I dream that I am in a psych ward with the only friends I had at high school. I dream constantly about high school. It was over a decade ago now. I dream that I still have more exams left. My final years were extremely stressful. I put so much pressure on myself to achieve, and it is frightening to feel like those years are not over. On the other hand, I have other dreams about high school where it is not over and I’m glad about that. I’m glad because I still have a chance to do things differently. You might wonder why I would want things to be different when I was school dux. I may seem privileged to you. But beneath my overachievement I was deeply unhappy and lonely. Becoming dux and getting a scholarship to uni didn’t change that. I studied a course I hated and I can’t get a job with. What I wanted more than anything was friendship and love. Being dux and not having any hecs to pay back, while great, has not made life more fulfilling. I have spent the last decade unemployed, single, in and out of psych hospitals and wanting to be dead. I wish I could wind back the clock. I wish I hadn’t of walked away from the school where people (like Sara) did love me because of those who did not. It is something that haunts me to this day.