I’m hunched over the laptop next to the fan heater in my small, messy ensuite right now hoping it will induce some creativity in me today. I like small spaces as they allow me to go inwards. I don’t know if it’s the cold, dreary weather, the room, the fact that it’s daytime, or that I got my period today, but the words I want are not coming to me. I feel like crap. I want to cry but no tears are coming out. They are stuck inside just like my words. Continue reading “The night and Nine Inch Nails”
I’d like to churn out one more post before I call it a night. This post is another song interpretation. This song is called “I Went Too Far” by Aurora, and it is my new favourite song and anthem right now.
This song is about being desperate for love. Love is a very human need, but some of us are so deprived of it that we will go to great lengths to get it. As a person with BPD (and a love addict), I relate so much to this song. One of the criteria for BPD is frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. That is what this song is all about. We throw away our dignity, begging for this person to show us some love and not leave us. Some people with BPD will go as far as injuring themselves as they are in so much pain and distress. This is what Aurora means when she says she “went too far”. I have at times scratched myself and tried to overdose right in front of people in attempts to get them to just acknowledge my humanity and give me care. It’s sad we have to go to this extent, but in a cruel, heartless world and a broken healthcare system often this is what it takes to get people to do something. Continue reading “I Went Too Far by Aurora”
“Nobody gives an answerI’m just asking why?Just tell me why?Why it has to be like this”
Enigma, “Why”
I usually like listening to sad songs on YouTube, but all my favourite songs are too triggering for me right now. Last night I had a break down listening to “True Colours” by Cyndi Lauper even. It was the part of the video which showed the little girl (who I assume was the younger version of Cyndi). I feel like that little part of me came out sometimes with my psychologist. I showed her my true colours, all of me, but instead of caring for these parts, she turned her back on them in the end. Then tonight I listened to “No More “I Love You’s“” by Annie Lennox. This was even worse. The tender music video shows Annie holding hands with the different characters. It reminded me of the times my psychologist held my hand, and how I feel this ending is all my fault because still, after all the care she showed me, I did not get better. I was the most unrewarding client she’s probably ever had. For a long time I’ve felt like all I really need is something very human: just to be held and touched. But there are only a few people I can really enjoy this with. For instance, I hate my family touching me, and I don’t like to be touched by most men. Most of the time touch is an emotionally empty experience for me. I long to be touched but I hate it too. But I had developed a very intense bond with my psychologist, and there was still so much more I felt we could do together, such as experimenting more with touch. Touch, when done right, allows us to leave survival mode, and in another time, and in another place, a little you is experiencing what it’s like to feel safe. I am deeply scarred by the way my psychologist drew me in and then spat me out. She said she was committed to me and that she thought it would be a shame to end our relationship as we had so much history together. I trusted her, and then she ruthlessly ends our relationship without giving me any say over the matter. There are no words for the pain and sense of betrayal I feel. I have had to take diazepam tonight as I’ve been so distressed by all this.
I never know what kind of rabbit holes and laneways my music is going to take me down each night. I would describe my taste as very “emo” tonight, but I’m not headbanging to heavy metal. No, it is much darker and moodier than that. Continue reading “Tonight’s miserable songs”
hsphaven 