Search

hsphaven

Haven for the living Princess and the Pea

Open Search
Tag

Mental health

Hell

“I think there is an afterlife. I think there is a hell. I think that hell is in your mind. And heaven? Who’s to tell.” Silvia Rosario, ‘The Last Life’

I went back to bed an hour ago hoping to get some rest so I could play badminton tonight, but I just felt even worse. I felt overwhelmed and wanted to cry. I still do. I struggle to find the words to explain why I feel this way. All the tears are stuck inside, drowning me from the inside out.

I am not ok. I think I’ve only slept one night the past few months, and continue to live with the damage the mental health system has done to me physically and emotionally. Continue reading “Hell” →

0

Bipolar

“You were blessed by a different kind of inner view, it’s all magnifiedThe highs would make you fly, but the lows make you want to dieAnd I was once there, hanging from that very ledge where you are standingSo I know, I know, I knowIt’s easier to let go” 

Missy Higgins, ‘Nightminds‘

When I was a child, my mother described me as a live wire. I had an inner motor that never ran out of fuel. I was constantly running, climbing, moving, bouncing off the walls, smacking people with balloons, rolling down hills, flying through the air on flying foxes, winding the rope swing which hung from our gumtree up until it couldn’t get any tighter and then sitting on it in great delight as it unwound and the world became a blur. When I look at photos of myself when I was about two my mouth would be open so wide that it reminded me of those laughing clown ball machines at carnivals. It looked like I was screaming, but if I was, it would have been out of sheer love for life. My eyes sparkled blue as the ocean. I really was, as s.c lorie @ butterfliesandpebbles wrote, the girl who had sunflowers for eyes and fireworks in her soul.

I barely slept, and didn’t need much sleep. My parents said that I was a wide-eyed child the minute I was born, as though thinking “wow! Isn’t this world amazing!”

My mum said that she would ask other parents if they thought her child was “normal”. I was a force of nature with the energy of a tsunami. One carer said she’d rather look after ten kids than one kid like me.

My mum blames my father for my hyperactivity. She said he was always tossing me around and putting me up trees. But I think it was just me. Continue reading “Bipolar” →

0

Anxiety and having a crush

Imagine a time when you were worried about something. Now, imagine that this feeling does not go away after the thing you were worried about is over. Instead your mind will find something else to be worried about. Imagine being in a perpetual state of dread and anxiety over anything and everything. That is what it’s like to have Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Continue reading “Anxiety and having a crush” →

1

Rebuilding life after therapy

Even weeks after leaving that final session with my psychologist, I am still not sure what hit me. That session was so grotesque… the way she said she’d been speaking with colleagues about me and they all agreed that she should stop seeing me… the way she brought up all the times I’d been difficult during my private hospital stays to prove that I was indeed too “unstable” to work with. Apparently pulling a third person into the dynamic is a documented strategy used by “selfish individuals” to “comfort and protect their egos”, and “reinforce their sense of rightness or superiority”. I was left feeling ganged up on. All I had left to say to my psychologist as I left was “fuck you”. All I have left to say now is this quote by Booker T. Washington.

candle quote

Continue reading “Rebuilding life after therapy” →

0

Resilience

“I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left
I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left”

– Kate Bush, This Woman’s Work

Yesterday I had plans to go to Box Hill and see somebody I met in hospital. I was going to catch the train there. It has been a long time since I’ve been on the train. I drove to the train station, staggered up the ramp, and swiped my Myki card, only to be told it had expired. I was furious. Nobody staffed the train station and the train was nearly there. I ran into the supermarket over the road and asked if they sold Myki cards. They didn’t, but told me the milkbar up the road did. I slouched up to the milkbar as the train pulled in, wondering if I should just catch the next train and tell my friend I’d be half an hour late, or call for a taxi, which would be expensive. I bought the new Myki, but to my surprise, when I left the milkbar the train was still there. I decided to make a run for it. I felt like I was going to collapse from the stress, but I actually made it onto the train about a minute before it left. It was waiting for another train to arrive before it could leave. There were some girls from my old high school sitting on the carriage. They decided to make fun of me because of my earmuffs I wear to block noise, and probably my whole attire (I was wearing a rainbow top and baggy, men’s cargo pants). They giggled as I passed. I rarely go out in public and forgot that people target me because I’m different. I had gone to the school these girls were from up until Year Nine when I left due to bullying. Sadly, it looked like the school hadn’t changed one bit. Continue reading “Resilience” →

0

Fawn

“But I know the difference
Between myself and my reflection
I just can’t help but to wonder
Which of us do you love?”

