grief

“I am tattered, I am tired I am worn and uninspired. They say You don’t give us more than we can handle, but I’m right on the edge.” Sparrows Rising – Father Help Me

Life likes to beat me when I’m already on the ground. As if losing my psychologist of four years wasn’t enough, I am now locked out of my Facebook account. It says the password is incorrect. Then I select the option to get a code sent to my email address to reset my password. Sometimes I don’t even get an email, and when I do get the code and type it in it says “The number that you’ve entered doesn’t match your code. Please try again.” I have gone round and round in circles it is maddening. Apparently Facebook crashed recently, but most people have been able to get their accounts back already.

I don’t know why the universe is doing this to me. Maybe it is a harsh way of getting me to shed all that is no longer serving me, like the leaves on the trees will soon start to fall as autumn arrives. I was actually thinking recently of deactivating my Facebook account. I don’t like supporting a platform that is run by robots and suppresses freedom of speech. I also felt the need to withdraw as I grieve my psychologist, or the person I thought she was anyway. But I was addicted to Facebook. It feels like all my coping mechanisms are being ripped away from me. Continue reading “Dark Night of the Soul” →

“Only after extracting the last exquisite ounce of agony, only when he had them literally begging for death would he finally kill them.” Snape, Harry Potter

I fell asleep in a dark headspace last night. I think those songs I posted hit a little close to home. Yesterday I also read over an old post I wrote about my horrific ayahuasca experience where I couldn’t breathe and felt like I was dying. Then the corridor here stunk of rotten eggs last night, and somehow my deranged mind contorted up the idea that the hospital was gassing me and the other patients to death, like in the Holocaust. I had a dream where I was trying to get out, but I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was trying to clamber through thick snow, struggling to move. I felt like I was trapped in a house on fire, the exit routes blinded by thick smoke. The male night nurse morphed into Voldemort, and the female night nurse morphed into Victoria, one of the evil vampires in the Twilight series. I finally made it out and tried to escape on my broomstick but I had them chasing me. I couldn’t wake up. It was their intention to torture me and put me through hell rather than kill me straight away. They certainly did that. I had to draw on the love of my spiritual community and a friend who I called when my old case management team tried to section me and I took off in my car. Her voice overlayed the dream like a commentator. It was another one of my demonic dreams full of sheer terror and entrapment.

I have been scarred so much by people who are meant to help me, such as the mental health system. I don’t know who can be trusted anymore. Continue reading “Last night and today: nightmare, shut down response and thoughts on death” →

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Haven for the living Princess and the Pea

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Dark Night of the Soul

Last night and today: nightmare, shut down response and thoughts on death