After a bit of a rough start, I am finally getting the respite that I need. I am staying in a motel set in a quaint garden. People often have weddings here. I have been the only one staying here the past few days which has been lovely. Below is a view from my window. Small birds with long, thin beaks often stop by and suck nectar from the flowers on the bush.
Continue reading “Loss, home, space, solitude and developmental trauma”
If you’ve read my last posts, you’d know that life is beating me to the ground right now. I’ve been in hospital three times the past week, and the distress I’ve felt this week has been some of the worst distress I’ve felt in my entire life. I am now on an NDIS-funded respite, which is meant to give me some space and time out from everything.
Today I just kind of crashed. I’ve been so worn out, and have spent most of the day in bed with my phone off and the curtains drawn. I just wanted to be left alone. Then about an hour ago, as the sun began to set, someone started banging on my door. I didn’t know who is was and it scared me. I finally managed to drag myself out of bed and saw through the stained glass window that it was my mum. I opened the door. I was a bit shocked to see her. Continue reading “Toxic mothers and being suffocated”
I have not been ok since I wrote my last post. I agreed to be discharged from the hospital as I had this holiday booked, but yesterday I wished someone had of stepped in and said “you’re not well enough to go on holiday, you need to stay in hospital” and worked hard to get me in a better place.
My dad picked me up from the emergency department Saturday morning and we stopped at the supermarket on the way home. I hadn’t shopped for ages as I’d been too depressed, and I still barely had it in me. I was wearing my dirty PJs as I never have it in me to wash my clothes and my parents never taught me how to use the dryer. I also had no shoes. It was raining and I tip toed through the puddles and wet ground in bare feet. Continue reading “Distressed and trying to get a leg up”
I’m not having a great time. I am feeling really off both physically and mentally. Everything gets worse around my period. Last night there was not a single thing that could make me feel better, so I decided to just go to bed early. But I could not sleep and fixated on how fucked up my body is from the overdose. I got up and checked my emails and started a horrible exchange with a UK shop called “void clothing”. I had ordered a black emo dress from them, but changed my mind and asked to cancel my order. I then changed my mind again and sent them another email asking them to ignore my previous email. They still cancelled the order. They said they didn’t get my other email. There was no apology; I was always the one apologising. I said sorry for the confusion but I still wanted the order. The manner of the person I spoke with, who didn’t even provide their name, was extremely rude and unhelpful the entire conversation. They then accused me of wasting their time and Paypal fees and refused to send me the dress or talk to me anymore. Life was already so shit and I was in tears after dealing with them. My suicidal urges returned with a vengeance after being a bit better the last month. I managed to call Lifeline. The first person I got wasn’t very good. He asked me about my dating life and assumed I wanted a boyfriend. Usually I would keep my mouth shut and ignore people’s heteronormativity. He sounded like an older bloke who was yet to catch up to the times. But I was in a foul mood. “Why do you assume that I’m straight?” I asked him. Lifeline should train their counsellors better, especially as the LGBTQIA+ population have a high suicide rate. I think I accidently ended the call early, but I wasn’t too disappointed. I called them back and got someone much better, a younger bloke who was a lot more empathetic and gave me a generous amount of time. He tried to help with my sleep, suggesting I change my bed sheets. When our call ended I managed to change my sheets, which probably hadn’t been changed for half a year, the white no longer white where I lay. I still didn’t sleep well, but I did feel fresher at least. Continue reading “My weekend: suicidal again”
In the aftermath of that night I overdosed, I’ve been hiding away as I deal with the wreckage. It’s been a few months and I still have a tremor and heart issues. My heart literally aches and it races when I change position. I’m also not able to sleep on my right side as I hear and feel the pulse in my right ear pounding. All I want in this life is to feel comfortable in my body, and if I could take back what I did I would. Sometimes I wish it had of killed me. I have suffered enough. Continue reading “Post-OD update”
Since I absconded from the hospital, mental health triage have been trying to contact me. I’ve been leaving my phone off and avoiding their calls. I know they don’t give a fuck, they just want to tick their box and be done with me. Today at 2:30pm my dad woke me to say my mum was coming to the house in ten minutes. She wanted to hand me her phone and get me to talk with them. I took off in my car, barely awake. Continue reading “My winter solstice: not a part of anything”
I am both in pain and emotionally dead. I don’t know how I can be in so much pain and so empty at the same time. I guess the pain doesn’t fill me, but consumes me. It is hard to write in this state. Nothing will take this awful feeling away. Continue reading “Chase me and leave me alone: the paradox”
“Oh, angel lost, where do you go? In this cruel world, you feel so low.” AiMusic, “She Was an Angel “
I am not okay, and I have not been okay for a long time. As Alanis Morissette, a fellow HSP, sings in “Diagnosis “, I no longer give a damn about things that used to matter. I don’t give a damn about my life, and I’m beyond giving a damn about what anyone thinks of me. I will take packets of drugs. I will go to the park at 2am in winter and skinny dip in the lake. I will dance without needing alcohol to loosen me up. I will go into public in my PJs. I have found posts written in caps lock I made while having a rage episode on Facebook the other night. As someone commented on a Florence + The Machine music video, the only way to be at peace with death is to live your life without fear and make full use of it. Earn your eternal rest, because death halts for no one. Continue reading “Despair”
hsphaven 