Dreaming of sweet summer days with you,
The world fades away
It is only us
Swimming in the sparkling sea,
Ripples of light dancing through me,
Everything I’ve been missing is crystal clear.
I am your only hope,
I will take away your pain.
I will be your umbrella
In the endless rain
Come to me, my weary child,
And I will give you rest.
Ignore those who oppose me,
For I do know you best.
Thirteen years of social exile,
Slander, fear and pretend.
A broken, fucked up family.
Losing your best friend.
The destruction of our planet,
No chance to start anew.
Radiation and noise everywhere you go,
This world is not for you.
You will not be taking your life,
For there’s no life left to take.
Your spirit died a long time back,
Your smile is only fake.
So when you’re feeling lonely,
Remember I am always here.
You don’t have to suffer
Yet another year.
Wash me away,
I do not want to exist today.
I hide my head beneath thick fog.
Strong I am not.
My tears turn me to valleys,
They run all the way to sea,
To your heart and to your home,
Can you feel me?
There I was, adrift amongst the ocean of monotonous routine and empty acts that had become my life, lost in a loneliness and pointlessness that had no horizon. The vastness and emptiness was consuming. Every attempt to fill this void with false people, empty relationships and hopeless hobbies. I was treading water, trying to keep my head above the surface whilst enduring wave after wave of loneliness, insecurity and frustration. I feared that I would be out here forever. Continue reading “The lighthouse”
I’ve always been one for talking. Ever since I was a child I would talk on end. Even to this day I can find it difficult to remain silent. This is due to a variety of deep seeded insecurities and a fear of coming across as boring or disatisfying. Though over the years I have found that with practice it has become easier. This is not to say that I do not see the enjoyment or satisfaction of a genuine conversation. But my words were often without meaning or place. Continue reading “The art of stillness”
“The only people who will be upset by the raising of your boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you not having any”
When I was a child, my parents took me to Rainbow’s End in Auckland, New-Zealand. Being the impulsive child I was, I dived at the tallest ride in the park. Before I knew it I was strapped into a seat which took me and a few others up a massive pole. At the very top, one would enjoy views all over Auckland; that is, before we were suddenly dropped. The drop may have only lasted five or ten seconds, but they were the longest seconds of my life. I begged for the ride to be over and it completely killed my motivation to go on most rides again. I used to get a thrill out of being scared, but this fear was another level altogether. That is exactly what my experience with Ayahuasca was like: being strapped into this thing with no control over its course.
Continue reading “My experience with ayahuasca”
I sit before a plainly dressed, earnest woman and my new case worker. My case worker introduces the woman as a psychiatrist in training. No time is wasted before my mind is picked apart, dissected, analysed like a specimen under a microscope. I am asked a series of questions, questions I have been asked so many times I could rehearse it all back to them. Continue reading “Suicide”