I’m tired. Not sleepy, just worn down by life like a rock breaking down into sand. I have no strength left to make the changes necessary to improve my life. To be honest I don’t even know what they are. I am sick of revolving in and out of hospital. I don’t exactly enjoy being woken in the middle of the night by a nurse shining a torch in my face to check that I’m still breathing. I don’t exactly enjoy having to take my laptop to the nurse’s station multiple times a day to charge it because I’m not allowed the charging cable in my room. But I’d still rather stay here than at home where I am woken by the neighbour. Home is meant to be our refuge from the world. I find it particularly distressing not being able to get away from noise even in my own house, and not being able to sleep when I need to. When I wanted to cut all my hair off the other day I think it was really about the need for something big to change in my life. Living in Melbourne makes me mental. During my stints in the country where I get to stay on a farm for free in exchange for my labour, I have been better. I have managed to get off all my meds. But whenever I return to Melbourne I have go back on them to sleep, and soon enough I am back in hospital with more ailments. I hate this life. I hate this city. I hate the traffic. I hate the chaos. I hate being around people. Today while on leave I had another autistic/sensory meltdown. The hospital kept calling me because I was due back from my leave but I couldn’t answer as it was so noisy and I was just trying to make it back in one piece. When I finally made it back I crumbled and screamed. The nurse took me back to my room. While she went to get me some diazepam I stood in the cold shower fully clothed. I don’t want to keep taking medication. I am not sick. This place is sick. This world is sick. What is keeping me here? I love my psychologist. But it is a strange love, as Sarah Brightman sings. A faded kind of love. A contracted love. It is like artificial sweetener. Sweet, but not the real deal. I want something real. I want to live where this music video is set. I want to be free. But it is time to take my laptop to the nurse’s station as the battery’s as depleted as I feel right now.
Zoe
A founder of hsphaven, Zoe hopes to create a space for HSP writers to come together and share their diverse passions and expertise through writing. This has been an important outlet for Zoe over the years; she fondly recalls writing stories as a child at recess and lunchtime and sharing them with her classmates. Some of Zoe’s areas of interest include mental health, healing and self-development. She has a background in psychology/social science. In her spare time Zoe enjoys being in Nature, op shopping, vegan food, music, and art and craft.
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