During my last week in hospital I started to feel a bit off. I had several extremely vivid nightmares. There was the one I wrote about in my last post, and the second one was about a terrorist attack. I had a bout of lethargy so heavy I couldn’t get out of bed, could barely reach for my phone and I missed my lunch. I also felt like coughing, though not much of a cough came out. I had this general feeling of being unwell (malaise) which made it hard to go out. And one day I just couldn’t get my temperature right, turning the air con on and off a zillion times. I was going to do a RAT when I saw my mum, but ended up telling the nurse about my symptoms. I wanted them to give me some slack in the morning and let me sleep, and something I’ve learnt from my mum is that people only back off and show some compassion when you’re physically sick. Continue reading “Sick”
“Only after extracting the last exquisite ounce of agony, only when he had them literally begging for death would he finally kill them.” Snape, Harry Potter
I fell asleep in a dark headspace last night. I think those songs I posted hit a little close to home. Yesterday I also read over an old post I wrote about my horrific ayahuasca experience where I couldn’t breathe and felt like I was dying. Then the corridor here stunk of rotten eggs last night, and somehow my deranged mind contorted up the idea that the hospital was gassing me and the other patients to death, like in the Holocaust. I had a dream where I was trying to get out, but I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was trying to clamber through thick snow, struggling to move. I felt like I was trapped in a house on fire, the exit routes blinded by thick smoke. The male night nurse morphed into Voldemort, and the female night nurse morphed into Victoria, one of the evil vampires in the Twilight series. I finally made it out and tried to escape on my broomstick but I had them chasing me. I couldn’t wake up. It was their intention to torture me and put me through hell rather than kill me straight away. They certainly did that. I had to draw on the love of my spiritual community and a friend who I called when my old case management team tried to section me and I took off in my car. Her voice overlayed the dream like a commentator. It was another one of my demonic dreams full of sheer terror and entrapment.
I have been scarred so much by people who are meant to help me, such as the mental health system. I don’t know who can be trusted anymore. Continue reading “Last night and today: nightmare, shut down response and thoughts on death”
I never know what kind of rabbit holes and laneways my music is going to take me down each night. I would describe my taste as very “emo” tonight, but I’m not headbanging to heavy metal. No, it is much darker and moodier than that. Continue reading “Tonight’s miserable songs”
The BPD diagnosis has been screwing up my life since before I even knew I had the diagnosis, I would turn up into emergency departments as a teenager after overdosing and the nurses would speak quietly amongst themselves, and I would be invalidated by the case management team before being sent promptly home to repeat the process again. I was scared, angry, hurting, suicidal and I had no idea what was wrong with me, but they did they had boxed me and decided I was not worthy of treatment a modern day human rights abuse. No doubt they are having a grand old time exploiting a loop in the mental health act which says personality disorders aren’t a mental illness, I’m sure they get to save themselves a lot of money and time with an overstretched mental health sector that doesn’t look like it’s going to change anytime soon. Continue reading “The Problem with BPD”
“Was there a moment when I felt no pain?
I want to feel it in my life again.
Let it be over now.
Oh Oh over now.”
Sarah Brightman, ‘Only An Ocean Away‘
This is going to be a difficult post to make. I do want to process the last few days, but I also don’t want to re-visit them as they were so distressing. I am also extremely tired now, so don’t have much energy to write a long post. Continue reading “Recovering from my crazy mood swing”
A friend commented today that it seems sometimes like I want to be on the endless rollercoaster and can’t tolerate just being at a normal mood. She wondered why I want to be so high, I might as well take up drugs. This song is the only answer I can really give. It speaks to this war within me. I do get tired of being tossed around and around and some peace would be so nice. But I also am, in a sick and strange way, in love with my bipolar, even though it is killing me and making me demented. I love the highs I’m getting on Dexamphetamine, even though they are costly. I don’t want to “drown my will to fly”. The lows I am a little more willing to let go of, but there’s still even a bit of resistance there too. The darkness, the deepness… they are the things that make me who I am. Many people have shared their interpretations of this song on songmeanings.com and what it means to them. This comment by “hoogli” stood out to me:
“depression can be an addiction. if you’re depressed long enough, it feels unnatural to be happy. i’ve been bipolar in the past. during that time, it felt like hell whenever i was merely content instead of manic or depressed.”
“The bigger they are the harder they fall.” Pitbull – Timber
I’ve been taking Dexamphetamine every day for almost a week now. I can’t remember if I’ve ever taken it this consistently. At home I don’t think I took it every day. I then stopped taking it altogether as it didn’t seem to be making me feel better anymore. But now that I’m in hospital, I am trying it again and have noticed a difference each day I’ve taken it. It’s been lifting me from an extremely depressed and amotivated state to a normal mood for a few hours. But this drug is as unpredictable as the ocean. Often we develop a tolerance to drugs when we take them for a while. Their effect wears off and we require higher doses. I thought I was reaching the end of my honeymoon phase with Dexamphetamine. But looks like our summertime fling is not over yet. My doctor said it can have a stronger effect when taken on an empty stomach. So late morning, just after I got up and before I’d eaten anything, I took it. Holy shit. Its impact was quick. Whether it was the fact I took it on an empty stomach, or I was already in a funny headspace (I didn’t have a good night last night and had some very strange dreams), soon enough I found myself strapped into a rollercoaster beginning its ascent. I read a book for a while, something which I usually don’t have the concentration for. I then started frantically listening to music and messaging a whole bunch of people, including people I had not spoken to for a long time due to my depression. I told them I felt like I’ve finally turned a corner. I felt on top of the world mentally, but very off physically. I felt shaky and weak like I was going to pass out from being so high. I also had a stomach ache. But it was worth it for the high. Continue reading “Dexamphetamine”
I want to cry. I don’t even know why, but I am falling. Maybe it is because I overexerted myself today. Maybe it is all the strange staff here with their strange, archaic rules. Maybe it was the way one of them has taken an interest in me and wanted me to join her groups. I thought it was nice at first, until she wanted me to go to her social skills group and teach me how to make more eye contact. It felt like conversion therapy. It felt like she was trying to change who I am. I am autistic, I don’t need fixing. I went to three groups today. During my final group my phone started ringing. I took it out of my pocket to shut it up but then noticed it was the hospital. I thought I better take the call as they might be worried about me and think I’d gone missing again. I excused myself and went out into the corridor. I then ran into the staff member who wanted me to go to her social skills group, which no body else had signed up for. She told me we’re not allowed phones in group, and if I leave to take a phone call I cannot go back in as it’s disruptive. She said she wanted to talk to me anyway. I felt like a fly caught in a spiderweb. I told her I didn’t know about that rule, and explained that I thought I needed to take the call as it was the hospital. Continue reading “Lost control”
“Soon after the awakening
I flew up in the air
I was a snowflake floating
Through my heavenland
As light as a feather
An ash
Like a grain of sand
From the white desert
And the misplaced time
I really need to find”
Lunatic Soul, ‘Suspended In Whiteness‘
I find myself crying tonight as I think I understand what is going on in me. I wish I could see my psychologist, but she won’t see me while I’m in hospital. The other day I went missing and lost up to three hours. I then reappeared in my bedroom. I thought I had been in there the entire time, but the nurses said they were looking everywhere for me and couldn’t find me. They had left messages on my phone, and were relieved I was ok. I had been suicidal that day, so I understand their concern. Continue reading “Black out reflection”
hsphaven 