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Despair

 

“Oh, angel lost, where do you go? In this cruel world, you feel so low.” AiMusic, “She Was an Angel “

I am not okay, and I have not been okay for a long time. As Alanis Morissette, a fellow HSP, sings in “Diagnosis “, I no longer give a damn about things that used to matter. I don’t give a damn about my life, and I’m beyond giving a damn about what anyone thinks of me. I will take packets of drugs. I will go to the park at 2am in winter and skinny dip in the lake. I will dance without needing alcohol to loosen me up. I will go into public in my PJs. I have found posts written in caps lock I made while having a rage episode on Facebook the other night. As someone commented on a Florence + The Machine music video, the only way to be at peace with death is to live your life without fear and make full use of it. Earn your eternal rest, because death halts for no one. Continue reading “Despair” →

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Update: tinnitus and back in hospital

I thought I might be better without therapy, but it’s as though therapy has opened a wound in me which will not stop bleeding. I continue to struggle physically and mentally. I was awake all night for months. I think the lack of sleep started to make me paranoid. I also started getting some crazy mood swings, where I’d be up at night dancing and wanting to go to nightclubs, then the next day I felt dreadful, like I was hung over. In 24 hours I’d be manic, depressed, wanting to die, and then having moments where  I felt like I really was dying. My brain started doing some trippy things. One morning I fell into a very deep “sleep”. I found myself in a strange realm where everything was set in the future. The landscape looked different, though I still recognised it as my town. There was a tower like in the city. I visited my mum’s house and her room was empty. It’s like the world had moved on and I felt lonely and out of place. I had the sense that if I didn’t come back to my body on the other side I would die. I desperately tried to claw myself back to my present day life but every time I thought I was back I wasn’t. I could see my room but was still stuck behind a veil, still out of my body, and couldn’t interact with it. “Help me, help me” I called out but I knew no body could hear me or reach me. It was like Stranger Things come to life where I was Will stuck in the Upside Down world, an alternate dimension just behind the wall. He could only communicate through the electronics. Finally I managed to claw my way back to the world. It was, hands down, one of the scariest things I have experienced. It was like tripping on drugs. I felt like I was losing all contact with the world. I was for the most part glad to be back but it also sucked having a body again and having to feel my physical discomfort. I went to the emergency department and the staff seemed really concerned about me at first. I was put in a quiet, dark, private area and given Olanzapine. I had to wait all night as the psych people had knocked off for the day. When I was given a bed I had to listen to a noisy air vent above me on the roof, beeping machines and all the problems of the patients next to me as there was only a curtain diving each bed, only to be seen for 10 mins the next day and sent home with no support. The psych person who saw me went to consult his boss, who no doubt read over all the bullshit written about me over the years and decided I was just a difficult, dependent, attention-seeking Borderline Bitch so he’d send me home with nothing. Continue reading “Update: tinnitus and back in hospital” →

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Hell

“I think there is an afterlife. I think there is a hell. I think that hell is in your mind. And heaven? Who’s to tell.” Silvia Rosario, ‘The Last Life’

I went back to bed an hour ago hoping to get some rest so I could play badminton tonight, but I just felt even worse. I felt overwhelmed and wanted to cry. I still do. I struggle to find the words to explain why I feel this way. All the tears are stuck inside, drowning me from the inside out.

I am not ok. I think I’ve only slept one night the past few months, and continue to live with the damage the mental health system has done to me physically and emotionally. Continue reading “Hell” →

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Reminders

When we lose someone we love, it can be hard to know what to do with the things that remind us of them. When I lost my case worker a bit over a year ago, I never touched my soft lion and elephant again. I had brought them into an appointment not long before my case worker was taken from me. Suddenly they felt tainted. They no longer brought me comfort, but sadness, so I kept them out of sight. I only just feel ready to dig them out again now, after seeing this picture of them which reminded me of how sweet and special they are.

maggie

I realised that they are mine, they are whole, and no body can take the joy they bring me away from me anymore.

