time favourite films ‘When Marnie Was There’, a fairly new animation put out by Studio Ghibli. I find this film so beautiful in both its simplicity and complexity. While seemingly a kid’s film, it is dark and deals with some very “adult” issues. I was struck by the maker’s insight into the psychology of its characters, and I feel in many ways Marnie represents Anna’s shadow self.
Over the past few years I’ve been exploring a few spiritual healing circles/workshops which I discovered through my networks. It’s difficult to describe the work they do, but in general, across all of them, it has been about clearing and transformation. The work is very intense. I always go through a lot of anxiety before the event, as though the darkness in me knows something’s about to shift and is kicking up a fuss. Then after the event I am left feeling utterly exhausted, but there is something very special about being witness to each member’s journey and the raw emotion they’ve kept hidden from the world, and likewise being seen and held with compassion. Continue reading “Healing with Manena: a personal account”
“Into the forest I go, to lose my mind and to find my soul”
It’s been a while since anyone’s made a post here, so I think I might resurrect this space with an interesting experience. Last Sunday night I had a massive “psychic opening”. Or, went mad, depending on how you look at it. It has certainly given me greater appreciation for the concept of “Spiritual Emergence” put forth by therapist Stan Grof. It’s worth checking out the network here in case you ever find yourself having a “spiritual emergency” or with someone who is. Continue reading “An interesting experience”
Setting and maintaining boundaries is an issue that comes up a lot for me. It is something I have struggled with for a long time and still struggle with but I have come a long way and would like to share what I have learnt in this post.
I like this definition of a boundary which I found on the internet:
A boundary is defined as “the invisible line that separates the participants in a relationship and allows each to maintain a separate identity” (source: The Shack).
Boundaries are a very important, but under-valued, part of relationships. In healthy relationships we can be together and also apart. Boundaries are especially important for HSPs given it takes less for us to become overwhelmed. For me setting a boundary such as a time limit for when I see a friend has made the encounter seem more manageable and I have experienced less dread about it the night before. It has helped me enjoy the time we spend together more.
Anger is a difficult emotion for many HSPs. While quickly dismissed as a “bad” emotion, I feel there is a place for negative emotions like anger. They’re the starting point for doing something about the injustices of this world. While anger has become associated with aggression, violence and destruction, as an activist I observe far more dangerous and destructive states, such as apathy. I’d like to re-post some words of wisdom by Michelle McClintock (psychologist) which I read on the ADAVIC Anxiety Disorders Association of Victoria’s Facebook page and often find myself coming back to.
Now and then we find that story which really hits a chord in us. We may become totally engrossed in the lives of its characters, relating with them, befriending them in our minds, and taking a seat on their emotional rollercoaster. For me, ‘White Oleander’ is one of those stories. Woven like poetry, I feel it may appeal to many HSPs, especially the complexity of its characters. The book is written by Janet Finch and has been turned into a film. I have long wanted to write a blog post about it.
A bit like the poisonous White Oleander flower, the story is both beautiful and tragic. Young Astrid enters the American foster care system after her controlling, narcissistic mother, Ingrid, is sent to prison for murdering her [Ingrid’s] boyfriend. We follow Astrid’s search for love and stability as she moves from carer to carer, confronted with more loss, trauma, and people with personality disorders.
“But the imprint is always there. Nothing is ever really forgotten.”
Evanescence ~ Understanding (Can’t Wash It All Away)
Discovering John Bradshaw’s “inner child” work has been a big part of my own healing journey and is something I am passionate about sharing with other HSPs. In this post I would like to share how his work resonates with me and I will provide some links to his videos for readers who would like to explore this rich territory themselves.
On the Ophra Show, John introduces the wounded “inner child” as that thirsty, needy part of himself which comes out in relationships. It’s the part of himself who needs constant affirmation he is loved, who misconstrues things, who’s quick to feel abandoned. And while John’s conscious mind seems to know he’s being “irrational”, the feelings, the urges, the fears are still there. This is something I too experience but I’ve found very difficult to articulate. There are many psychology tests out there which ask people to rate their agreement with a series of statements (e.g. I am a good person). I always struggle with such an exercise. I am aware of a conflict within my being, between my conscious and unconscious, between my beliefs and my feelings. As I’ve tried to explain it’s almost like there’s two selves who would answer the question differently. I now understand that second self as my “inner child”. The inner child is essentially a semi-independent entity which is subordinate to the waking conscious mind. Continue reading “Healing the inner child”
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