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Haven for the living Princess and the Pea

Poetry and thoughts on “lack of insight”

“There are parts of you that need to be brought back. And if anyone in your life is not okay with that… they are not your people. Your people will be glad to see that spark starting to light up again. So, if you have been slowly fading away my friend, this is the time to start saying yes to things that bring you joy and no to things that don’t. It’s really pretty simple.” Donna Ashworth, From ‘to the women’

“I started calling that girl back. The girl who loved living, the girl who danced instead of walking. The girl who had sunflowers for eyes and fireworks in her soul. I started playing music again, hoping she would come out. I started looking for beautiful moments to experience, so she would feel safe enough to show herself, because I knew she was in there. And she needed my kindness and my effort to come to the surface again.” s.c lorie @ butterfliesandpebbles Continue reading “Poetry and thoughts on “lack of insight””

Ecstatic dance and mood swings

“And those who were dancing were thought to be insane by those who couldn’t hear the music.” Nietzsche

I’ve never really gravitated to Christianity, but Plumb’s music is something that may just convert me. At 1:11am I discovered her song “All Over Again”. I was not expecting to feel so good already having been suicidal the previous night, but my mood took a slightly unpredictable turn.

“This song must have been sent my way by angels,” I wrote to my psychologist. It was quite the change from all my emails the previous night raging against Suicide Prevention Day and saying goodbye, and our session that day where I complained of being dead inside.

“It breathes life into every dejected cell of my body. I am overcome by an ecstatic force which moves me in spontaneous ways, transporting me into a trance. My whole being opens like a sunflower and is bathed in the light of God. I am resurrected.”

I had been grieving the loss of my mania, but perhaps the fire within me hasn’t been extinguished completely afterall. I want to go shopping tomorrow and get some new outlandish clothes from the retro store in town. I don’t care if it looks like I’ve stepped out of a circus! I also stayed up all night dancing in my living room, something which I sometimes do on my own. I then discovered that people actually come together to dance like this. It is called “Ecstatic dancing”, and there are two wonderful videos about it: “What’s happening to people in ecstatic dance”, and “Ecstatic Dance- Short Documentary”.

I must admit I found myself giggling as I began watching these videos, but I was also overcome by joy at finding my “tribe”. For months now I have been looking for a buddy, someone as wild as me to dance with under the moonlit sky dressed up in bright war bonnets. My treating team have all been freaking out and trying to control this unruly force which has erupted in me after 10+ years of depression, telling me about a client who had to be hospitalised because she stripped off her clothes and danced on top of a table while in this state. Yet I have never felt more like myself. It feels less like a pathology and more like a butterfly who has busted out of the cocoon after a long struggle. I don’t know where to find these people, but I know this is where my healing lies. And even though these moments of “mania” or however you want to see it don’t last long, I would be able to carry on knowing they will return.

Living in an alternate dimension, and other thoughts

Losing connection with this world is an eerie feeling which haunts me a lot. I don’t work like the rest of the population and have fled the city after my mental health team put an involuntary hospital order on me. I was already getting pretty unhinged, feeling like life is a dream, that no one else really existed, and perhaps even slipping into psychosis again. I am alone now and I no longer have my mum telling me to get off the screen, go to bed, or wake up. It wasn’t exactly my intention to live a life completely removed from the rest of the world, it’s just kind of happened. I’m having a lot of problems sleeping and have completely reversed my sleep cycle. It’s strange being awake when the rest of the country is asleep, then sleeping when the rest of the country is awake. Then one night the neighbour left their outside light on so my bedroom was bright. It really messed with my rhythms, like day and night were all blurred. Insomnia is torture and I find it very scary because it’s like I am stuck in this world and have no escape. It is a little like the time I took too much marijuana oil and ended up in a drug-induced psychosis. I was in a completely altered state of consciousness where I thought the people I were staying with were raping me, and I could not get out. While this world I’m in now isn’t as demonic as that, it is still distressing not being able to sleep and shut off from it for a while. Last night I ended up just getting up and watching some TV at 3:30am. I felt like a rebel, like I should be soundly asleep, not up watching TV at this hour. The shows get weirder and weirder the later it gets. There were lots of massage ads, and then there was a show called Temptation Island. As somebody who is asexual, I couldn’t relate at all to being overwhelmed with lust and “temptation” for somebody because you’re stuck on an island. I felt even more disconnected from the world. Some channels had just music playing, like they play in elevators, waiting rooms and those new space aged auto toilets. Such is my life, waiting, waiting, always waiting. Waiting for sleep to come. Waiting for my life to start. Waiting to feel better so I can reply to friends or clean up all the dirty dishes sitting around here. “My life is going no where”, I texted my psychologist on Wed. Then I sat by the water and watched a bird forage for food. What a simple life birds have, I thought. Does my life have to be going anywhere? Or can I be content to just eat and chill and do whatever the hell birds and other animals do, not thinking about tomorrow or whether life has a greater purpose?

