“Hooked on this poison, trapped in it’s deadly scene. Lost in it’s cruel remarks. Every hit takes me further from reality’s reach.” Lost in the chemistry (Chris Brown Music)

I don’t have a great deal to report in this post. I have got into art again and have spent the last few days shopping for new art supplies online. It has become an extension of my shopping addiction, which was mainly fashion. I have an “addictive personality” as it’s been called where as soon as I stop one addiction, another addiction replaces it. I’ve been off social media, which I was addicted to, for a few days. During this time I have spent at least $2000 on art supplies, which will be way more than I will probably ever earn selling $2 badges through my small art business. I’m staying up all night shopping. Recently, I sat on the laptop for 20+ hours straight. I wasn’t even tired, though that next night I paid for it. I was nauseous and so sick and I wondered if I was going to die.

I’ve been addicted to people and love, to gaming, to the laptop, to social media, to shopping, to work/study, you name it, though interestingly drugs, which gets the most spotlight, has not been one of my addictions thus far. Any addiction is an escape and is a common response to trauma. Beneath it all I am suffering greatly, having experienced medical trauma from a number of “helping” professionals and now facing the prospect of lifelong ear pain. I’m not sure why my ears are not recovering from the otoscope exam weeks back, which is considered non-invasive. A lot of different theories have been running though my mind: past trauma which has sensitised my mind and body to anything medical and also the insertion of things into my body (I also have vaginismus where I cannot insert anything down there either), the tightening of the muscles around my ear (which led me to try muscle relaxant medication at one point), that I perceived the object in my ear as a threat and something that doesn’t belong there and I cannot regulate my body’s threat response (my physio says pain is the nervous system’s attempts to protect us from harm), it’s like phantom limb syndrome where I still perceive something that is no longer in my ear, that my sleep disturbances mean my body cannot heal from anything, inflammation or an autoimmune disease, fibromyalgia, hyperacusis, and other underlying pain conditions, being a highly sensitive person, not even being human and having a different anatomy which leads medical practitioners to unwittingly injure me, a fault of the doctor’s where he did not insert the otoscope properly, used the wrong sized speculum and pushed it in too hard and fast (I’m sure I’ve had ear examinations in the past and I don’t remember them to be as uncomfortable as this one), an allergic reaction to something put on the otoscope (I’m also getting some itching in my ears), whether being mute for months has affected the muscles around my ears and their response to the procedure, whether the pain was already developing from something else such as an underlying ear infection or virus, whether the pain was already there but I never noticed as I was busy obsessing over something else, and even whether I am imagining all this and are somehow manifesting these symptoms psychologically, for instance through my subconscious beliefs that doctors damage me, that it will never get better and focusing my attention so much on my ears. It is probably a combination of a lot of these. So I have escaped into the land of woodland critters and fairies, buying lots of cute animal die sets and stamps and whimsical papers such as the Fairy Glade Collection by Crafter’s Companion, and those by Lavinia. I fell down a rabbit hole, a bit like the YouTube rabbit hole where YouTube advertises more songs and videos you will probably like on the right hand side and before you know it you have spent hours on there. Right now the top of my computer screen is filled with seventy tabs, and this is nothing compared to how many tabs I had open last night. I’m surprised my computer didn’t crash! I discovered Lawn Fawn and their interactive, sensory-appeasing cards such as this one where the rabbit literally jumps on the trampoline, their reveal wheel cards, their “shaker” cards such as the snow globe and the fairy shaker jar which contains sequins, and their “lift the flap meadow” die set where the tree trunk door opens to reveal a little bird (or whatever you put there) inside. I bought them all. I also bought their entire “scalloped treat box” range, my favourites being the spring house and the beach house, and most of their tiny gift box dies which come in a range of animals. Another type of card I love are the “create a scene” cards which layer dies over each other to create a 3D scene, such as the Fairy Glade Collection’s Moonshadow Valley card. I have found a few mushroom house designs and plan to buy some card lights, like discussed in this video, cover the windows with vallum and put the lights behind them. I have so many ideas, everything seems so good and I’m spending so much money that I’ve wondered whether I’ve gone manic. The only reason I haven’t bought anything today (except for the money on my prepaid card from the post office) is because last night I reached my card’s $1000 daily spending limit. But I have still been browsing, and have a whole lot more products lined up to purchase tomorrow. It is not humanly possible to make all these cards, boxes, bags etc. like it is not possible to wear all the clothes I have hoarded. At this rate I will probably die before I get to make them. But I like to have options. I hate losing things; seeing something cool and then finding it is no longer available upsets me greatly, so I have to grab it, which also makes me feel complete (temporarily). Today I was upset because several years ago I bought the “Happily Ever After” build-a-scene die set by Crafter’s Companion. It is no longer being produced. I remember there being some other cool sets in the collection but I can’t find them anywhere anymore. I have the hoarder’s mentality of “it could be useful one day”. I’m not even sure where I’m going to work on all these projects as I have no room or table space in my house. And knowing me, I am addicted to the idea of something more than the thing itself. Once it arrives I lose interest. I worry I will be too sick and depressed to actually do anything with the things I’ve bought and they will just clutter the house even more. I will miss out on the things that are important, like registering for those rare afternoon/evening markets that accommodate for night owls like me and where I will actually sell the stuff I create, as I am too busy buying stuff. I’m going to be super embarrassed when all my purchases start arriving at the door. I’m sure the local postman is familiar with my house by now. Sometimes I’m so embarrassed by all my purchases that I get some sent to my mum’s house. At least I’m keeping the postmen employed.

