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My relationship with my sister, domestic violence, update on where I’m staying + therapy

MY SISTER AND FAMILY

My physio asked me this week what my relationship with my younger sister is like. It got me reflecting on my family even more and I thought I’d write a post about this.

I don’t have much to do with my sister. She lives near the city. She occasionally comes to visit, and has been saying she wants to play badminton with me again, something we did as kids. I got a random text from her a few months ago asking if I wanted to meet her at the trampoline at our mum’s place one night. She had not been speaking with my mum for years so I was surprised. I met her there and bounced on the trampoline with her wearing black angel wings, which I had worn to my psychology appointment earlier that day. We did that thing where you put pressure on the trampoline at particular moments which propels the other person into the air. We played that break the egg game. We then went into the house. Mum had gone to bed, which was good as it would have been weird the three of us together again. We found some of our old childhood toys in the cupboard, such as beanie kids, and brought them into my sister’s old bedroom. Mum had kept the books too, which displayed the entire collection of beanie kids and the new ones that had been released each year. In 1998 there was a rainbow beanie kid called “Proud the Rainbow Bear”. We were impressed how progressive the company was, as same sex marriage has only just become legal in Australia. We looked up how much they’re worth now, but they’re still pretty cheap on Ebay,

We then found some possum puppets and started a puppet play. She kept harassing the poor plush bee with her possum, so I hid it under my old childhood blanket. I then got one of the plastic baby hammers that make a honking noise and hit my sister’s puppet over the head with it.

I rubbed the possum’s hands together, which made it look like it was plotting a murder. My sister suggested talking to people via the puppet now that I’m non-verbal. I started exploring voices for the possum using the app on my phone, which speaks text for me. I was a bit reluctant to see my sister (and in fact, anyone) while non-verbal, but my sister is also autistic and said she has friends who are non-verbal so got it. It wasn’t awkward at all. We found other ways to engage, such as though the puppet play. I made the voice really deep on the app and it sounded incredibly creepy. I then made it high, which suited the possum more, making it sound cute and innocent. Continue reading “My relationship with my sister, domestic violence, update on where I’m staying + therapy” →

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Life in a rural area

I am still in the countryside, staying in a friend’s caravan/annex. It’s not the most luxurious accommodation. There is no toilet, so I have to pee and shit in the bush, though that doesn’t bother me. Animals get into the paint stripped walls and make an awful racket. The other week I heard something behind the curtain by the door. Whatever it was, it was big. I slowly pulled back the curtain and a fat rat leapt out and scurried across the room! Today I found a cockroach on the bench, though it probably doesn’t help that I don’t clean up. A bull ant landed on my puffer jacket while I was sitting on my bed. I have also had to remove two big huntsmen spiders from the place. I am becoming an expert at removing huntsmen, putting a plastic container over them, sliding cardboard underneath and taking them outside. Perhaps it was the same huntsman who found his way back into the caravan. Continue reading “Life in a rural area” →

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Today and grief over friend

Today has been a bit of a mixed bag of lollies. I finally slept last night, but found that manic energy that I usually get at night was still with me when I woke up. I found myself cranking it up with lots of music. I found a kindred soul on Reddit, “mad-isobel”. I read one of her replies to a forum about mania being worse at night, which was the most interesting and insightful reply there: Continue reading “Today and grief over friend” →

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Physiotherapy, touch starvation, sleep, adult babies, trust issues

“All that’s made me
Is all worth trading
Just to have one moment with you
So I will let go
Of all that I know
Knowing that you’re here with me
For your love is changing me”

Trading Yesterday- May I

Yesterday I had another session with my physio. He is always so kind to me (he even offered to look at my computer which I was having problems with; I told him I’d consider bringing it in so he can do some physiotherapy on it!). I’m always late and apologise, but he just seems happy I’ve got there at all. He did some more work on my TMJ, and was gentler than last time as he knew I had a few issues after the last treatment. He did admit that he did more than he was planning to last time because I let him and should have been more careful given how sensitive I am.

“It it ok if you take your hat off?” he asked me before he began. I was dressed up as an emo with a black studded beanie. I took it off and covered my face with it. I actually felt more comfortable like this. He preferred to see my face to gage whether I was ok, but I kept most of it covered with the beanie.

