On Sunday and Monday I felt the most crushing depression. I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t enjoy anything. There was absolutely nothing I looked forward to. On Sunday night I went to bed early with pills but then woke up again after a bad dream, which I’ve been having a lot of lately. It took me a while to get back to sleep. I woke up at 9am the next day which was extremely early for me. I woke up feeling like my legs were vibrating, as though I was lying next to a generator. It was a distressing feeling and I didn’t know if the vibration was coming from inside of me or outside of me. It reminded me of the mysterious Hum a friend told me about, a noise which torments a small percentage of the population and drives some people to suicide. Yet instead of hearing the noise, I felt it. My life started to feel like a test to see how much pain, suffering, torture, and distress one person can take before they finally die. I felt I had nothing to live for but more misery and very much wanted to make another suicide attempt. Continue reading “This week so far”
“I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left
I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left”
– Kate Bush, This Woman’s Work
Yesterday I had plans to go to Box Hill and see somebody I met in hospital. I was going to catch the train there. It has been a long time since I’ve been on the train. I drove to the train station, staggered up the ramp, and swiped my Myki card, only to be told it had expired. I was furious. Nobody staffed the train station and the train was nearly there. I ran into the supermarket over the road and asked if they sold Myki cards. They didn’t, but told me the milkbar up the road did. I slouched up to the milkbar as the train pulled in, wondering if I should just catch the next train and tell my friend I’d be half an hour late, or call for a taxi, which would be expensive. I bought the new Myki, but to my surprise, when I left the milkbar the train was still there. I decided to make a run for it. I felt like I was going to collapse from the stress, but I actually made it onto the train about a minute before it left. It was waiting for another train to arrive before it could leave. There were some girls from my old high school sitting on the carriage. They decided to make fun of me because of my earmuffs I wear to block noise, and probably my whole attire (I was wearing a rainbow top and baggy, men’s cargo pants). They giggled as I passed. I rarely go out in public and forgot that people target me because I’m different. I had gone to the school these girls were from up until Year Nine when I left due to bullying. Sadly, it looked like the school hadn’t changed one bit. Continue reading “Resilience”
hsphaven 