Irrational guilt. That’s a persistent component to my c-ptsd. I met a lovely group of people the other day. When I finally ventured to open up about myself I felt a great deal of relief that I had not felt for some time. It was a positive experience for me but something happened that I should have been prepared for.
When people are nice to me I begin to feel a creeping sense of guilt build up within me. The more sympathetic the person I’m talking to the greater the sense of guilt. Why does this happen? The conditions that led to my c-ptsd also left a self-correcting mechanism within it. This leads to my questioning of why I am worth anybody spending time on in the first place.
It’s pleasant talking to people. Even a shut in like myself needs human contact. But when that contact produces such an unpleasant effect it keeps me from really appreciating the interaction. I don’t know which is correct way to handle this. Face the fear of monstrous guilt when I’m with nice people who are just trying to help me or cut myself off from human contact entirely. Neither option seems attractive.
Is there a third option? Maybe not. Then why do I keep looking for one?