“The tide recedes, but leaves behind
Bright seashells on the sand.
The sun goes down but gentle warmth
Still lingers on the land.
The music stops and yet it lingers on
In sweet refrain.
For every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains.”
Martha Vashti Pearson
An excruciating sense of loneliness has followed me all my life. I never had a solid group of friends as I moved schools seven times. I was always the new girl, the outsider, and wherever I went, I was told how much I was hated. I was bullied at nearly every school and this took the same form each time: exclusion. No hands were laid. Sometimes no words were even spoken, I was simply glared at from across the room. We called it “the evil eye”, a glare reserved for the most despicable. Sometimes I wonder whether that is why people’s faces are a blur to me, my mind’s attempt to protect me from seeing such hatred again.
This feeling of being unloved and all alone in the universe goes even deeper than this life. I believe I inherited some of it from my mother, who was an adopted child. If I were in her shoes, I would wonder why I was put up for adoption. Separated from the woman who produced and carried me in her womb, I would feel alone. But this feeling goes even deeper than generations. A few years ago I had a spiritual reading done. In one life, a long time back, I was a nurse who took in a baby abandoned outside the orphanage. That baby then died, and its soul attached itself to me, the nurse and the only one who loved her. In another life I was the only child who would play with the little boy who had leprosy. He was shunned by everyone else. When he died, his soul attached to me. Alas, according to these spiritual healers, I end up feeling like a leper or an abandoned child and the pattern continues. They helped these lost souls detach from me and move on.
I was so struck by the work these spiritual healers were doing that I enrolled in one of their consultations called “My Angels and Me”. I learnt who my guardian angels were and how they speak to me. They speak to me primarily through touch/feeling and I have four angels:
- Dance lightly over troubled waters (female)
- Know when the storm has passed (female)
- Be firm in commitment to self (male)
- Touching others with light and magic (female)
One of my angels came to me recently. My case worker, who I love and who I knows me better than anyone, told me his service is not long term so we will have to finish at some point. I spent the afternoon on the floor of his office crying. It’s as though it opened a wound in me that had barely started to heal. I continued to bleed for weeks. All I could think about was how I could end this awful life. I had only just been discharged from hospital and I ended up back there. I spent the night there and then it was the morning. I lay in my hospital bed separated from the other beds only by a curtain. I started to drift off again, and I fell into a deep sleep. There was someone sitting beside my bed, a woman. I rested my hand on her arm and lifetimes of loneliness started to melt away. I thought she was a nurse, but then I started to wake up. The nurses were shaking me awake. “The doctor is here to see you” they said. The woman beside me faded away. I realised she was not a nurse, she was an angel. The level of care she showed me was beyond this realm. She came to me to show me I am not alone… that my case worker is not the only one who knows me. In fact I have a team of FOUR angels who love me, are devoted to me, and know exactly what it is I need.
While my angel has faded away, I still feel her love and I know she is there even though I can’t see her anymore. She is like the stars, always there even though we don’t always see them. I feel more ok about my case worker because I know I have my angels. I am so grateful for the divine intervention at such a low point in my life.
I have been out of hospital for a few weeks and I have managed to keep my mood up and stay out of hospital. I did some reading and found this article about guardian angels which I’d like to share: