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Haven for the living Princess and the Pea

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Life inside the BPD mind

You list all that you have accomplished: clarifying my diagnosis, getting me on the NDIS, getting me into Spectrum.

“Is there anything we’ve missed?” you ask me. “Is there anything else you need?”

“I need you,” would be the honest answer, but I do not let it escape my lips.

As you summarise your progress, it sounds as though you’re wrapping up our time together. You don’t see a need for you anymore. Pain builds inside me like a tsunami, yet no tears reach the shore.

“Are you trying to get rid of me from this service?” is all that comes out.

You tell me there are no plans to finish up with me in the immediate future. It is not the answer my mind is looking for. I need you in my life not just in the immediate future, but forever. Tell me you will stay with me forever. Continue reading “Life inside the BPD mind”

To be grateful

The other night I had a good, long talk with myself. I had to call myself out on my attitude towards an important relationship. I realised that I had not been as grateful or appreciative of what I’ve had as I should have been.

I found myself always wanting to spend more time with my friend. Always thinking about planning for the next meeting or activity together. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend more time with somebody. When you meet someone you connect with it’s only natural to want to spend time with them. But I wasn’t being as patient or understanding as I should have been. Not as much as they deserved. I would hope to see them and be disappointed when it didn’t happen. I would often be upset because I couldn’t see them as often as I would like. Continue reading “To be grateful”

Lost

The clothes drier is a drill into my scull.

It’s hum incessant, pausing only briefly before continuing to deepen its reach.

Clothes spin round and round,

Thoughts spin round and round,

Why am I going round and round, in and out of hospitals, getting no where?

Broken image

Looking in the mirror one morning I realised that I didn’t remember the last time I was happy with myself. I’m not talking about my negative view of my physical appearance, which is something I also struggle with, but my inner self.

I hide behind a veil of confidence and humour trying to hide a deep seeded self-consciousness. Ever since high school I’ve been putting on an act, some theatrical character, because I figured people would like him better than they would me. There was a point early on where I was me, the real me, but I wasn’t accepted. I was cast out and bullied and made to feel like a freak for being who I was. And so I became someone else. Somebody who I hated. Somebody who I wish would go away.

There are only a handful of people whom I can be my true self around. People who I feel safe enough around to drop the act, to stop pretending. It’s strange but I’m almost scared to stop acting for fear that I won’t like what I find.

As I said most of us are broken and are merely trying to fix the cracks. But I want to stop pretending. I want to be able to be who I am and not fake it. To show everyone that I can have the confidence to be myself regardless of whether people like me or not. Then I would be able to look at myself and like what I see.

Layers of self

We are like flower buds with many layers/dimensions. The Energetics Institute breaks these layers down on their website.

There is the self we present to the world. This is called the “Social Mask”, and is what we pretend to be so that we will be accepted. Behind this is the “Lower” or “Shadow” self, the “Primal Wound”, our dark side which we learn to hide. But there is a side even deeper than the Lower Self. This is our “Higher” self, our core, our soul self, our Life Force. This is the pearl which only the deepest sea diver will get. We need to go through our shadow self to find it. Continue reading “Layers of self”

Living in isolation

The coronavirus is giving many people a taste of how I’ve been living for YEARS now… the isolation, the lack of touch, the lack of structure, the aimlessness and lack of purpose. Little has changed for me, and yet this existence suddenly feels more unbearable than ever. I know I can still see my friends one-on-one but it all feels pointless because I’m lonely even when I have company. Something separates me from people. My therapist calls it a “space suit”. When we have experienced trauma, we pull back from the world, and only relate to it via the space suit. But it starts to get very lonely in here and actually it’s like being starved to death if we keep the space suit on for too long. We can’t feel the things that make interacting worthwhile/meaningful, we can’t experience intimacy, and we walk away frustrated that people don’t meet our real self. Instead all they know is the space suit, and some even fall in love with the space suit believing they have found true connection.

Eyes oceans deep

It was the first time

I could look into another’s eyes

without feeling as though

I am blinded by the sun.

But just as our eyes

were about to meet,

you said you had to go,

that somebody else

was waiting for you.

You said you’d come back.

You never did.

I guess you drowned,

in eyes oceans deep.

The shadow

I awoke early this morning, at about 3:15, from a deep sleep. I don’t know why I awoke. It wasn’t for any particular reason as I’d had no nightmare nor was there any sudden loud noise or distraction. But I was wide awake.

I sat up feeling cold and uneasy as though I wasn’t alone. I felt a shiver crawl up my spine as I sat there trying to get my head right. It took me some time to remember where I was. I’ve lived in three places in the last two months and don’t feel at home anywhere at the moment. Continue reading “The shadow”

Shapeshifter

You are the warm bath which melts my frozen heart.

You are the womb which cocoons me from the world.

You are the river letting my tears flow again.

You are the spring from which all life comes.

You are the waves of grief which hit.

You are Mariana’s Trench, a dark and unreachable place.

You are the freezing arctic sea.

You are the blade of ice where my heart used to be.

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