– Evanescence, “Breathe No More”

I often get told that I am easy to talk with. Strangers tell me all about their dark family secrets. They tell me I am a very nice person and I make them comfortable. But the truth is I don’t really know if it’s “me” they like, or a version of me created through trauma. Pete Walker talks about the “Four Fs”. When we cannot fight or flee, sometimes we freeze and sometimes we fawn, placating people by becoming who they want us to be to avoid further abuse. I wear a smile plastered to my face and I serenade people, ironically making them feel at ease when I am anything but. I am like a duck that seems calm but is furiously paddling away beneath the surface. Continue reading “Fawn” →

0

Depression and attachment disorder

Depression has got me tight in its clasp, squeezing all the life out of me. It’s been twelve years of this now with little reprieve. I want to break down and cry. Everything often feels meaningless. My house looks like a bomb’s gone off in it, stuff all over the tables and benches, and unopened parcels, unpacked bags from all my hospital stays and piles of clothes everywhere. I used to find joy in finding and buying unusual clothing, but I’ve even lost interest in this since my psychologist left me. I can’t remember the last time I cleaned my car (there was even a cockroach in it a little while back but I still don’t think it was enough to get me to clean it). I don’t bother to brush my hair and showering is a huge effort as well. I might have a home cooked meal once in a blue moon. I’ve been taking dexamphetamine hoping it will pick me up a bit so I can enjoy going out and seeing people. I saw my mum today, and felt ok for about an hour, then started to get a headache and my depression took hold again. My face is flat, but a lot is going on behind it. I sat in the car and watched two women about my age waiting for coffee at the coffee van. One of them reminded me of my psychologist because of her build. She rested her head on the other’s shoulder, and the other woman rubbed her back. I felt a wave of sadness come over me. My life is completely bare of this kind of affection and care, and while I long for it, I also hate it. I am too numb to feel anything. Continue reading “Depression and attachment disorder” →

0

Update: suicidal ideation, hospital (again), writing and healing

I get extremely vivid dreams which allow me to experience things I haven’t experienced in my life. I see it as part of my gift of being an empath or highly sensitive person. Today, during my nap, I dreamt of dissociating so badly I lost my hearing. This is a documented thing, as this paper writes about, however I believe it is fairly rare. I sometimes lose my voice when dissociated but never my hearing. There were people around me; they were packing up and selling a house or shop I owned. No one understood what was going on with me. I kept trying to stop them from touching certain fragile belongings, such as my glasses. I didn’t know how loud I was speaking and shouting. I was extremely distressed, and wished someone would get me some help. Then I saw my friend who has a severe dissociative disorder where he also loses his hearing. I was so relieved as he was the only one who got it. He sat me on his lap and I calmed down. I knew the deafness was only transitory and this brought me some reassurance.

I’m not sure how to interpret this dream. Is there something the universe is trying to tell me but I refuse to listen to it? A theme of this dream was people doing things to me, not with me. I immediately think of my psychologist. It is Monday, the day I would usually see her. She told me once that houses in dreams represent the body. It is as though this trauma is not just emotional but also physical. My mind and body feels like it’s going through withdrawal. I am the house, and people are packing me up to sell to somebody else. That’s what it feels like my psychologist has been doing. Packing me up to get rid of me. Continue reading “Update: suicidal ideation, hospital (again), writing and healing” →

0

Regret

I dream that I am in a psych ward with the only friends I had at high school. I dream constantly about high school. It was over a decade ago now. I dream that I still have more exams left. My final years were extremely stressful. I put so much pressure on myself to achieve, and it is frightening to feel like those years are not over. On the other hand, I have other dreams about high school where it is not over and I’m glad about that. I’m glad because I still have a chance to do things differently. You might wonder why I would want things to be different when I was school dux. I may seem privileged to you. But beneath my overachievement I was deeply unhappy and lonely. Becoming dux and getting a scholarship to uni didn’t change that. I studied a course I hated and I can’t get a job with. What I wanted more than anything was friendship and love. Being dux and not having any hecs to pay back, while great, has not made life more fulfilling. I have spent the last decade unemployed, single, in and out of psych hospitals and wanting to be dead. I wish I could wind back the clock. I wish I hadn’t of walked away from the school where people (like Sara) did love me because of those who did not. It is something that haunts me to this day.

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