Search

hsphaven

Haven for the living Princess and the Pea

Category

Uncategorized

Broken image

Looking in the mirror one morning I realised that I didn’t remember the last time I was happy with myself. I’m not talking about my negative view of my physical appearance, which is something I also struggle with, but my inner self.

I hide behind a veil of confidence and humour trying to hide a deep seeded self-consciousness. Ever since high school I’ve been putting on an act, some theatrical character, because I figured people would like him better than they would me. There was a point early on where I was me, the real me, but I wasn’t accepted. I was cast out and bullied and made to feel like a freak for being who I was. And so I became someone else. Somebody who I hated. Somebody who I wish would go away.

There are only a handful of people whom I can be my true self around. People who I feel safe enough around to drop the act, to stop pretending. It’s strange but I’m almost scared to stop acting for fear that I won’t like what I find.

As I said most of us are broken and are merely trying to fix the cracks. But I want to stop pretending. I want to be able to be who I am and not fake it. To show everyone that I can have the confidence to be myself regardless of whether people like me or not. Then I would be able to look at myself and like what I see.

Layers of self

We are like flower buds with many layers/dimensions. The Energetics Institute breaks these layers down on their website.

There is the self we present to the world. This is called the “Social Mask”, and is what we pretend to be so that we will be accepted. Behind this is the “Lower” or “Shadow” self, the “Primal Wound”, our dark side which we learn to hide. But there is a side even deeper than the Lower Self. This is our “Higher” self, our core, our soul self, our Life Force. This is the pearl which only the deepest sea diver will get. We need to go through our shadow self to find it. Continue reading “Layers of self”

Living in isolation

The coronavirus is giving many people a taste of how I’ve been living for YEARS now… the isolation, the lack of touch, the lack of structure, the aimlessness and lack of purpose. Little has changed for me, and yet this existence suddenly feels more unbearable than ever. I know I can still see my friends one-on-one but it all feels pointless because I’m lonely even when I have company. Something separates me from people. My therapist calls it a “space suit”. When we have experienced trauma, we pull back from the world, and only relate to it via the space suit. But it starts to get very lonely in here and actually it’s like being starved to death if we keep the space suit on for too long. We can’t feel the things that make interacting worthwhile, we can’t experience intimacy, and we walk away frustrated that people don’t meet our real self. Instead all they know is the space suit, and some even fall in love with the space suit believing they have found true connection.

Eyes oceans deep

It was the first time

I could look into another’s eyes

without feeling as though

I am blinded by the sun.

But just as our eyes

were about to meet,

you said you had to go,

that somebody else

was waiting for you.

You said you’d come back.

You never did.

I guess you drowned,

in eyes oceans deep.

The shadow

I awoke early this morning, at about 3:15, from a deep sleep. I don’t know why I awoke. It wasn’t for any particular reason as I’d had no nightmare nor was there any sudden loud noise or distraction. But I was wide awake.

I sat up feeling cold and uneasy as though I wasn’t alone. I felt a shiver crawl up my spine as I sat there trying to get my head right. It took me some time to remember where I was. I’ve lived in three places in the last two months and don’t feel at home anywhere at the moment. Continue reading “The shadow”

Shapeshifter

You are the warm bath which melts my frozen heart.

You are the womb which cocoons me from the world.

You are the river letting my tears flow again.

You are the spring from which all life comes.

You are the waves of grief which hit.

You are Mariana’s Trench, a dark and unreachable place.

You are the freezing arctic sea.

You are the blade of ice where my heart used to be.

A poem about DSPS (Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome)

My love affair

With the night

Has turned into

A crippling blight

 

For while sweet stillness

Brings me to life.

When the sun rises

I am in strife

 

I cannot get up

When society rises.

I cannot sleep

When everyone retires.

 

The middle of my night,

Is the start of your day,

And I am wide awake

When your alertness starts to fray.

 

I live this life,

So removed from the world,

A 9-5 job,

Can only be hurled.

 

For when I try

to fit the mould

I’m always late,

And met with scold.

 

I am one of many,

With an invisible disability,

So please have compassion,

There is more to what you see.

Boat

A piece I wrote about being held back by fear of rejection and going for what you want. Inspired by a poem called “The Anchor“.

I wait patiently at the dock,

For skippers to come my way.

Hoping each time,

That I will find the one I’ve been longing for.

The one who will breathe life into these sails.

Who will tend to me, patching up my chipped paint,

My worn body,

Making me new again. Continue reading “Boat”

Empty

The hole in me is oceans wide.

From all the love I’ve been denied.

Filling it I have tried

With shopping, busyness, until I’m fried. Continue reading “Empty”

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