The healthcare system, like most aspects of this world, can be brutal for highly highly sensitive people. Often we turn to healthcare professionals to heal the damage the world has done to us, but then are left with further injuries.

When I was a teenager I was injured from a routine clean at the dentist. The nurse cut a blood vessel and I bled. She said she’d never had this happen before. Since then my gum has been receding and now the root of the tooth is exposed, causing me discomfort. I am told I need a gum graft, which I’ve been putting off for years as the dentist is what caused the problem in the first place.

When I was 19 I saw my first psychologist. She was the first person I talked to about my childhood trauma. She meant the world to me. But the relationship was destined to end. I became severely depressed. I am now 30 and the depression has not left me to this day. It has been with me nearly every day for the past decade. I saw new therapists and the same thing happened. They all left. I was given medication which I was told would make me feel better. It was something that I never felt very comfortable about. Shortly after starting I had a dream about dumping rubbish into the ocean. The ocean was my body and the rubbish were the pills. The medication left me with new ailments: tremors, myoclonic seizures, a buzzing sensation on my head. These persisted even after stopping the drug. In the case of Effexor, I was on the lowest available dose and only took the drug for a few weeks. I discovered how sensitive my body is to drugs. Not just psychiatric drugs, but stimulants, marijuana and psychedelics. I had some terrifying experiences with these drugs which I hoped would heal me. They almost killed me.

On Monday I went to a Chinese medicine clinic hoping it would heal the damage done by the psychiatric drugs. I was given a massage, which I found painful. I eventually said something to the therapist, and she told me to “breathe” and that she was good at finding the painful spots. But I’d never before experienced pain there. She practiced holding me in different positions. It takes me a while to know when I’m feeling uncomfortable. I eventually asked her to try another position. She said yes she had felt my heart rate go up when she held me like that. I wondered why she didn’t stop or check in with me then. While she worked on me she told me how her brother would beat her up when she was growing up. The door to the clinic jingled open; her next client had arrived. She left me to collect myself. As I left the clinic she stopped me to make another appointment. I was anxious, couldn’t think clearly and didn’t even know what day it was. I was barely able to drive home safely. Ever since that massage I have had what I believe to be nerve pain down my arms, hands, fingers, legs and feet. It is not excruciating but it bothers me more as a highly sensitive person (we tend to be sensitive to pain). I couldn’t believe something as benign as a massage could damage me. I didn’t know if I wanted to see her again. Last night I texted her saying I felt awful from the massage and didn’t want to come again on Friday. I had put my trust in professionals believing they knew what they were doing and on some level I felt betrayed and angry. She told me there must be a lot of inflammation in my system and that my reaction was “strange”. On top of the physical discomfort the massage has been hard on me emotionally. That night I was awake all night upset about all kinds of things. I wanted to cry. At one point felt like a little child again. I sat in bed clutching my toy rabbit feeling scared, helpless and alone.

The greatest gift we can give ourselves as highly sensitive people is to learn to honour and listen to our body and our sensitivity. Deep down we know when something is off. We need to be gentle with ourselves and surround ourselves with people who are gentle with us and do not tell us there is something wrong with us. I hope I will recover from this massage (and the many other treatments I’ve had over the years) which my body and subconscious experienced as invasive, unsafe and just too much. I hope I can better listen to and respond to what my body and dreams are trying to tell me.