Weekends are always particularly shit for some reason. I relapsed with the alcohol on Sat night. I was in so much pain, more emotionally than physically. I felt so alone. I fear I will never be able to fill this hunger inside of me. I took pills and drank until I was hazy and felt like a ghost. The warmth numbed my ear pain and it was nice to be in an altered state where I didn’t have to feel my body, though I could still hear my stomach carrying on. I think hearing is the last sense to go. Finally I fell asleep. I tried my best not to overdo it with the alcohol. I could have done a lot worse. It was no where near as bad as last year’s overdoses, but I still drank too much and it’s just made everything worse. I’m scared my body’s never going to be the same after Saturday’s drinking. I have so much regret, but I just couldn’t talk myself out of it at the time, even though I knew it was toxic. I’m still fucked from my overdoses last year which left me with POTS, a tremor and a bounding pulse. I’m thinking of leaving my alcohol at my mum’s house so I don’t do it again. Continue reading “The weekend: alcohol relapse” →