Continue reading “Physiotherapy, touch starvation, sleep, adult babies, trust issues” →

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Update: depression, insomnia, fashion, gut issues, annoying neighbours, losing things, favourite person

“For I am finding out that love will kill and save me
Taking the dreams that made me up
And tearing them away
But the same love will take this heart that’s barely beating
And fill it with hope beyond the stars
Only love”

– Trading Yesterday, “The Beauty & The Tragedy” 

I struggle to remember the past few weeks, but I do know that I haven’t been sleeping and my stomach still won’t shut up. Sometimes it sounds like water gurgling down the bathtub drain, other times like a creaking door or like my stomach is full of frogs. Every little thing is agonising; just filling a glass of water feels like running a marathon. I’m angry all the time, I want to cry all the time yet all the tears are stuck inside, and I’m exhausted. Yet I do feel the sun peaking through the clouds a bit more. My mood is slightly better, I’m a bit more active, I’m playing badminton again, my physio is ridiculously nice and patient, my mum has been kindly making me meals that comply to my new diet, and I have been commissioned by my favourite vegetarian restaurant to take some photos of the place. The restaurant is run by a couple who are also neurodivergent. They really get me, and always seat me in the quietest spot away from everyone else. They gave me some times when the restaurant will be empty for me to take the photos, which is great as I get flustered around other people. Continue reading “Update: depression, insomnia, fashion, gut issues, annoying neighbours, losing things, favourite person” →

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Toxic mothers and being suffocated

If you’ve read my last posts, you’d know that life is beating me to the ground right now. I’ve been in hospital three times the past week, and the distress I’ve felt this week has been some of the worst distress I’ve felt in my entire life. I am now on an NDIS-funded respite, which is meant to give me some space and time out from everything.

Today I just kind of crashed. I’ve been so worn out, and have spent most of the day in bed with my phone off and the curtains drawn. I just wanted to be left alone. Then about an hour ago, as the sun began to set, someone started banging on my door. I didn’t know who is was and it scared me. I finally managed to drag myself out of bed and saw through the stained glass window that it was my mum. I opened the door. I was a bit shocked to see her. Continue reading “Toxic mothers and being suffocated” →

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The Mother Wound

It is almost 3:30am but I am not tired, so thought I’d begin the post I was planning on writing next about my mother. I don’t know if I’ve written much about my family on this blog, mainly therapists. But one might argue that the reason I cling to therapists is because I’m really just looking for the emotionally nurturing, attuned mother figure I don’t have with my biological mother.

A friend recently added me to a group for daughters of narcissistic mothers thinking I might get something out of it. I’m not sure if I’d call my mother narcissistic, but I’d like to explore our relationship in this post. Continue reading “The Mother Wound” →

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Last night and today: nightmare, shut down response and thoughts on death

“Only after extracting the last exquisite ounce of agony, only when he had them literally begging for death would he finally kill them.” Snape, Harry Potter

I fell asleep in a dark headspace last night. I think those songs I posted hit a little close to home. Yesterday I also read over an old post I wrote about my horrific ayahuasca experience where I couldn’t breathe and felt like I was dying. Then the corridor here stunk of rotten eggs last night, and somehow my deranged mind contorted up the idea that the hospital was gassing me and the other patients to death, like in the Holocaust. I had a dream where I was trying to get out, but I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was trying to clamber through thick snow, struggling to move. I felt like I was trapped in a house on fire, the exit routes blinded by thick smoke. The male night nurse morphed into Voldemort, and the female night nurse morphed into Victoria, one of the evil vampires in the Twilight series. I finally made it out and tried to escape on my broomstick but I had them chasing me. I couldn’t wake up. It was their intention to torture me and put me through hell rather than kill me straight away. They certainly did that. I had to draw on the love of my spiritual community and a friend who I called when my old case management team tried to section me and I took off in my car. Her voice overlayed the dream like a commentator. It was another one of my demonic dreams full of sheer terror and entrapment.

I have been scarred so much by people who are meant to help me, such as the mental health system. I don’t know who can be trusted anymore. Continue reading “Last night and today: nightmare, shut down response and thoughts on death” →

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