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My relationship with my sister, domestic violence, update on where I’m staying + therapy

MY SISTER AND FAMILY

My physio asked me this week what my relationship with my younger sister is like. It got me reflecting on my family even more and I thought I’d write a post about this.

I don’t have much to do with my sister. She lives near the city. She occasionally comes to visit, and has been saying she wants to play badminton with me again, something we did as kids. I got a random text from her a few months ago asking if I wanted to meet her at the trampoline at our mum’s place one night. She had not been speaking with my mum for years so I was surprised. I met her there and bounced on the trampoline with her wearing black angel wings, which I had worn to my psychology appointment earlier that day. We did that thing where you put pressure on the trampoline at particular moments which propels the other person into the air. We played that break the egg game. We then went into the house. Mum had gone to bed, which was good as it would have been weird the three of us together again. We found some of our old childhood toys in the cupboard, such as beanie kids, and brought them into my sister’s old bedroom. Mum had kept the books too, which displayed the entire collection of beanie kids and the new ones that had been released each year. In 1998 there was a rainbow beanie kid called “Proud the Rainbow Bear”. We were impressed how progressive the company was, as same sex marriage has only just become legal in Australia. We looked up how much they’re worth now, but they’re still pretty cheap on Ebay,

We then found some possum puppets and started a puppet play. She kept harassing the poor plush bee with her possum, so I hid it under my old childhood blanket. I then got one of the plastic baby hammers that make a honking noise and hit my sister’s puppet over the head with it.

I rubbed the possum’s hands together, which made it look like it was plotting a murder. My sister suggested talking to people via the puppet now that I’m non-verbal. I started exploring voices for the possum using the app on my phone, which speaks text for me. I was a bit reluctant to see my sister (and in fact, anyone) while non-verbal, but my sister is also autistic and said she has friends who are non-verbal so got it. It wasn’t awkward at all. We found other ways to engage, such as though the puppet play. I made the voice really deep on the app and it sounded incredibly creepy. I then made it high, which suited the possum more, making it sound cute and innocent. Continue reading “My relationship with my sister, domestic violence, update on where I’m staying + therapy” →

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Kundalini (or mania?), attachment, identity and mood swings, physical issues

I don’t even know where to begin with this post. It feels like I’m strapped into a theme park ride being tossed around and around so much that everything’s a blur. I lose all this time, I disappear on friends, and even though I know a lot has happened I struggle to remember it all, so I will have to look over the emails I’ve been writing. Continue reading “Kundalini (or mania?), attachment, identity and mood swings, physical issues” →

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Gut issues and physiotherapy

It’s been a month now and I still have a crook gut. It’s constantly whining and making noises, which is driving me insane and making me not want to see anyone as it’s embarrassing. I’m about ready to scream and punch or stab myself in the stomach. I had some tests done but all that came back was an iron deficiency and a micro parasite called b.hominis. The lab said there is debate about how harmful this parasite is and they do not recommend treating it. Apparently it is resistant to antibiotics anyway. I found a research paper which gave me some ideas on how to treat it with herbs, and I have started taking oregano oil. My physio says my gut issues are more likely stress-induced irritable bowel syndrome. Whatever this is, it’s really messing with me, to the point where I became suicidal again the other night. Yesterday I started reading some disturbing things about radiation disrupting the balance of good and bad bacteria in the gut and possibly creating more pathogens that are anti-biotic resistant. My physio says that there is no science behind 5G fears, but I was actually reading a research article here. The article argues that “long-term low-dose electromagnetic field (EMF) exposure can cause central nervous system dysfunction without effective prevention.” I worry this city is becoming unlivable for me and am thinking about staying at my friend’s house which is off the grid in the middle of the bush. But I really can’t stand living with another person. I’m in a foul mood all the time. I throw stuff in the house and storm off angrily when my dad comes into the kitchen while I’m in the kitchen. Last time I stayed with my friend in the bush I tried to run off as she drained the life out of me. She doesn’t stop speaking and literally follows you into the bathroom. I remember diving into the bushes when she came looking for me, her car crunching down the long driveway.

