Tears slide down my face like raindrops to a window, though not enough to soak my pillow. It is strained, like the big black clouds that rolled in the other afternoon, relinquishing only a light drizzle which soon faded into nothing. I play “Breathe Me” by Sia to try and get them out.

There’s a hole in me. I want to feel close to more people than therapists. What do you do when you become too dependent on someone? And how do you give yourself that love and nurture, rather than relying on other people? Have I missed something growing up? I am staying in a little house in the middle of the bush right now looking after a friend’s dog. I want to be self-sufficient like this house which runs on solar power, gas bottles and tank water. Self-sufficient in the love department, giving myself the nurture- the time, the reassurance, the hugs, the tender pats- I give to this dog, and the nurture therapists have given me. Is it possible to be completely self-sufficient? Maybe it’s not. How do you hug yourself? Even this house is not really totally self-sufficient… we still have to purchase the bottles of gas. What do they say, no man’s an island.

iloveyou3