I’m a bit pissed off with Lawn Fawn and regret supporting them. They don’t include all the tools needed to create the cards they display in each listing, making you buy more of their products. Both stamps and die cuts are needed for a card (first you stamp the picture, then you cut it out using a die cut), but they don’t include them both. I think this is a mean marketing strategy. Each costs around $30, making it a very expensive hobby.

Not just addiction, but also my OCD and autistic hyperfixation feed into my spending habits. It is a fun cocktail of disorders, like a group of bullies all ganging up on you. I have always been a “collector” and, as a kid, I loved collecting those jumping bean toys, beanie kids, rocks, bottle tops, Smelly Bellies, millennium bugs and crazy bones, those rubber balls you got by putting a coin in those plaza machines (I had a whole box of them, which I thoroughly enjoyed emptying on the wooden hallway- after shutting all the doors- and trying not to get hit by one), the toy animals inside kinder surprises and yowies, chocolate wrappings themselves, and those 3D tazo Pokemon and Digemon cards they included in chip bags. I remember my dream when I was ten years old was to own everything in the world, something that cracks me up today. My chosen superpower was not to fly, nor to turn invisible, but to be an elitist and own everything. Now my collector tendencies have become pretty unhealthy. My addictions help me cope in some ways. They are a distraction from the pain, but in the end they bring other problems. It takes over my life. I don’t look after myself, I don’t sleep, eat, go outside, get any sunlight or exercise. Here’s an idea for you: if you want to lose weight, find a hyperfixation (other than losing weight)! I get sick spending so much time on electronic devices. I develop headaches, aches and pains, and when I get up I can barely stand for a while and I am so light headed I can barely see where I’m walking. I do not sit at a table to use my laptop but am on my bed hunched over it, with my prolonged poor posture starting to take its toll. All my purchases add more chaos, clutter and dysfunction to my life. Plus my spending is not sustainable long term. My bank account is shrinking rapidly. I can’t keep spending this much or else I’m going to become broke. And for some addicts, it doesn’t even stop there; they then start stealing money. It may seem good that I’ve become interested in art again, but I don’t know whether it’s art I’m so much interested in, but spending. I will find any excuse to spend or use the laptop (and even better, both!). I already have a lot of cool art supplies which are just sitting in the cupboard collecting dust. As a friend said, spending money on experiences is often worth it. But more and more material possessions which I do not need, don’t end up using and is going to land me broke is probably not. I’m not sure. I will accept just about anything that numbs my pain, and as sick and dysfunctional as it is I am grateful I have found something that gives me a little bit of relief.