The mental health system has become like an abusive parent. I have formed what we call in psychology a disorganised attachment style with them. A disorganised attachment style develops when a child’s caregivers- their only source of safety- become a source of fear. The child no longer trusts the caregiver, realising that they cannot rely on caregivers to meet their needs. The child seeks closeness, but at the same time, rejects the caregiver’s proximity and distances themselves due to fear. That is how I now relate to the mental health system. I called Lifeline this evening as I sat by the train tracks wanting to throw myself in front of a train. I knew what was going to happen. I knew I’d be taken back to the hospital. I wanted help, but I also know there is no help there. When the police came I told them there is nothing hospital can do for me and I tried to run away. A male officer grabbed me by my coat and made me get in the ambulance. The two paramedics were lovely, but even when they assured me that they would try to get the hospital to actually help me this time, I had lost faith in these places. I paced around the hospital corridor and almost picked up the bin and threw it. I was given two yellow olanzapine wafers, which I spat out. I was finally given a proper bed in the resus room which was quiet and had a door I could close. Maybe I should have stayed there, but shortly after the nurse left I got up and walked out through the ambulance bay. I passed a paramedic sitting by the door and gave her a look which said “if you tell anyone I’ll strangle you”. Something told me to run. And I kept on running, until I felt sick with a metallic taste in my mouth and was about to collapse. I caught a taxi home at midnight.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I have all these people in my head arguing. I have voices in my head telling me to kill myself, starve myself, do it all by myself, turn to authorities for help, run, flee, be chased.
I find comfort in Missy Higgins “Where I Stood”. Even though it is about a lover, it speaks to my feelings around the mental health system.
“I don’t know what I’ve done
Or if I like what I’ve begun
But something told me to run
And honey, you know me, it’s all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh, and I found myself listening
‘Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should”
hsphaven 