hsphaven

Every now and again I get extremely reckless. The recklessness stems from a deep seated misery. This part of me reminds me of Effy from Skins and the way she did drugs and went to parties full of shady characters. I have written about this part before, the way I wanted to ride around the streets at night on my bike, jump off bridges into rivers, or ride on top of cars. I simply don’t give a shit anymore. I don’t give a shit about my life or what people think of me.

The other day I took leave with my disability worker. We went to Warrendyte. I spontaneously decided to jump into the river. I didn’t have any swimmers on me. I wasn’t even wearing a bra. I just took my top off and got in the water in my undies. I didn’t hesitate, like I usually do. I laughed. I put my head under water. Then I waded out a bit and noticed the current was quite strong. I let it carry me along for a bit. Then I grabbed onto a tree branch. I got stuck for a bit and struggled to get back.

My disability worker was a little shaken, and so was the hospital, but it was one of the best things I’ve done in a long time. I felt so much better afterwards. I felt almost like I’d been baptised, born again. I only wished I could have stayed in there longer.

“Trauma isn’t just the bad stuff that happened. It’s also the good stuff that never happened.” Dr Heidi Green

Just like we all have physical needs, we all have basic emotional needs.

We need to be loved.

We need to be understood.

We need to be heard.

We need to be paid attention to.

We need to feel safe. Safe to feel and show our feelings. Safe to be ourselves.

We need to feel protected, that someone has our back.

We need to be respected.

We need to be valued. Continue reading “Empty” →

All around us

There are angels without wings

There are nurses without uniforms

There are demons dressed in white

There is hell disguised as paradise

There are villains wearing capes

There are friends in strangers

And there are strangers in friends

The world is a confusing place

Sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s real or who to trust

But this week the love that touched me

Was as pure as the springs of Lemuria.

On a planet ravaged by war, poverty and greed,

It reminds me of a world that once existed, and could still exist again.

And while drought makes it harder for soil to absorb water,

Somehow I managed to absorb this stranger’s love,

After years of drought inside,

And the cracked soil of my heart.

And as fleeting as it was,

At least I know it is possible to still feel.

Chose love every day.

And keep it close as it’s the most precious gift we can give others and ourselves.

We can have all the money in the world,

But without love we are the poorest man on earth.

My stay in hospital hasn’t been easy. It seems that most of the patients don’t sleep, like me. I hear them up in the night making noises. One night I barely got any sleep. At 5am I went out to the nurse’s station extremely frustrated. I asked for some diazepam and to be put in the sensory room, but the nurse gave me neither. Instead he put me in a room right next to the common area. “What am I going to do when the patients start getting up and making noise?” I asked him. He didn’t really think of that. Alas, as I was trying to sleep, a woman came into the common area and started blasting music from her phone. This was the last straw. I went out and asked her to turn it off as I was trying to sleep. She didn’t care, and told me I should put up the other people here. Continue reading “Hospital hell & BPD stigma” →

Every so often, the night makes me a little wild. The darkness and quiet is a blank canvas my emotions paint the most wonderful yet fragile show on. Not many people see this side to me. I am locked in a psychiatric ward at the moment for what most people think is uni-polar depression. The other night I lay in the rocking chair in the sensory room, a room designed to calm people. It has a wicked “bubble lamp”, a tube which is almost as tall as the room which generates bubbles and changes colour. I couldn’t resist transforming the space into my own ecstatic dance party. I put on some Deep Forest and uplifting psytrance music, and suddenly I was transported into a whole new world. It didn’t feel like a psychiatric ward at all. It was 2am. I danced until my calves ached. I danced until I was ready to sleep, but still I kept cranking up the music. I created my own ayahuasca ceremony, and I didn’t even need the drugs. The music was my drug. The lights were my drug. I knew there would be consequences for this, but it didn’t stop me. Continue reading “Hospital update” →

Things have not got better since I overdosed. They say when you hit rock bottom the only way is up. But as I’ve said before, the ground can continue to cave in under your feet. The fall is endless. For five days I have remained so distressed the only way to get through was to take sedatives and hope they would be kind enough to put me to sleep. Even though I had dreams of being strangled it was still better than being awake. I could not stand being conscious. I was angry all the time, couldn’t do anything and wanted to overdose again and kill myself. I didn’t even know what was causing all this. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I tried to do some internal family systems therapy on myself. “Who are you?” I asked my inner “family” of parts/personalities, but I got no response back. At one point I wondered if I had a demon attached to me. Continue reading “Exile” →

“And what if I’m a snowstorm burning
What if I’m a world unturning
What if I’m an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I’m the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I’m a siren singing gentlemen to sleep”

Emilie Autumn, ‘What If‘

I am nearing the end of my stay in hospital, and I feel like I have got the respite I needed. Mostly. I still didn’t delete my Fet Life account, and have continued to get straight men with disgusting profile pictures messaging me, even when my profile says I’m a lesbian, am asexual and anyone who sends me dick pictures will be blocked. There really are some awful people out there, and every time I got a message it would set me back. Last night I wrote an emotive email to the site telling them I am suicidal and in a psych ward now because of them, and if they won’t help stop these messages, I will be deleting my account. I went to bed at 9pm, and I’m surprised I slept as I was so distressed. Not only did I sleep, but I actually had a beautiful dream. Instead of dwelling on all the things I don’t want, I dreamt of the life I did want. I was living in the countryside, with lots of space. Just over the fence was the property of the soulful woman of my dreams. I watched her dance, and then I decided to join her. We engaged in a seductive duo, and lots of people came to watch as our energy together was so special and so powerful. I then woke up at 2pm, disappointed to be awake, but the magic of my interaction with this women still pulsing through my veins. Continue reading “Coming out post” →

As I mentioned in my last few posts, I have been thinking of going into hospital again. I am now in hospital. I spent a night in the emergency department as I was suicidal, and am now in a private hospital. I am grateful they got me in so quickly, but it hasn’t been easy. I was told the only beds available were in the “Intensive Care Unit” (a locked ward for patients most at risk of hurting themselves). I was going to be given an actual room in the ward, but then was told it needed cleaning, so I would have to spend a night in a curtained area. I was told the room would be cleaned the following day. I was in an extremely vulnerable way when I arrived. I could not handle noise or anything, and really needed a quiet room to myself. I had no door I could close and I could hear everything. I ended up having an autistic melt down, on top of everything else I was dealing with. I just about started screaming at the patients watching TV. Instead, I crumbled inwards. Everything felt like a dream, I couldn’t speak anymore and I felt like a little child. Even after the TV went off and I’d calmed down, it still took a while to regain my voice. I sat on my bed and started building a Harry Potter lego set. The nurse then took me into the interview room to ask me some questions. I brought my bunny with me and had to write everything down as I could not speak. Continue reading “Being autistic in hospital” →