alone in the universe

Compulsory hospital order

Not long ago I wrote a post about the negligent healthcare system. I had tried to kill myself and waited in the emergency department all night to be seen, only to be sent home. Something I’ve learnt is the system just cannot get it right. This week they swung to the other extreme. Continue reading “Compulsory hospital order”

Mania, anxiety, dissociation, existential crisis and a crazy rollercoaster ride

A few weeks ago I was in hospital as I was so depressed and overdosed on my Valium. I was given a new medication called Effexor. Now I am back here because I am too high, apparently. Continue reading “Mania, anxiety, dissociation, existential crisis and a crazy rollercoaster ride”

Ode to Livedo Reticularis

Under my skirt

Inside my thigh

A web-like pattern

Greets the eye

How it made me

Ever so shy

It made me cry

And want to die.

But then at night

Within my dreams

My legs grew scales

Under moon beams

So now I do not cry but fly

For a mermaid am I.

mermaid scales final

Walking in the storm

Her doctor lets her read her hospital notes and her psychiatric history which takes up an entire page. “Borderline personality disorder”, “autism”, “social anxiety”, “schizoaffective disorder”, “anorexia”, “schizoid personality disorder”… “She doesn’t often call psych triage out of fear of abandonment”? Does anyone have any fucking clue what is going on with her? It is almost midnight, she leaves her house and walks up the road into the storm, furious wind blowing her overgrown fringe, mattered hair and rain drops. She wonders if it’s going to pour, but the rain drops are strained like her tears, stuck inside angry clouds. She kicks debris off the road and picks up a stick which is now her walking stick. If one listens carefully, over the sound of the wind a steady clunk, clunk, clunk of her walking stick can be heard as she makes her way along the road, a lone, shadowy figure in the eye of the storm, the only person crazy enough to go out. She likes to walk and run at odd hours. She likes to be awake when the rest of the world is asleep. But this time her heart races and a familiar feeling of entrapment haunts her. It’s bad, but she fears the worst is yet to come: thunder and the lightening, just like in her nightmares, and she has strayed too far from home. She reaches the top of the hill, then turns around and makes her way back down again. Clunk, clunk, clunk. Everything feels like a dream. Suddenly there is a lul in the wind. She rejoices in the silence and stillness. This is what she imagines death to feel like. Terrifying at first, but once it takes us, we will finally be at peace.

The last week

It’s been a long way down and it’s a long way up. I can’t seem to get a leg up. I have one night of sleep then am back to more sleepless nights. I find the energy to clean up a bit, but then my room deteriorates again. I have one day of no shopping then blow hundreds of dollars in one night. One step forward, two steps back. I have been slowly sinking. I am tip toeing on a tightrope, the smallest gust of wind able to blow me off. Continue reading “The last week”

Skating on thin ice

She skates on ice,

She falls on ice

She cries on ice as she knows the fragility of ice.

One day the season will come

When her foundation melts away

And the bottomless pit of sorrow will swallow her up

as though her life is on replay.

ice-skating-novice

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