Only two months ago you had the cops chase me across the country because I was so “unwell”, and you tell me I could get manic and psychotic again. Now you are saying I am doing really well and are talking about discharging me. It feels like you’re just trying to push me out the door and it is extremely invalidating of what I continue to go through. My problems are not going to just disappear overnight. This is going to be a lifelong battle and I need [inset clinic’s name]. Yes, for a few weeks I have not had a crisis. For a few weeks my suicidal thoughts haven’t been as strong. But I am far from well. My suicidal urges are a shore which has been receding and has now come back as a tsunami. I have never felt urges this strong in my life. I have been through this same pain before but instead of getting easier it only gets worse. What I am experiencing is a cumulation of trauma and I can’t believe you are considering discharging me and putting me through this again. Even the mere talk of it has been enough to set me back terribly. Do you have any idea what you have put me through? On Friday I could not get up off the ground outside and I could not speak. I wailed like I’d lost someone I love. I should have been admitted to hospital but I was not because you keep telling everyone I am really well! I have always trusted you and felt you got me but I’m not sure I do anymore. It was negligent to send me home in the state I was in (and dump the problem on my poor dad who is barely coping himself). Don’t put words in my mouth that I am doing really well and I don’t need you like I used to. Continue reading “A letter to my mental health team”
Last night I decided to make a therapy room on Animal Crossing. I had enough bits and pieces of furniture to play with. I turned my beach chair into a Freudian couch. I am really pleased with how it looks. Continue reading “Animal Crossing and reflections on therapy”
I am your computer
Notifications give you a boost
But one day you’ll realise I have you tied in a noose.
Your real life slips away
And is replaced by me,
You are now living a whole new reality.
You have lost all other hobbies,
And your ability to write.
Instead, you find, you can only type.
Your face burns from overuse,
You want to get away,
But, in my clasp, you will always stay.
While once you went online
just a few times a day,
Now you check Facebook until your mind starts to fray.
You feel out of control,
You’re screaming inside,
You turn to your blog in which you confide.
I stop you from sleeping,
You lie wide awake
Now you have come down with a nasty headache.
You realise you have a problem,
You try to seek some help,
But drugs get all the spotlight… no body hears your quiet yelp.
Yet you know I am just a drug in disguise.
I take away your stress.
And without me all that’s left is emptiness.
“There are parts of you that need to be brought back. And if anyone in your life is not okay with that… they are not your people. Your people will be glad to see that spark starting to light up again. So, if you have been slowly fading away my friend, this is the time to start saying yes to things that bring you joy and no to things that don’t. It’s really pretty simple.” Donna Ashworth, From ‘to the women’
“I started calling that girl back. The girl who loved living, the girl who danced instead of walking. The girl who had sunflowers for eyes and fireworks in her soul. I started playing music again, hoping she would come out. I started looking for beautiful moments to experience, so she would feel safe enough to show herself, because I knew she was in there. And she needed my kindness and my effort to come to the surface again.” s.c lorie @ butterfliesandpebbles Continue reading “Poetry and thoughts on “lack of insight””
“And those who were dancing were thought to be insane by those who couldn’t hear the music.” Nietzsche
I’ve never really gravitated to Christianity, but Plumb’s music is something that may just convert me. At 1:11am I discovered her song “All Over Again”. I was not expecting to feel so good already having been suicidal the previous night, but my mood took a slightly unpredictable turn.
“This song must have been sent my way by angels,” I wrote to my psychologist. It was quite the change from all my emails the previous night raging against Suicide Prevention Day and saying goodbye, and our session that day where I complained of being dead inside.
“It breathes life into every dejected cell of my body. I am overcome by an ecstatic force which moves me in spontaneous ways, transporting me into a trance. My whole being opens like a sunflower and is bathed in the light of God. I am resurrected.”
