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insomnia

Update: depression, insomnia, fashion, gut issues, annoying neighbours, losing things, favourite person

“For I am finding out that love will kill and save me
Taking the dreams that made me up
And tearing them away
But the same love will take this heart that’s barely beating
And fill it with hope beyond the stars
Only love”

– Trading Yesterday, “The Beauty & The Tragedy” 

I struggle to remember the past few weeks, but I do know that I haven’t been sleeping and my stomach still won’t shut up. Sometimes it sounds like water gurgling down the bathtub drain, other times like a creaking door or like my stomach is full of frogs. Every little thing is agonising; just filling a glass of water feels like running a marathon. I’m angry all the time, I want to cry all the time yet all the tears are stuck inside, and I’m exhausted. Yet I do feel the sun peaking through the clouds a bit more. My mood is slightly better, I’m a bit more active, I’m playing badminton again, my physio is ridiculously nice and patient, my mum has been kindly making me meals that comply to my new diet, and I have been commissioned by my favourite vegetarian restaurant to take some photos of the place. The restaurant is run by a couple who are also neurodivergent. They really get me, and always seat me in the quietest spot away from everyone else. They gave me some times when the restaurant will be empty for me to take the photos, which is great as I get flustered around other people. Continue reading “Update: depression, insomnia, fashion, gut issues, annoying neighbours, losing things, favourite person” →

3

Full moon

“Depression is

Living in a body

That fights to

Survive, with a mind

That tries to die.”

My dad has always said that full moon really knocks him about. He reports a “crash” after full moon. Apparently emergency departments are bursting on full moon. My friend and I definitely felt the recent full moon. We were both extremely depressed.

I have been journalling for a week now, and it’s painting a pretty grim picture of my life. I don’t fall asleep until sunrise and sometimes even later such as 10am. I am distressed pretty much every day and I experience deep, frequent lows where I rate my mood as 1/10 or 0/10. Depression has become normal for me. I have no quality of life and at this point life has become about surviving the days and trying to minimise my distress until I finally die. Continue reading “Full moon” →

0

Hell

“I think there is an afterlife. I think there is a hell. I think that hell is in your mind. And heaven? Who’s to tell.” Silvia Rosario, ‘The Last Life’

I went back to bed an hour ago hoping to get some rest so I could play badminton tonight, but I just felt even worse. I felt overwhelmed and wanted to cry. I still do. I struggle to find the words to explain why I feel this way. All the tears are stuck inside, drowning me from the inside out.

I am not ok. I think I’ve only slept one night the past few months, and continue to live with the damage the mental health system has done to me physically and emotionally. Continue reading “Hell” →

0

Resilience

“I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left
I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left”

– Kate Bush, This Woman’s Work

Yesterday I had plans to go to Box Hill and see somebody I met in hospital. I was going to catch the train there. It has been a long time since I’ve been on the train. I drove to the train station, staggered up the ramp, and swiped my Myki card, only to be told it had expired. I was furious. Nobody staffed the train station and the train was nearly there. I ran into the supermarket over the road and asked if they sold Myki cards. They didn’t, but told me the milkbar up the road did. I slouched up to the milkbar as the train pulled in, wondering if I should just catch the next train and tell my friend I’d be half an hour late, or call for a taxi, which would be expensive. I bought the new Myki, but to my surprise, when I left the milkbar the train was still there. I decided to make a run for it. I felt like I was going to collapse from the stress, but I actually made it onto the train about a minute before it left. It was waiting for another train to arrive before it could leave. There were some girls from my old high school sitting on the carriage. They decided to make fun of me because of my earmuffs I wear to block noise, and probably my whole attire (I was wearing a rainbow top and baggy, men’s cargo pants). They giggled as I passed. I rarely go out in public and forgot that people target me because I’m different. I had gone to the school these girls were from up until Year Nine when I left due to bullying. Sadly, it looked like the school hadn’t changed one bit. Continue reading “Resilience” →

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