Dissociative systems has become a bit of an interest of mine, and I am writing this post to take my mind off how much discomfort I am in physically. Most people will be more familiar with the terms “Dissociative Identity Disorder”, or “multiple personality disorder”, but “dissociative systems” is actually the term the community tends to prefer. The word “system” is used to describe the collective that lives in the one body, and the term is less pathologising. Many members of the community do not see this as a “disorder”. It is a highly creative and helpful way of dealing with unbearable trauma, usually starting in early childhood, and many members do not wish for it to go away. Attempting to treat it through “integration” is like murder. Continue reading “Dissociative systems (aka Dissociative Identity Disorder)”
It’s been a wild ride lately with some pretty dramatic shifts in energy and mood. I have been seeing double digits everywhere, particularly the number five. According to one source, “in spiritual contexts, the number 5 often symbolizes change, freedom, adventure, and adaptability, representing a willingness to embrace new experiences and challenges.”
I’ve been cycling so rapidly I feel like a ragdoll being tossed about in the sea. One minute I’m falling asleep on my physio’s massage table, the next I have so much energy I’m pulverising everyone at badminton, the next I’m ready to smash a window, the next I want to bawl my eyes out, the next I’m drowning in sadness, the next I feel connected to everyone, the next I feel connected to no one, the next I’m on cloud nine, the next I’m nauseous and faint from anxiety and can feel all the chemicals ripping apart my insides, and the next I’m in pure physical hell. This can all happen in the course of a single day.
I have been having what I believe to be a spiritual ascension. There is a great article about five different types of spiritual ascensions on lonerwolf.com
So I begin the next chapter of my disturbing saga. I’ve been thinking lately I just cannot get better in this city. I stopped having all those trippy experiences at night, but I still felt like rubbish the next day. I was depressed, I had no motivation to do anything and I felt like I was being crushed by this heavy cloud which wanted to release rain but couldn’t. I wondered whether 5G was impacting my sleep and health. I wanted to get as far away from civilisation as I could get, so I started looking for houses to rent in the country, and thought about going back to the farm I did a working holiday at a few years ago. I stayed in a church, a beautiful piece of architecture, which the owners had build at the bottom of their property. Other people would book it for functions, though, such as the ayahuasca ceremony I wrote about here. There is no where else on the property I can stay while other people are using the church. I thought about just booking the church permanently and living there (it’s only $25 a night, and $50 weekends and is completely self-contained), but I didn’t want to “hog” the church and prevent the ayahuasca group from having ceremonies there. So I went to message the leader on Facebook to ask if he was still running ceremonies at the farm. I then noticed he hadn’t posted anything for a while and I wasn’t sure if he was still using Facebook. I then searched his organisation on Google to find a contact number. Their website had disappeared, but what I did find was this article. I was shocked to learn a man, who I think I actually knew, had died at one of the ceremonies. The leader is now facing criminal charges for negligent manslaughter because they didn’t call an ambulance when he became extremely unwell. Continue reading “A shocking discovery”
I’m not having a great time. I am feeling really off both physically and mentally. Everything gets worse around my period. Last night there was not a single thing that could make me feel better, so I decided to just go to bed early. But I could not sleep and fixated on how fucked up my body is from the overdose. I got up and checked my emails and started a horrible exchange with a UK shop called “void clothing”. I had ordered a black emo dress from them, but changed my mind and asked to cancel my order. I then changed my mind again and sent them another email asking them to ignore my previous email. They still cancelled the order. They said they didn’t get my other email. There was no apology; I was always the one apologising. I said sorry for the confusion but I still wanted the order. The manner of the person I spoke with, who didn’t even provide their name, was extremely rude and unhelpful the entire conversation. They then accused me of wasting their time and Paypal fees and refused to send me the dress or talk to me anymore. Life was already so shit and I was in tears after dealing with them. My suicidal urges returned with a vengeance after being a bit better the last month. I managed to call Lifeline. The first person I got wasn’t very good. He asked me about my dating life and assumed I wanted a boyfriend. Usually I would keep my mouth shut and ignore people’s heteronormativity. He sounded like an older bloke who was yet to catch up to the times. But I was in a foul mood. “Why do you assume that I’m straight?” I asked him. Lifeline should train their counsellors better, especially as the LGBTQIA+ population have a high suicide rate. I think I accidently ended the call early, but I wasn’t too disappointed. I called them back and got someone much better, a younger bloke who was a lot more empathetic and gave me a generous amount of time. He tried to help with my sleep, suggesting I change my bed sheets. When our call ended I managed to change my sheets, which probably hadn’t been changed for half a year, the white no longer white where I lay. I still didn’t sleep well, but I did feel fresher at least. Continue reading “My weekend: suicidal again”
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