I had been grieving the loss of my mania, but perhaps the fire within me hasn’t been extinguished completely afterall. I want to go shopping tomorrow and get some new outlandish clothes from the retro store in town. I don’t care if it looks like I’ve stepped out of a circus! I also stayed up all night dancing in my living room, something which I sometimes do on my own. I then discovered that people actually come together to dance like this. It is called “Ecstatic dancing”, and there are two wonderful videos about it: “What’s happening to people in ecstatic dance”, and “Ecstatic Dance- Short Documentary”.
I must admit I found myself giggling as I began watching these videos, but I was also overcome by joy at finding my “tribe”. For months now I have been looking for a buddy, someone as wild as me to dance with under the moonlit sky dressed up in bright war bonnets. My treating team have all been freaking out and trying to control this unruly force which has erupted in me after 10+ years of depression, telling me about a client who had to be hospitalised because she stripped off her clothes and danced on top of a table while in this state. Yet I have never felt more like myself. It feels less like a pathology and more like a butterfly who has busted out of the cocoon after a long struggle. I don’t know where to find these people, but I know this is where my healing lies. And even though these moments of “mania” or however you want to see it don’t last long, I would be able to carry on knowing they will return.
Losing connection with this world is an eerie feeling which haunts me a lot. I don’t work like the rest of the population and have fled the city after my mental health team put an involuntary hospital order on me. I was already getting pretty unhinged, feeling like life is a dream, that no one else really existed, and perhaps even slipping into psychosis again. I am alone now and I no longer have my mum telling me to get off the screen, go to bed, or wake up. It wasn’t exactly my intention to live a life completely removed from the rest of the world, it’s just kind of happened. I’m having a lot of problems sleeping and have completely reversed my sleep cycle. It’s strange being awake when the rest of the country is asleep, then sleeping when the rest of the country is awake. Then one night the neighbour left their outside light on so my bedroom was bright. It really messed with my rhythms, like day and night were all blurred. Insomnia is torture and I find it very scary because it’s like I am stuck in this world and have no escape. It is a little like the time I took too much marijuana oil and ended up in a drug-induced psychosis. I was in a completely altered state of consciousness where I thought the people I were staying with were raping me, and I could not get out. While this world I’m in now isn’t as demonic as that, it is still distressing not being able to sleep and shut off from it for a while. Last night I ended up just getting up and watching some TV at 3:30am. I felt like a rebel, like I should be soundly asleep, not up watching TV at this hour. The shows get weirder and weirder the later it gets. There were lots of massage ads, and then there was a show called Temptation Island. As somebody who is asexual, I couldn’t relate at all to being overwhelmed with lust and “temptation” for somebody because you’re stuck on an island. I felt even more disconnected from the world. Some channels had just music playing, like they play in elevators, waiting rooms and those new space aged auto toilets. Such is my life, waiting, waiting, always waiting. Waiting for sleep to come. Waiting for my life to start. Waiting to feel better so I can reply to friends or clean up all the dirty dishes sitting around here. “My life is going no where”, I texted my psychologist on Wed. Then I sat by the water and watched a bird forage for food. What a simple life birds have, I thought. Does my life have to be going anywhere? Or can I be content to just eat and chill and do whatever the hell birds and other animals do, not thinking about tomorrow or whether life has a greater purpose?
Not long ago I wrote a post about the negligent healthcare system. I had tried to kill myself and waited in the emergency department all night to be seen, only to be sent home. Something I’ve learnt is the system just cannot get it right. This week they swung to the other extreme. Continue reading “Compulsory hospital order”
A few weeks ago I was in hospital as I was so depressed and overdosed on my Valium. I was given a new medication called Effexor. Now I am back here because I am too high, apparently. Continue reading “Mania, anxiety, dissociation, existential crisis and a crazy rollercoaster ride”
Under my skirt
Inside my thigh
A web-like pattern
Greets the eye
How it made me
Ever so shy
It made me cry
And want to die.
But then at night
Within my dreams
My legs grew scales
Under moon beams
So now I do not cry but fly
For a mermaid am I.