It is a sunny Autumn day in the park, orange leaves scattered around trees like confetti. I lay sprawled out on the open grass in the middle of the park. The sun is a warm hug, while the cool breeze stops me from getting too hot. As the wind caresses me, I hear her soft whisper. “Let me take this from you”, she says, and, like a broom sweeping up the dirt on the floor, she cleanses me of my sorrow. The weight I carry daily has been lifted, and for once I feel normal. I feel part of life happening around me- the cyclists, the distant sound of kids playing on the playground, the ice-cream van. I want to freeze this moment, capture it in a bottle like pixie dust and never let it go. But alas the dark clouds have rolled in again, and I’m left clinging to the fraying memory of life without depression.
I always felt different from my peers at school. I remember clearly the day we were sitting on the second story of the sports centre watching the boys play basket ball below. The other girls would point out the boys they thought were “hot” and lust over them. I didn’t understand how they could feel something for someone they didn’t know. I found no one at school “hot”, and didn’t care about relationships or sex. Continue reading “Coming out post”
If I could take away your pain I would. I would take every part of it and send it far away. But I cannot, no matter how hard I try, so instead I’ll sit here with you so you don’t hurt alone.
If I could help you through all your problems I would do so without hesitation. But I can’t so instead I will walk along side you and help you navigate through them.
If I could stop you from feeling alone and isolated I would do so in a heartbeat. But it’s not in my power to do so. Instead I will be you’re friend no matter what. I will stand with you.
If I could hold you and tell you everything will be okay I would. But I can’t as I am just as lost and scared. But I will hold your hand and we can comfort eachother.
If I could be whatever you needed me to be I would be just that. But I’m not that person. Instead I’m broken and deeply flawed. But together we will grow and become what eachother needs. And with this we will be okay.
This is a short piece I wrote to my psychologist a few weeks ago.
TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE
Do you think I could actually do it? I fantasise about it all the time, but do you think I could turn that fantasy into a reality? Like when a dream bleeds into real life, no longer confined inside of us. We find ourselves screaming into the dark, still house. Or we can no longer distinguish a dream from real life, stumbling through the fog which is our familiar surrounds, unable to feel our body or the floor, not knowing whether we are awake or asleep. There is a certain loneliness that comes when our thoughts and urges remain just that: bolted to the chamber of our minds, never translating into behaviour. 1 in 10 people with Borderline Personality Disorder die by suicide, it’s said. Will I be that 1 in 10? Can I bring myself to swallow a pill, and another, and another, until the whole pack’s gone, then follow it down with a bottle of alcohol? Or will it remain a lonely thought, bright yet distant as the stars? Burning for expression… A fire that only I can see.
For as long as I’ve known, I’ve always shared a special connection with nature, especially water. Nature brings me comfort in ways that people do not. Not many people truly understand this bond. The Aboriginal people did. Nature is an intrinsic part of who they are. The traditional Aboriginal people do not see themselves as owning the land, but rather, the land owns them. They belong to the land and it must be looked after and respected. I feel like I’ve been born in the wrong culture. It breaks my heart to see the way we are destroying our planet… the way nature is treated like a dump. Recently I found out that Australia’s largest energy supply retailer, AGL, wants to build a giant gas terminal and pipeline just along from my favourite beach in Westernport Bay, Balnarring. The pipeline will go all the way to Pakenham, and AGL will be dumping a whole lot of chorine into the water every day. I find myself in terrible grief over this news. I spent my psychology session this week on the floor of the office crying, have had thoughts of suicide, and am spending a lot of time in bed. It is really hard to do anything when I am so sad. I can’t stop thinking about the pollution and devastation AGL will cause. Not many people would understand my reaction. But to help people empathise, I explain it is like losing somebody you’re close to. The beach is a special spot I go to with my dad. I have an animistic and anthropomorphic worldview, which means nature is not just an object to me. I attribute human qualities and life to places like Balnarring Beach. Like people, it has its own personality, not to mention the birds and sea creatures that call it home. This makes it very difficult for me to hurt/exploit nature, and is why I get so upset when people and big companies do. Continue reading “Connection with nature”
I wore a blonde wig
So you wouldn’t recognise me.
So I was a stranger to you.
Why, I don’t know.
With or without the wig,
I am just a stranger now…
As real as a dream
As a ship on the horizon.
As paper chain people,
And as lost
As our childhood innocence
When we found happiness
Rolling down grassy hills
Or collecting cicada shells
Forgetting that we will ever grow old.
Today I joined a group on Facebook called “Clients Harmed by Therapy.” When I first stepped foot in a therapist’s office nine years ago, little did I know my life was going to take a turn for the worst. Little did I know that this thing which was meant to help me would make me want to die. Little did I know that I would spend the next nine years of my life depressed. Therapy became a drug, and its ending a horrific withdrawal. I wish it carried a black box warning. Continue reading “Harmed by therapy”
Depression is like drowning. Every day is a battle to keep your head above water. You must be a superman/woman/person to survive it. To drag yourself to do things, even as small as having a shower or getting dressed. To bounce back from things that go wrong in your day as your reservoirs are already depleted. To endure hours, days, weeks, months and years of torture, a life devoid of pleasure, of hobbies, of connection to other people. You start your days behind as you most likely had no replenishing sleep that night. You try to sleep your day away, but at its worst, you cannot sleep, or wake up bright and early for another day with depression. Depression is like the dementors from Harry Potter sucking away the person and the joy you once had, leaving you an empty shell.
I have battled depression for eight years now. I’m a survivor and a figher. Many times in my life I’ve thought that’s it, I’m a goner, but I’m still here. And I’ve fought to still be here. As bad as my depression is right now, I know I will most likely survive another week. But I do get tired of treading water. There is a part of me that wants to surrender. That is why I find so much peace in the song “Never Let Me Go” by Florence + The Machine.
“And it’s over and I’m going under
But I’m not giving up
I’m just giving in
Oh, slipping underneath
So cold and so sweet
In the arms of the ocean”