I’m so overwhelmed and out of it all the time. I was on my way back from my mum’s house this evening and got the fright of my life as I nearly collided with another car. I then realised I’ d driven right through a red light as I was daydreaming. It took me a while to recover from the shock. Continue reading “Gut issues and physiotherapy” →

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Disorganised attachment with the mental health system

The mental health system has become like an abusive parent. I have formed what we call in psychology a disorganised attachment style with them. A disorganised attachment style develops when a child’s caregivers- their only source of safety- become a source of fear. The child no longer trusts the caregiver, realising that they cannot rely on caregivers to meet their needs. The child seeks closeness, but at the same time, rejects the caregiver’s proximity and distances themselves due to fear. That is how I now relate to the mental health system. I called Lifeline this evening as I sat by the train tracks wanting to throw myself in front of a train. I knew what was going to happen. I knew I’d be taken back to the hospital. I wanted help, but I also know there is no help there. When the police came I told them there is nothing hospital can do for me and I tried to run away. A male officer grabbed me by my coat and made me get in the ambulance. The two paramedics were lovely, but even when they assured me that they would try to get the hospital to actually help me this time, I had lost faith in these places. I paced around the hospital corridor and almost picked up the bin and threw it. I was given two yellow olanzapine wafers, which I spat out. I was finally given a proper bed in the resus room which was quiet and had a door I could close. Maybe I should have stayed there, but shortly after the nurse left I got up and walked out through the ambulance bay. I passed a paramedic sitting by the door and gave her a look which said “if you tell anyone I’ll strangle you”. Something told me to run. And I kept on running, until I felt sick with a metallic taste in my mouth and was about to collapse. I caught a taxi home at midnight.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I have all these people in my head arguing. I have voices in my head telling me to kill myself, starve myself, do it all by myself, turn to authorities for help, run, flee, be chased.

I find comfort in Missy Higgins “Where I Stood”. Even though it is about a lover, it speaks to my feelings around the mental health system.

“I don’t know what I’ve done
Or if I like what I’ve begun
But something told me to run
And honey, you know me, it’s all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh, and I found myself listening

‘Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should”

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Chase me and leave me alone: the paradox

dont get attached

I am both in pain and emotionally dead. I don’t know how I can be in so much pain and so empty at the same time. I guess the pain doesn’t fill me, but consumes me. It is hard to write in this state. Nothing will take this awful feeling away. Continue reading “Chase me and leave me alone: the paradox” →

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Depression and attachment disorder

Depression has got me tight in its clasp, squeezing all the life out of me. It’s been twelve years of this now with little reprieve. I want to break down and cry. Everything often feels meaningless. My house looks like a bomb’s gone off in it, stuff all over the tables and benches, and unopened parcels, unpacked bags from all my hospital stays and piles of clothes everywhere. I used to find joy in finding and buying unusual clothing, but I’ve even lost interest in this since my psychologist left me. I can’t remember the last time I cleaned my car (there was even a cockroach in it a little while back but I still don’t think it was enough to get me to clean it). I don’t bother to brush my hair and showering is a huge effort as well. I might have a home cooked meal once in a blue moon. I’ve been taking dexamphetamine hoping it will pick me up a bit so I can enjoy going out and seeing people. I saw my mum today, and felt ok for about an hour, then started to get a headache and my depression took hold again. My face is flat, but a lot is going on behind it. I sat in the car and watched two women about my age waiting for coffee at the coffee van. One of them reminded me of my psychologist because of her build. She rested her head on the other’s shoulder, and the other woman rubbed her back. I felt a wave of sadness come over me. My life is completely bare of this kind of affection and care, and while I long for it, I also hate it. I am too numb to feel anything. Continue reading “Depression and attachment disorder” →

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