Continue reading “Reminders” →

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The Mother Wound

It is almost 3:30am but I am not tired, so thought I’d begin the post I was planning on writing next about my mother. I don’t know if I’ve written much about my family on this blog, mainly therapists. But one might argue that the reason I cling to therapists is because I’m really just looking for the emotionally nurturing, attuned mother figure I don’t have with my biological mother.

A friend recently added me to a group for daughters of narcissistic mothers thinking I might get something out of it. I’m not sure if I’d call my mother narcissistic, but I’d like to explore our relationship in this post. Continue reading “The Mother Wound” →

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Grief: a rollercoaster

““I thought this was more,” I whispered low, 
Hoping he’d stay, hoping he’d show. 
But his response, like a dagger, cut deep, 
“No one stays, my dear, not in this world .”

With those words, reality crashed in, 
My heart shattered, my hopes pinned. 
For what we shared was just a game, 
A situationship, without a name.”

Poestoryporium, ‘Whispers of Love’

I don’t know if it’s fully sunk in that my psychologist, my confident, has left me. Whenever something happens in my life- good or bad- I automatically turn to her. I go to write her an email, or I store it in a little bottle in my mind for our next session, only to remember that she is gone. It really does feel like a nightmare I keep expecting to wake up from. I never thought she would leave me and I’d have to go through this hell all over again. I thought she was different. I trusted her. Now she has left me with what I can only liken to phantom limb syndrome. Continue reading “Grief: a rollercoaster” →

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Tonight’s tears

“Nobody gives an answerI’m just asking why?Just tell me why?Why it has to be like this”

Enigma, “Why”

I usually like listening to sad songs on YouTube, but all my favourite songs are too triggering for me right now. Last night I had a break down listening to “True Colours” by Cyndi Lauper even. It was the part of the video which showed the little girl (who I assume was the younger version of Cyndi). I feel like that little part of me came out sometimes with my psychologist. I showed her my true colours, all of me, but instead of caring for these parts, she turned her back on them in the end. Then tonight I listened to “No More “I Love You’s“” by Annie Lennox. This was even worse. The tender music video shows Annie holding hands with the different characters. It reminded me of the times my psychologist held my hand, and how I feel this ending is all my fault because still, after all the care she showed me, I did not get better. I was the most unrewarding client she’s probably ever had. For a long time I’ve felt like all I really need is something very human: just to be held and touched. But there are only a few people I can really enjoy this with. For instance, I hate my family touching me, and I don’t like to be touched by most men. Most of the time touch is an emotionally empty experience for me. I long to be touched but I hate it too. But I had developed a very intense bond with my psychologist, and there was still so much more I felt we could do together, such as experimenting more with touch. Touch, when done right, allows us to leave survival mode, and in another time, and in another place, a little you is experiencing what it’s like to feel safe. I am deeply scarred by the way my psychologist drew me in and then spat me out. She said she was committed to me and that she thought it would be a shame to end our relationship as we had so much history together. I trusted her, and then she ruthlessly ends our relationship without giving me any say over the matter. There are no words for the pain and sense of betrayal I feel. I have had to take diazepam tonight as I’ve been so distressed by all this.

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Irritated

starseed3

As I wrote in my video about ASD, Asperger’s is like being a selkie. I live in two worlds. I am most at home in the sea, but can also (though with great difficulty) live on the land with others. Continue reading “Irritated” →

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Sick

During my last week in hospital I started to feel a bit off. I had several extremely vivid nightmares. There was the one I wrote about in my last post, and the second one was about a terrorist attack. I had a bout of lethargy so heavy I couldn’t get out of bed, could barely reach for my phone and I missed my lunch. I also felt like coughing, though not much of a cough came out. I had this general feeling of being unwell (malaise) which made it hard to go out. And one day I just couldn’t get my temperature right, turning the air con on and off a zillion times. I was going to do a RAT when I saw my mum, but ended up telling the nurse about my symptoms. I wanted them to give me some slack in the morning and let me sleep, and something I’ve learnt from my mum is that people only back off and show some compassion when you’re physically sick. Continue reading “Sick” →

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