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My relationship with my sister, domestic violence, update on where I’m staying + therapy

MY SISTER AND FAMILY

My physio asked me this week what my relationship with my younger sister is like. It got me reflecting on my family even more and I thought I’d write a post about this.

I don’t have much to do with my sister. She lives near the city. She occasionally comes to visit, and has been saying she wants to play badminton with me again, something we did as kids. I got a random text from her a few months ago asking if I wanted to meet her at the trampoline at our mum’s place one night. She had not been speaking with my mum for years so I was surprised. I met her there and bounced on the trampoline with her wearing black angel wings, which I had worn to my psychology appointment earlier that day. We did that thing where you put pressure on the trampoline at particular moments which propels the other person into the air. We played that break the egg game. We then went into the house. Mum had gone to bed, which was good as it would have been weird the three of us together again. We found some of our old childhood toys in the cupboard, such as beanie kids, and brought them into my sister’s old bedroom. Mum had kept the books too, which displayed the entire collection of beanie kids and the new ones that had been released each year. In 1998 there was a rainbow beanie kid called “Proud the Rainbow Bear”. We were impressed how progressive the company was, as same sex marriage has only just become legal in Australia. We looked up how much they’re worth now, but they’re still pretty cheap on Ebay,

We then found some possum puppets and started a puppet play. She kept harassing the poor plush bee with her possum, so I hid it under my old childhood blanket. I then got one of the plastic baby hammers that make a honking noise and hit my sister’s puppet over the head with it.

I rubbed the possum’s hands together, which made it look like it was plotting a murder. My sister suggested talking to people via the puppet now that I’m non-verbal. I started exploring voices for the possum using the app on my phone, which speaks text for me. I was a bit reluctant to see my sister (and in fact, anyone) while non-verbal, but my sister is also autistic and said she has friends who are non-verbal so got it. It wasn’t awkward at all. We found other ways to engage, such as though the puppet play. I made the voice really deep on the app and it sounded incredibly creepy. I then made it high, which suited the possum more, making it sound cute and innocent. Continue reading “My relationship with my sister, domestic violence, update on where I’m staying + therapy” →

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Update: depression, insomnia, fashion, gut issues, annoying neighbours, losing things, favourite person

“For I am finding out that love will kill and save me
Taking the dreams that made me up
And tearing them away
But the same love will take this heart that’s barely beating
And fill it with hope beyond the stars
Only love”

– Trading Yesterday, “The Beauty & The Tragedy” 

I struggle to remember the past few weeks, but I do know that I haven’t been sleeping and my stomach still won’t shut up. Sometimes it sounds like water gurgling down the bathtub drain, other times like a creaking door or like my stomach is full of frogs. Every little thing is agonising; just filling a glass of water feels like running a marathon. I’m angry all the time, I want to cry all the time yet all the tears are stuck inside, and I’m exhausted. Yet I do feel the sun peaking through the clouds a bit more. My mood is slightly better, I’m a bit more active, I’m playing badminton again, my physio is ridiculously nice and patient, my mum has been kindly making me meals that comply to my new diet, and I have been commissioned by my favourite vegetarian restaurant to take some photos of the place. The restaurant is run by a couple who are also neurodivergent. They really get me, and always seat me in the quietest spot away from everyone else. They gave me some times when the restaurant will be empty for me to take the photos, which is great as I get flustered around other people. Continue reading “Update: depression, insomnia, fashion, gut issues, annoying neighbours, losing things, favourite person” →

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Social anxiety, overwhelm, no escape

“Everything you say to me
(Takes me one step closer to the edge)
(And I’m about to break)
I need a little room to breathe
(‘Cause I’m one step closer to the edge)
(I’m about to break)”

– Linkin Park, “One Step Closer“

I don’t know if the world has got louder and more overbearing over the course of my life, or something has changed in me, making me less able to deal with it. I’m now in a constant state of overwhelm. At some point I developed hyperacusis, where a person hears the world ten times louder than most people. There is a great news report on it here. We do get to the point where we have to live our lives inside a padded room.

I tried to buy some dinner the other night as I am not able to cook anything myself. I had left my earmuffs at home, though, as I was flustered trying to get out the door before my dad came home. I attempted to go out in public without them, which was, as the hyperacusis news report described, a “landmine filled anxiety ridden trek”. I wrote the following text to my therapist:

“Fucking trains honking. Fucking cars everywhere that can beep at any moment. Fucking kids having a fucking birthday. Fucking balloons. Fucking metal wind charms attached to the fucking restaurant door which deafen you whenever it opens. Fucking dogs barking. Fucking staff calling out “no 83, no 83” while I have a break down in their fish and chip shop. Fucking people staring at me wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I’ve fled back to my car. I think I’ll just starve.” Continue reading “Social anxiety, overwhelm, no escape” →

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Negligent hospitals, mute, trauma, autistic burn out and the fight for freedom

“You build me up, you break me down. My heart it pounds, yeah you got me. With my hands up, you got me now, you got that sound, yeah you got me.” Ke$ha – TiK ToK

It is the first time I’ve been able to blog since my last post a week or so ago. It’s felt like the longest week of my life. I feel like I could write a whole book on this week alone. The disturbing saga continues, without resolution, like a piano with endless keys which just get lower and lower.

