The day where I’d leave Melbourne and return to the country approached. I had teed up the new caravan to rent. I had teed up transport. I bought doonas, heaps of hot water bottles and a bag full of heat packs so I was better prepared for the cold, all while unwell. I kept waking up to a peculiar hammering. It was usually just a few bangs and then would stop for a while. One day, I heard three bangs, the number which I seemed to be seeing everywhere. I read a very scary post on social media once where someone reported hearing three knocks on her door at night. Another member said that it was demons and her death would be imminent. The number three is a very significant number spiritually, as seen in the Holy Trinity. I was convinced the number meant something. In fact I was convinced everything meant something, that there was hidden signs and meaning in the light flickering, the smoke detectors malfunctioning, etc. Continue reading “The psychotic descent continues: part 2”
It’s been a wild ride lately with some pretty dramatic shifts in energy and mood. I have been seeing double digits everywhere, particularly the number five. According to one source, “in spiritual contexts, the number 5 often symbolizes change, freedom, adventure, and adaptability, representing a willingness to embrace new experiences and challenges.”
I’ve been cycling so rapidly I feel like a ragdoll being tossed about in the sea. One minute I’m falling asleep on my physio’s massage table, the next I have so much energy I’m pulverising everyone at badminton, the next I’m ready to smash a window, the next I want to bawl my eyes out, the next I’m drowning in sadness, the next I feel connected to everyone, the next I feel connected to no one, the next I’m on cloud nine, the next I’m nauseous and faint from anxiety and can feel all the chemicals ripping apart my insides, and the next I’m in pure physical hell. This can all happen in the course of a single day.
I have been having what I believe to be a spiritual ascension. There is a great article about five different types of spiritual ascensions on lonerwolf.com
So I begin the next chapter of my disturbing saga. I’ve been thinking lately I just cannot get better in this city. I stopped having all those trippy experiences at night, but I still felt like rubbish the next day. I was depressed, I had no motivation to do anything and I felt like I was being crushed by this heavy cloud which wanted to release rain but couldn’t. I wondered whether 5G was impacting my sleep and health. I wanted to get as far away from civilisation as I could get, so I started looking for houses to rent in the country, and thought about going back to the farm I did a working holiday at a few years ago. I stayed in a church, a beautiful piece of architecture, which the owners had build at the bottom of their property. Other people would book it for functions, though, such as the ayahuasca ceremony I wrote about here. There is no where else on the property I can stay while other people are using the church. I thought about just booking the church permanently and living there (it’s only $25 a night, and $50 weekends and is completely self-contained), but I didn’t want to “hog” the church and prevent the ayahuasca group from having ceremonies there. So I went to message the leader on Facebook to ask if he was still running ceremonies at the farm. I then noticed he hadn’t posted anything for a while and I wasn’t sure if he was still using Facebook. I then searched his organisation on Google to find a contact number. Their website had disappeared, but what I did find was this article. I was shocked to learn a man, who I think I actually knew, had died at one of the ceremonies. The leader is now facing criminal charges for negligent manslaughter because they didn’t call an ambulance when he became extremely unwell. Continue reading “A shocking discovery”
Every day I get urges to kill myself. Last night I called Lifeline. I actually found the lady who picked up really helpful. She was horrified by my psychologist’s behaviour and said she shouldn’t be practicing. Something I’ve learnt about Lifeline is they are there for anyone in distress and needing someone to talk to, you don’t have to be suicidal. Today when I woke up I called Blue Knot, a helpline for those with childhood trauma. They offer free, weekly 45 minute counselling sessions, though it’s a different counsellor each time. I’ve been meaning to check them out. I didn’t find the lady as empathetic and am not sure I will call them again next week.
I’ve been thinking a bit about my combination of personality disorders today. Each personality disorder is basically a defense strategy we develop to deal with trauma and pain. I have what might seem like an odd combination: BPD and Schizoid Personality Disorder. It is like having two people in my head arguing.
“You should have listened to me and never got involved with that psychologist”, Schizoid brags.
“I was right all along. Psychologists are dangerous. Attachments are dangerous. The only person you have and can rely on is yourself.”
But Borderline has a real need for attachment. The monochrome life of the Schizoid is unbearable.
The worst thing for Borderline is abandonment and loss. The worst thing for Schizoid is contact and suffocation. The two are constantly at war, and I struggle to find a middle ground. Continue reading “Today’s update: finding myself”
“I am tattered, I am tired I am worn and uninspired. They say You don’t give us more than we can handle, but I’m right on the edge.” Sparrows Rising – Father Help Me
Life likes to beat me when I’m already on the ground. As if losing my psychologist of four years wasn’t enough, I am now locked out of my Facebook account. It says the password is incorrect. Then I select the option to get a code sent to my email address to reset my password. Sometimes I don’t even get an email, and when I do get the code and type it in it says “The number that you’ve entered doesn’t match your code. Please try again.” I have gone round and round in circles it is maddening. Apparently Facebook crashed recently, but most people have been able to get their accounts back already.
I don’t know why the universe is doing this to me. Maybe it is a harsh way of getting me to shed all that is no longer serving me, like the leaves on the trees will soon start to fall as autumn arrives. I was actually thinking recently of deactivating my Facebook account. I don’t like supporting a platform that is run by robots and suppresses freedom of speech. I also felt the need to withdraw as I grieve my psychologist, or the person I thought she was anyway. But I was addicted to Facebook. It feels like all my coping mechanisms are being ripped away from me. Continue reading “Dark Night of the Soul”
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