Today has been a bit of a mixed bag of lollies. I finally slept last night, but found that manic energy that I usually get at night was still with me when I woke up. I found myself cranking it up with lots of music. I found a kindred soul on Reddit, “mad-isobel”. I read one of her replies to a forum about mania being worse at night, which was the most interesting and insightful reply there: Continue reading “Today and grief over friend”
I want to write a post about Autistic Burnout. I’m not sure I really like using labels such as autism because no two autistic beings are the same and having the same diagnoses doesn’t mean you’re going to get on with somebody. But Autistic Burnout is still a thing which more people need to be aware of.
According to AASPIRE, “autistic burnout is a state of physical and mental fatigue, heightened stress, and diminished capacity to manage life skills, sensory input, and/or social interactions, which comes from years of being severely overtaxed by the strain of trying to live up to demands that are out of sync with our needs.” Continue reading “Autistic Burnout”
Weekends are always particularly shit for some reason. I relapsed with the alcohol on Sat night. I was in so much pain, more emotionally than physically. I felt so alone. I fear I will never be able to fill this hunger inside of me. I took pills and drank until I was hazy and felt like a ghost. The warmth numbed my ear pain and it was nice to be in an altered state where I didn’t have to feel my body, though I could still hear my stomach carrying on. I think hearing is the last sense to go. Finally I fell asleep. I tried my best not to overdo it with the alcohol. I could have done a lot worse. It was no where near as bad as last year’s overdoses, but I still drank too much and it’s just made everything worse. I’m scared my body’s never going to be the same after Saturday’s drinking. I have so much regret, but I just couldn’t talk myself out of it at the time, even though I knew it was toxic. I’m still fucked from my overdoses last year which left me with POTS, a tremor and a bounding pulse. I’m thinking of leaving my alcohol at my mum’s house so I don’t do it again. Continue reading “The weekend: alcohol relapse”
It’s been a wild ride lately with some pretty dramatic shifts in energy and mood. I have been seeing double digits everywhere, particularly the number five. According to one source, “in spiritual contexts, the number 5 often symbolizes change, freedom, adventure, and adaptability, representing a willingness to embrace new experiences and challenges.”
I’ve been cycling so rapidly I feel like a ragdoll being tossed about in the sea. One minute I’m falling asleep on my physio’s massage table, the next I have so much energy I’m pulverising everyone at badminton, the next I’m ready to smash a window, the next I want to bawl my eyes out, the next I’m drowning in sadness, the next I feel connected to everyone, the next I feel connected to no one, the next I’m on cloud nine, the next I’m nauseous and faint from anxiety and can feel all the chemicals ripping apart my insides, and the next I’m in pure physical hell. This can all happen in the course of a single day.
I have been having what I believe to be a spiritual ascension. There is a great article about five different types of spiritual ascensions on lonerwolf.com
“For I am finding out that love will kill and save me
Taking the dreams that made me up
And tearing them away
But the same love will take this heart that’s barely beating
And fill it with hope beyond the stars
Only love”
– Trading Yesterday, “The Beauty & The Tragedy”
I struggle to remember the past few weeks, but I do know that I haven’t been sleeping and my stomach still won’t shut up. Sometimes it sounds like water gurgling down the bathtub drain, other times like a creaking door or like my stomach is full of frogs. Every little thing is agonising; just filling a glass of water feels like running a marathon. I’m angry all the time, I want to cry all the time yet all the tears are stuck inside, and I’m exhausted. Yet I do feel the sun peaking through the clouds a bit more. My mood is slightly better, I’m a bit more active, I’m playing badminton again, my physio is ridiculously nice and patient, my mum has been kindly making me meals that comply to my new diet, and I have been commissioned by my favourite vegetarian restaurant to take some photos of the place. The restaurant is run by a couple who are also neurodivergent. They really get me, and always seat me in the quietest spot away from everyone else. They gave me some times when the restaurant will be empty for me to take the photos, which is great as I get flustered around other people. Continue reading “Update: depression, insomnia, fashion, gut issues, annoying neighbours, losing things, favourite person”
I feel like I’m being beaten to the ground from all angles. My period adds to the assault, worsening my already terrible mental health and sleep, bringing severe pain and making me sick. There is an ugly physical driver to all my issues. Often I can literally feel all the chemicals/hormones running rampant in my body. Shortly after I got my period this week, there was a day when I was swamped with the worst feeling which I cannot even name or describe. There were so many things I wanted to do- write, sleep, go to the park, answer texts, see people, finish my shopping, open the parcels that have arrived and return the items that don’t fit, clean up my house, do a better job at looking after myself- but I couldn’t do anything, and I still struggle to. These days just getting up and filling a glass of water feels like running a marathon. Then knocking over a glass of water by my bad, which I had managed to fill, feels like the end of the world. When I got my period I had a total freak out when I heard my dad arrive home, terrified of him approaching me. I almost cancelled with my therapist, who I go for walks with. Thankfully he was running late as well, so I had a bit more time to finish the piece of writing I was determined to complete, get dressed and get myself together. I packed some diazepam in case I had a panic attack. When I saw him I think he could sense something was pretty off with me. I tied a top around my head to cover my acne, I had lost more weight, I was dressed up like a little girl in a pink Mary Blair pinup dress with a train printed on it, white lacy socks and tbars. We lay on the grass for a bit and I started to feel my whole demeanor turn into a little child. The park was strangely quiet.
“Can you leave me here?” I asked him.
He paused.
“I don’t feel comfortable,” he said. Continue reading “The fight for wellness”
“What if I wanted to break?
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor?
Couldn’t do this anymore
What would you do?”
– NO NAME FACES, THE KILL
My ear pain since the otoscope has not improved at all over the past few weeks, which I believe is why my shopping addiction and other dysfunctional coping mechanisms have got so bad. I’ve been spiralling out of control. Last night I was panicking. I had a little voice in me saying “help me help me” as I impulsively threw away $500 and then tried to take back what I had just done, begging the seller on ebay to cancel my order and refund me. I was having trouble contacting them as I was not logged in when I made the purchase. I discovered a super cool Japanese clothing brand (help!) and was on some international version of ebay and made the purchase as a “guest”. Continue reading “You are not too sensitive. This world is too brutal.”
hsphaven 