Tears slide down my face like raindrops to a window, though not enough to soak my pillow. It is strained, like the big black clouds that rolled in the other afternoon, relinquishing only a light drizzle which soon faded into nothing. I play “Breathe Me” by Sia to try and get them out. Continue reading “Be my friend”
If our emotions were M&Ms, my box would mainly be the one colour. Don’t get me wrong, it would certainly contain a range of colours to reflect my rather broad emotional vocabulary, but there is one which is well out of proportion to the others and that is anxiety. I have felt it so much and for so long now that it’s just become my “normal” state, and to be relaxed is a privilege. After having little luck with various therapies, relaxation strategies, and anti-anxiety herbs, I’ve just about given up and accepted that I will take this anxiety to the grave with me. But while reading Heller and LaPierre’s “Healing Developmental Trauma”, I came across a different perspective on chronic anxiety which might explain why it’s so ingrained and difficult to change in some people. Continue reading “Chronic anxiety: a reflection”
White lady, radiating white light, spun from the dream spell of a harp.
White Tara, saviour, seer, she who has guided me among the waves of tumultuous emotion or is it Kuan Yin Chinese Lady of Compassion.
It is ten years since I have been in China, sitting on an ancient city hilltop on stone stools, sipping green tea and cracking open sunflower seeds.
A five year old girl dressed in red, her parents beaming with pride and love as she sings me an English song. I had come to ask if I could take a photo. It is my birthday.
Another lifetime ago I had celebrated birthdays here in this vast land. There are few memories, one is me as a young girl sitting in a garden and eating a persimmon.
I am glad Tara is here, Tibetan deity of compassion. I long to know the God’s again, to reach my own inner God.
Windows of the soul are open. I am surrounded by silence, shadow, grass, birds, water flow, nature opening the windows of vision. I am earthed and yet I fly inwardly.
I need to get to know you again, Tara, my starlight that holds true within my heart. Beat your rhythm like a singing bowl, sing to me so I may sing back to you. Beat, beat, beat sings the bird up on a branch, twit, twit sings a smaller bird. I am trying to find my song to sing, the inner heart song, the inner truth.
All around me I am hearing of people who have drowned or nearly drowned, from a dear friend’s cousin to Merav’s story which is published in this week’s GoodWeekend (The Age), and can be read online here. I even had my own experience in January at Point Leo where death brushed over me on an outward bound trip gone-wrong. No longer was it about stepping out of my comfort zone, but fighting for my life. The impact of these experiences are huge on every level, affecting us not only physically but emotionally and also spiritually. It can make us question the existence of God and I find it really quite amazing how things happen when they do, as illustrated in Merav’s story. Coming close to death can also bring us a new appreciation for life. It can make us re-evaluate how we are living our lives as we realise our own fragility and how we never know when our lives could be taken away from us. Death and life are inseparable. Our relationship with death affects our relationship with life. Likewise, our relationship with life, I suspect, affects our relationship with death and our dying experience. While I would describe myself as spiritual, I know I have a lot of hang ups about death which manifests in nightmares, an obsession with healthiness and restricting my diet to avoid anything synthetic (which is perhaps, ironically, now making me unhealthy), a “thing” for loss where I am deeply saddened for the muffin I eat or the bath water I drain, and my panic attacks where at the flick of a switch I feel like I’m dying. There is a little voice in me that’s now asking me whether beneath my fear of death actually lies a fear of life given the two are intrinsically connected. And indeed, water is life. Water is flow, water is what makes up most of our body and water is what sustains us, so what an obscure thing drowning is where the very life-giving substance that water is turns into a terrifying, life-destroying monster, a perfect demonstration of the complex duel nature of such things. Continue reading “Drowning”
“… Despite dealing with racism and child abuse and mental health, it finds moments of beauty and kindness. Moments where Marnie and Anna, two lost children, find hope and love in one another. Their connection crosses time and Death and makes both of them whole, gives them both strength to deal with who and what they are.” Edward J Rathke
I would like to write a brief reflection about one of my all-time favourite films ‘When Marnie Was There’, a fairly new animation put out by Studio Ghibli. I find this film so beautiful in both its simplicity and complexity. While seemingly a kid’s film, it is dark and deals with some very “adult” issues. I was struck by the maker’s insight into the psychology of its characters, and I feel in many ways Marnie represents Anna’s shadow self.
I would like to start out by expressing just how deeply grateful I am for having been allowed the opportunity to write on this blog. However I find that I am nervous and unsure as this is my first time writing anything on a blog like this. Nor am I a wordsmith by any measure so I hope that I can deliver as expected.
My name is Ned. I am 26 years old and live in the Dandenong ranges. I recently had my very fist experience with depression. It started about a 3 months ago and lasted for about 2 and a half months. I understand that two and a half months is not a long time nor was the severity of my depression, knowing people with long term depression of a much harsher nature, so I do not mean to come across as being petty or attention seeking. However being the first time that it happened I felt very confused and worried as to why I felt so different all of a sudden. I normally feel as though I could take on the world. Even on my off days I can muster the mental fortitude to discard my worries and carry on with a positive outlook and a smile. But I found that I had lost my ability to do so. That was how it started. I would come home form a difficult day at work and would find that there was no resurfacing. I felt as though I was perpetually flat and no longer had any excitement in my life. I was over everything. All the things I would normally look forward to seemed to no longer interest me. Even the things I didn’t look forward to, such as working on Sundays, I would often be able to march into with a confidence and a ‘get it done and get out alive’ attitude all started to seem too much. I began to feel isolated and alone despite having numerous and close friends. These were all things that I had never felt or experienced before.
Over the past few years I’ve been exploring a few spiritual healing circles/workshops which I discovered through my networks. It’s difficult to describe the work they do, but in general, across all of them, it has been about clearing and transformation. The work is very intense. I always go through a lot of anxiety before the event, as though the darkness in me knows something’s about to shift and is kicking up a fuss. Then after the event I am left feeling utterly exhausted, but there is something very special about being witness to each member’s journey and the raw emotion they’ve kept hidden from the world, and likewise being seen and held with compassion. Continue reading “Healing with Manena: a personal account”
by David Hutchinson
Election aftermath, 4am. Sleep eludes me. But within me, an unexpected sense of hope and self-determination has taken hold amidst yesterday’s heart-wrenching turn of world events. Over the last 18 months, with horror and morbid fascination, I’ve watched the US election process as Americans revealed the worst side of themselves in giving air to the shallow, mean-spirited and truth-shunning bletherings of Donald J. Trump. Today he’s President Trump.
“Into the forest I go, to lose my mind and to find my soul”
It’s been a while since anyone’s made a post here, so I think I might resurrect this space with an interesting experience. Last Sunday night I had a massive “psychic opening”. Or, went mad, depending on how you look at it. It has certainly given me greater appreciation for the concept of “Spiritual Emergence” put forth by therapist Stan Grof. It’s worth checking out the network here in case you ever find yourself having a “spiritual emergency” or with someone who is. Continue reading “An interesting experience”
hsphaven 