hsphaven

“The tide recedes, but leaves behind
Bright seashells on the sand.
The sun goes down but gentle warmth
Still lingers on the land.

The music stops and yet it lingers on
In sweet refrain.
For every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains.”

Martha Vashti Pearson

An excruciating sense of loneliness has followed me all my life. I never had a solid group of friends as I moved schools seven times. I was always the new girl, the outsider, and wherever I went, I was told how much I was hated. I was bullied at nearly every school and this took the same form each time: exclusion. No hands were laid. Sometimes no words were even spoken, I was simply glared at from across the room. We called it “the evil eye”, a glare reserved for the most despicable. Sometimes I wonder whether that is why people’s faces are a blur to me, my mind’s attempt to protect me from seeing such hatred again. Continue reading “I am not alone” →

Lately I’ve been wondering whether the things that seem to be my main problems really are the problem. There is something beneath these problems which are giving rise to them. I feel like I may need to change my direction / focus completely. Instead of focusing on the depression and apathy, I need to look at my overactive, manic side and my tendency to care “too much”. Instead of worrying so much about my attachment to therapists where they become the centre of my universe, I need to look at what’s going on with my other relationships and my lack of attachment. And, more broadly, to understand my unhappy relationship with life, perhaps I need to look at my relationship with death, for it is our relationship with death that informs the way we live our lives. Never do our lives hit us harder than when we are on our death beds, which goes to show just how deeply entwined the two are. Check out this post by Gustavo, especially the “Write your own obituary” exercise.

For anyone reading this who is similarly feeling stuck, perhaps it is the polar side that you, too, may need to examine. Light casts a shadow. Opposites are more connected than we think.

Over the past few years I’ve been exploring a few spiritual healing circles/workshops which I discovered through my networks. It’s difficult to describe the work they do, but in general, across all of them, it has been about clearing and transformation. The work is very intense. I always go through a lot of anxiety before the event, as though the darkness in me knows something’s about to shift and is kicking up a fuss. Then after the event I am left feeling utterly exhausted, but there is something very special about being witness to each member’s journey and the raw emotion they’ve kept hidden from the world, and likewise being seen and held with compassion. Continue reading “Healing with Manena: a personal account” →

“Into the forest I go, to lose my mind and to find my soul”

It’s been a while since anyone’s made a post here, so I think I might resurrect this space with an interesting experience. Last Sunday night I had a massive “psychic opening”. Or, went mad, depending on how you look at it. It has certainly given me greater appreciation for the concept of “Spiritual Emergence” put forth by therapist Stan Grof. It’s worth checking out the network here in case you ever find yourself having a “spiritual emergency” or with someone who is. Continue reading “An interesting experience” →