The psych ward only gave me two nights, even though I asked for longer. They wanted to dump me in a facility called PARC, a non-clinical mental health facility, which people stay in for a week as a “step down” from hospital, or a “step up” from home to prevent a hospital admission. But there were questions about my medical stability. I was barely eating and the hospital wanted to do a blood sugar level test which involves pricking your finger but I was scared of the test so refused it. The nurses said they’d come back in half an hour. I then got in the shower when they came to the door to avoid getting the test done. I was so traumatised in general- by life, by the way they just wanted me out when I was acutely unwell- that I became mute. I am still speculating on what is causing my muteness, which I will discuss later, but whatever it was, I just couldn’t will myself to speak. The day of my discharge one of the doctors came in and told me PARC wouldn’t take me if I wouldn’t speak. I felt like she thought I was being manipulative and could blackmail me into talking. I brought up The Shutdown Dissociation Scale research paper on my phone and showed it to her. One of the symptoms is muteness. There is some more great information about the different responses to trauma on this page.

“We don’t follow that here,” the doctor said.

She said if I didn’t go to PARC they’d just be sending me home. I couldn’t believe it.

“So you’re just going to send me home in this state?” I wrote to her, with gestures of disbelief. “This is discrimination against people with disabilities.”

Becoming non-verbal is common in autism when we become overwhelmed, as is shown in the series Heartbreak High, with one of the autistic characters, Quinni, becoming mute for a while after her horrible girlfriend put her through hell.

“I’ll get your discharge papers ready,” the doctor told me. “Have a good day!” Continue reading “Negligent hospitals, mute, trauma, autistic burn out and the fight for freedom” →

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Loss, home, space, solitude and developmental trauma

After a bit of a rough start, I am finally getting the respite that I need. I am staying in a motel set in a quaint garden. People often have weddings here. I have been the only one staying here the past few days which has been lovely. Below is a view from my window. Small birds with long, thin beaks often stop by and suck nectar from the flowers on the bush.

view from window

Continue reading “Loss, home, space, solitude and developmental trauma” →

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Toxic mothers and being suffocated

If you’ve read my last posts, you’d know that life is beating me to the ground right now. I’ve been in hospital three times the past week, and the distress I’ve felt this week has been some of the worst distress I’ve felt in my entire life. I am now on an NDIS-funded respite, which is meant to give me some space and time out from everything.

Today I just kind of crashed. I’ve been so worn out, and have spent most of the day in bed with my phone off and the curtains drawn. I just wanted to be left alone. Then about an hour ago, as the sun began to set, someone started banging on my door. I didn’t know who is was and it scared me. I finally managed to drag myself out of bed and saw through the stained glass window that it was my mum. I opened the door. I was a bit shocked to see her. Continue reading “Toxic mothers and being suffocated” →

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The Mother Wound

It is almost 3:30am but I am not tired, so thought I’d begin the post I was planning on writing next about my mother. I don’t know if I’ve written much about my family on this blog, mainly therapists. But one might argue that the reason I cling to therapists is because I’m really just looking for the emotionally nurturing, attuned mother figure I don’t have with my biological mother.

A friend recently added me to a group for daughters of narcissistic mothers thinking I might get something out of it. I’m not sure if I’d call my mother narcissistic, but I’d like to explore our relationship in this post. Continue reading “The Mother Wound” →

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Sick

During my last week in hospital I started to feel a bit off. I had several extremely vivid nightmares. There was the one I wrote about in my last post, and the second one was about a terrorist attack. I had a bout of lethargy so heavy I couldn’t get out of bed, could barely reach for my phone and I missed my lunch. I also felt like coughing, though not much of a cough came out. I had this general feeling of being unwell (malaise) which made it hard to go out. And one day I just couldn’t get my temperature right, turning the air con on and off a zillion times. I was going to do a RAT when I saw my mum, but ended up telling the nurse about my symptoms. I wanted them to give me some slack in the morning and let me sleep, and something I’ve learnt from my mum is that people only back off and show some compassion when you’re physically sick. Continue reading “Sick” →

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