Weekends are always particularly shit for some reason. I relapsed with the alcohol on Sat night. I was in so much pain, more emotionally than physically. I felt so alone. I fear I will never be able to fill this hunger inside of me. I took pills and drank until I was hazy and felt like a ghost. The warmth numbed my ear pain and it was nice to be in an altered state where I didn’t have to feel my body, though I could still hear my stomach carrying on. I think hearing is the last sense to go. Finally I fell asleep. I tried my best not to overdo it with the alcohol. I could have done a lot worse. It was no where near as bad as last year’s overdoses, but I still drank too much and it’s just made everything worse. I’m scared my body’s never going to be the same after Saturday’s drinking. I have so much regret, but I just couldn’t talk myself out of it at the time, even though I knew it was toxic. I’m still fucked from my overdoses last year which left me with POTS, a tremor and a bounding pulse. I’m thinking of leaving my alcohol at my mum’s house so I don’t do it again. Continue reading “The weekend: alcohol relapse”
“All that’s made me
Is all worth trading
Just to have one moment with you
So I will let go
Of all that I know
Knowing that you’re here with me
For your love is changing me”
Trading Yesterday- May I
Yesterday I had another session with my physio. He is always so kind to me (he even offered to look at my computer which I was having problems with; I told him I’d consider bringing it in so he can do some physiotherapy on it!). I’m always late and apologise, but he just seems happy I’ve got there at all. He did some more work on my TMJ, and was gentler than last time as he knew I had a few issues after the last treatment. He did admit that he did more than he was planning to last time because I let him and should have been more careful given how sensitive I am.
“It it ok if you take your hat off?” he asked me before he began. I was dressed up as an emo with a black studded beanie. I took it off and covered my face with it. I actually felt more comfortable like this. He preferred to see my face to gage whether I was ok, but I kept most of it covered with the beanie.
Continue reading “Physiotherapy, touch starvation, sleep, adult babies, trust issues”
“For I am finding out that love will kill and save me
Taking the dreams that made me up
And tearing them away
But the same love will take this heart that’s barely beating
And fill it with hope beyond the stars
Only love”
– Trading Yesterday, “The Beauty & The Tragedy”
I struggle to remember the past few weeks, but I do know that I haven’t been sleeping and my stomach still won’t shut up. Sometimes it sounds like water gurgling down the bathtub drain, other times like a creaking door or like my stomach is full of frogs. Every little thing is agonising; just filling a glass of water feels like running a marathon. I’m angry all the time, I want to cry all the time yet all the tears are stuck inside, and I’m exhausted. Yet I do feel the sun peaking through the clouds a bit more. My mood is slightly better, I’m a bit more active, I’m playing badminton again, my physio is ridiculously nice and patient, my mum has been kindly making me meals that comply to my new diet, and I have been commissioned by my favourite vegetarian restaurant to take some photos of the place. The restaurant is run by a couple who are also neurodivergent. They really get me, and always seat me in the quietest spot away from everyone else. They gave me some times when the restaurant will be empty for me to take the photos, which is great as I get flustered around other people. Continue reading “Update: depression, insomnia, fashion, gut issues, annoying neighbours, losing things, favourite person”
I feel like I’m being beaten to the ground from all angles. My period adds to the assault, worsening my already terrible mental health and sleep, bringing severe pain and making me sick. There is an ugly physical driver to all my issues. Often I can literally feel all the chemicals/hormones running rampant in my body. Shortly after I got my period this week, there was a day when I was swamped with the worst feeling which I cannot even name or describe. There were so many things I wanted to do- write, sleep, go to the park, answer texts, see people, finish my shopping, open the parcels that have arrived and return the items that don’t fit, clean up my house, do a better job at looking after myself- but I couldn’t do anything, and I still struggle to. These days just getting up and filling a glass of water feels like running a marathon. Then knocking over a glass of water by my bad, which I had managed to fill, feels like the end of the world. When I got my period I had a total freak out when I heard my dad arrive home, terrified of him approaching me. I almost cancelled with my therapist, who I go for walks with. Thankfully he was running late as well, so I had a bit more time to finish the piece of writing I was determined to complete, get dressed and get myself together. I packed some diazepam in case I had a panic attack. When I saw him I think he could sense something was pretty off with me. I tied a top around my head to cover my acne, I had lost more weight, I was dressed up like a little girl in a pink Mary Blair pinup dress with a train printed on it, white lacy socks and tbars. We lay on the grass for a bit and I started to feel my whole demeanor turn into a little child. The park was strangely quiet.
