I’d like to churn out one more post before I call it a night. This post is another song interpretation. This song is called “I Went Too Far” by Aurora, and it is my new favourite song and anthem right now.

This song is about being desperate for love. Love is a very human need, but some of us are so deprived of it that we will go to great lengths to get it. As a person with BPD (and a love addict), I relate so much to this song. One of the criteria for BPD is frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. That is what this song is all about. We throw away our dignity, begging for this person to show us some love and not leave us. Some people with BPD will go as far as injuring themselves as they are in so much pain and distress. This is what Aurora means when she says she “went too far”. I have at times scratched myself and tried to overdose right in front of people in attempts to get them to just acknowledge my humanity and give me care. It’s sad we have to go to this extent, but in a cruel, heartless world and a broken healthcare system often this is what it takes to get people to do something.

My psychologist once said to me “you know, I think all you need is some love”. I think this is one of the most accurate things she’s said to me. She knew exactly what I needed, but she has chosen to deny me this. I believe her behaviour was calculated and malicious. She knew exactly what she was doing and the impact it would have on me, but she didn’t care. Aurora asks, “Why can’t I turn around and walk away?” This is the question I keep asking myself too. My psychologist was a bitch and I can’t believe I’ve let her get to me so much. I feel like killing myself.

“I’m left behind with an empty hole
And everything I am is gone
I try to reach for another soul
So I can feel whole”

These lyrics speak right to my heart. Losing someone so important is soul-crushing and I now have a huge hole in my life. My already empty week has just become even more empty. Tomorrow will be Monday, which is usually when I’d see my psychologist. It was one of the few things I’d leave the house for each week. I plan on drinking the day away. I completely lost myself to this person who I never even really knew. As I wrote about in “Thoughts about narcissistic abuse”, my whole life revolved around her. I’d buy new clothes and think “this would be nice to wear to my appointment”. I have a cute pink kitty plush blanket sitting outside my bedroom which I ordered to bring to my psychology sessions. I was going to curl up under it in the backseat of my car after sessions as a form of self-care; I always felt shit afterwards because I was addicted to her. Now looking at this blanket makes me so sad; I should really put it out of sight. I feel like I’ve lost everything. My therapist was a drug, and now I am left desperately trying to find a new drug to make me feel good like she did. These lyrics (and music video) remind me of some lines in the song “Story of an addict” by Joe Nester. Joe talks about trying to break the cycle but the hole we’ve dug ourselves is way too deep without a ladder. I have a deep need for attachment… that is my ladder. A part of me wants to immediately find a new therapist/mother figure, but the rest of me has actually lost trust in professionals and are pushing back. Instead I look for another soul on dating sites, but who wants to be with somebody so needy and broken? I’m scared my need for love is a bottomless pit; it can never be filled by another human being. I am now turning to drugs and alcohol to take away the pain. I am even looking at getting some heroin. I’m going off the rails.

Anyways, that is my interpretation of the song and what it means to me. I hope you will take the time to listen to this amazing work of art.