hsphaven

Depression has got me tight in its clasp, squeezing all the life out of me. It’s been twelve years of this now with little reprieve. I want to break down and cry. Everything often feels meaningless. My house looks like a bomb’s gone off in it, stuff all over the tables and benches, and unopened parcels, unpacked bags from all my hospital stays and piles of clothes everywhere. I used to find joy in finding and buying unusual clothing, but I’ve even lost interest in this since my psychologist left me. I can’t remember the last time I cleaned my car (there was even a cockroach in it a little while back but I still don’t think it was enough to get me to clean it). I don’t bother to brush my hair and showering is a huge effort as well. I might have a home cooked meal once in a blue moon. I’ve been taking dexamphetamine hoping it will pick me up a bit so I can enjoy going out and seeing people. I saw my mum today, and felt ok for about an hour, then started to get a headache and my depression took hold again. My face is flat, but a lot is going on behind it. I sat in the car and watched two women about my age waiting for coffee at the coffee van. One of them reminded me of my psychologist because of her build. She rested her head on the other’s shoulder, and the other woman rubbed her back. I felt a wave of sadness come over me. My life is completely bare of this kind of affection and care, and while I long for it, I also hate it. I am too numb to feel anything. Continue reading “Depression and attachment disorder” →