“Can you leave me here?” I asked him.
He paused.
“I don’t feel comfortable,” he said. Continue reading “The fight for wellness”
“Hooked on this poison, trapped in it’s deadly scene. Lost in it’s cruel remarks. Every hit takes me further from reality’s reach.” Lost in the chemistry (Chris Brown Music)
I don’t have a great deal to report in this post. I have got into art again and have spent the last few days shopping for new art supplies online. It has become an extension of my shopping addiction, which was mainly fashion. I have an “addictive personality” as it’s been called where as soon as I stop one addiction, another addiction replaces it. I’ve been off social media, which I was addicted to, for a few days. During this time I have spent at least $2000 on art supplies, which will be way more than I will probably ever earn selling $2 badges through my small art business. I’m staying up all night shopping. Recently, I sat on the laptop for 20+ hours straight. I wasn’t even tired, though that next night I paid for it. I was nauseous and so sick and I wondered if I was going to die. Continue reading “Shopping addict”
“Do you know how it feels to crave a body made of steel?” Lauren Aquilina, Irrelevant
It’s been over a week since I last posted. It has really just been the same shit, different week. I still have pain and discomfort in my ears from when the doctor examined them with his instrument. It has not improved at all, which is depressing. I worry I will take this to the grave with me. He gave me some ear drops which I found out contains antibiotics and an anti-inflammatory, cortisteroid drug. I haven’t tried it yet as I’m scared to put anything else in my ears after this experience, but I’m getting desperate. He said it didn’t look like an infection so I’m not sure why he’s given me ear drops containing antibiotics. I don’t want to take antibiotics for an infection I don’t even have. I will be seeing him again tomorrow and asking for some ear drops which only contain the cortisteroids. Cortisteroids is something my friend, who has a similar health condition, was suggesting too. Continue reading “Update: ear sensitivity, moods, wild nights, psychosis, hormones, annoying neighbours, losing things, gay bands, alter egos”
“Depression is
Living in a body
That fights to
Survive, with a mind
That tries to die.”
My dad has always said that full moon really knocks him about. He reports a “crash” after full moon. Apparently emergency departments are bursting on full moon. My friend and I definitely felt the recent full moon. We were both extremely depressed.
I have been journalling for a week now, and it’s painting a pretty grim picture of my life. I don’t fall asleep until sunrise and sometimes even later such as 10am. I am distressed pretty much every day and I experience deep, frequent lows where I rate my mood as 1/10 or 0/10. Depression has become normal for me. I have no quality of life and at this point life has become about surviving the days and trying to minimise my distress until I finally die. Continue reading “Full moon”
“Everything you say to me
(Takes me one step closer to the edge)
(And I’m about to break)
I need a little room to breathe
(‘Cause I’m one step closer to the edge)
(I’m about to break)”
– Linkin Park, “One Step Closer“
I don’t know if the world has got louder and more overbearing over the course of my life, or something has changed in me, making me less able to deal with it. I’m now in a constant state of overwhelm. At some point I developed hyperacusis, where a person hears the world ten times louder than most people. There is a great news report on it here. We do get to the point where we have to live our lives inside a padded room.
I tried to buy some dinner the other night as I am not able to cook anything myself. I had left my earmuffs at home, though, as I was flustered trying to get out the door before my dad came home. I attempted to go out in public without them, which was, as the hyperacusis news report described, a “landmine filled anxiety ridden trek”. I wrote the following text to my therapist:
“Fucking trains honking. Fucking cars everywhere that can beep at any moment. Fucking kids having a fucking birthday. Fucking balloons. Fucking metal wind charms attached to the fucking restaurant door which deafen you whenever it opens. Fucking dogs barking. Fucking staff calling out “no 83, no 83” while I have a break down in their fish and chip shop. Fucking people staring at me wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I’ve fled back to my car. I think I’ll just starve.” Continue reading “Social anxiety, overwhelm, no escape”
hsphaven 