I’ve been isolated lately. I can handle being alone for long periods but eventually it begins to grate on me. It’s not so much an emotional connection that I am missing when I isolate myself but an intellectual one. That’s not to say that a sense of friendliness or comraderie is not appreciated when I interact with people but there is a greater need at my core.
Maybe I am feeling useless. Maybe I’m feeling a sense of pointlessness with the standard, mundane process of life. Nothing horrible has happened lately. I just feel that my potential is being wasted. I’m getting older. My ideas rarely make it to the page. No one gives me useful feedback on my ideas. In fact, no one seems to want higher level discussion.
Perhaps I’m in the wrong environment. It may be the case that I need to interact with new people. Maybe. Who though? Occasionally, even in academia, people rarely have the patience or the desire to engage intellectually, argue seriously but respectfully and to reevaluate thier own ideas.
No. What do I find instead? People needing validation. People looking for mundane humor to amuse them. People more worried about agreement than debate. People motivated to crawl inside of their own fantasies rather than make an honest attempt to apprehend the world as it really is.
What to do about this dire state of affairs? Give up? Maybe. Why do I feel like that option is the wrong one. All I can say is there is a need inside of me. Not the need for love, compassion, acceptance or any of those standard complaints people often make about their lives. Just as deeply as people need those things I need intellectual connection.