I lie on my hospital bed with earplugs in my ears to soften the announcements that blast from the overly loud speaker in the ceiling. They are codes, mostly Code “Grey”. I feel a surge of envy every time a code is announced. Not, of course, for the distress and suffering of the person involved. What I envy is that their pain is visible and now they will be receiving all this attention. If there was one thing I miss about my time on marijuana was the way it lifted a lid in me and everything that I really felt came gushing out like a burst water main. That night, two people saw the real me. Continue reading “Fine on the outside”
TRIGGER WARNING: This post may be very triggering for anyone who’s experienced sexual abuse
“When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive.” Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
I have a serpent who lives under the bed.
His name is Tinnitus, or so it’s said.
At night when it’s quiet he hisses in my ear,
He makes me feel so very queer.
He robs the silence I once enjoyed.
Now I am just so very annoyed.
I cannot sleep, I want to scream,
My sanity is bursting at the seam
For I want to die and I await in fear
Of the sound of the serpent no body else can hear.
I’m a ticking time bomb. This, I have felt for a very long time. These past few weeks things have become too much. I don’t know if it’s because I cut my medication, because my psychologist is taking leave, because of my mum’s cancer scare, or simply because I’m growing tired treading water, but I am not ok. Continue reading “Not coping”
When I was in school I painted an eagle for a friend. He reminded me of an eagle as he had a real gift of sight. He was able to notice the tiniest details, and see into people. He told me something big brewed in me and he wasn’t sure if it was good or bad. I now realise it is both. My life has felt like one downward spiral. I have truly known the darkest nights of the soul. I have spent my entire 20s wanting to die. But they say the trees that are slowest to grow bear the most fruit. I feel like something is brewing in me, like a butterfly in a cocoon. At times it’s felt bad, like I’m about to go crazy, like I’m about to scream, walk in front of traffic, or my suicide fantasy is about to turn into reality. But today such an amazing part of me emerged. Continue reading “Zara”
This time six years ago I was taken to a psych ward for the first time after my psychologist told me she would not see me anymore. I was found lying on the nature strip by a road. When I was in the psych ward I had no idea where the fuck I was. My psychologist called me and accused me of going to hospital to punish her/make her feel bad. After that phone call I fell to the ground and cried. My nurse told me to get up, that I was acting like a baby, and threatened to inject me. The nurses were horrid. I felt so unsafe there I couldn’t sleep and looked dreadful. I tried to leave but couldn’t. I called the police but they wouldn’t do anything. When I finally got out I was very disoriented and kept having nightmares that I was still there. Continue reading “Hopeless”
It’s World Autism Acceptance Week. I am 29 and was only diagnosed the past few years. My life would have been better if I had of known earlier. I didn’t know how to explain to people why I had to leave their party, why I was breaking down on school camp, and why I avoided assembly which I found too loud. I remember the day a friend made me cry when she accused me of “walking out” of her party and being rude. I also remember the day she said I looked like I was “perving” on her boobs as I couldn’t make eye contact. I made this video about my experience and would like to share it for Autism Acceptance week.
Sometimes I hate being so sensitive. It is like having no skin. The world and the medical field can be so damaging to highly sensitive people. A week ago I went to the dentist and he cleaned my teeth. My teeth are still hurting a week later. I worry they will never come good. It is really hard to get off medications as I am so sensitive to the slightest reduction in dose. Right now I am trying to come off a drug called olanzapine and this is stopping me from sleeping. I also still have a tremor and sometimes get “shocks” when I’m about to fall asleep which were caused from an antidepressant I stopped years ago. I have to wear industrial grade earmuffs when out or in the kitchen as I am so sensitive to noise. I feel people’s (and animal’s) pain as if it’s my own. And loss and disappointment, no matter how small, knock me down like Jack and Jill. A few weeks ago I saw something online that I wanted to buy, but the seller sold it to someone else. I am still stewing over it. Then today I found some medicine I’d left in the car over the summer. The packet said to store it below 30 degrees. I’ve ruined it, and it’s not easy to replace it either. I cannot bounce back from these things. They tip me deeper and deeper into my depression. But when things do go right, such as finding something I thought I’d lost, I get so elated it’s like going from the bottom of the ocean to the stars. There is no in between. Continue reading “Update: sensitivity and depression”