The last few days have been a rollercoaster ride. I injured my foot so haven’t been able to play badminton or do much walking. I’d always taken for granted my feet and ability to walk. I didn’t realise just how much I relied on these things to get through the week. I remember a nice lad in a BPD group I used to go to was in deep grief over an injury that prevented him from playing tennis. Tennis was incredibly therapeutic for him, and he was lost and aimless without it. I now have much greater empathy for him. Before the injury I had been hiking regularly trying to lose weight. I have been stopped in my tracks. Some people might say that’s a good thing as I don’t need to lose weight, but I am itching to continue my progress. Thankfully my foot is healing, and I’m hoping to be able to play badminton again next week.

I am also fighting with my therapist right now, which led me to cancel our sessions, leaving my week even more empty. Last session she told me that she didn’t think I had Complex PTSD. She didn’t know if my trauma was “catastrophic” enough. I have been running a Complex PTSD group for years, have read Pete Walker’s book about it, and really identify with the diagnosis. I felt so minimised by her. I spent last night researching the diagnostic criteria for Complex PTSD. The diagnosis is not in the DSM but is in the ICD. A person must have been exposed to “prolonged or repetitive events that are extremely threatening or horrific from which escape is difficult or impossible”. But who gets to decide what is “horrific”, “threatening”, or “catastrophic” ? As Doc Snipes says in her video, what is horrific for a child might not be horrific for an adult. What is horrific for a highly sensitive person might not be horrific for a non-HSP. I would argue that we all experience things differently and can develop post traumatic stress to anything. It has nothing to do with the event, it’s what happens inside of us. Our nervous system and symptoms should ultimately be the decision maker. These symptoms, according to the ICD, are:

  • Re-experiencing (e.g. bad dreams, feeling anxiety and other emotions as if the trauma is happening again)
  • Avoidance
  • Sense of threat (e.g. hypervigilance)
  • Affect dysregulation (e.g. anger, feelings easily hurt)
  • Negative self-concept (e.g. feeling guilty or worthless)
  • Interpersonal problems (e.g. never feeling close to another person, feeling distant or cut off from other people)

The last three symptoms are unique to Complex PTSD, and what helps distinguish it from PTSD. There is a strong relationship between Complex PTSD and BPD and depression.

I think the wording of the diagnosis needs to change as more subtle yet equally damaging traumas such as emotional abuse, neglect and lack of attunement are not captured well. I still believe I do meet the criteria though. I have experienced many different traumas including birth and medical trauma, witnessing domestic violence, being bullied relentlessly, being made to feel completely alone in the universe, narcissistic abuse, attachment trauma, and possibly sexual abuse as well. These things would be threatening for anyone, and I can’t believe my psychologist still questions the Complex PTSD diagnosis. Does she not even believe that these things have happened to me?! Being ostracised, excluded and isolated, which was the way in which I was bullied most of the time, is registered by the brain as a physical threat. Rejection is processed by the brain in the way physical pain is processed. Plus you only need to look to nature to see how important social connection is. Penguins huddle together which protects them from physical threats. Humans are the same. The traumas in my life have all led me to fear people, and I now avoid people. When I do see people I engage in defence responses such as people pleasing. I am just in survival mode and don’t truly connect.

On Friday night I shot my psychologist a very angry email. I think it has been building for a while. I’m sick of feeling shit after every session. I’m sick of the way I pour my heart out to her in emails and she doesn’t even make time to read them anymore. I’m still upset at the way she blocked me like I was a bully just because I found her on Facebook, and even taunted me by changing her username to “You can’t find me”. I found it incredibly immature. I told her I was done with therapy. It felt like one of the most empowering decisions I’ve made. I felt like an angry, reckless teenager, which is actually common in people with Complex PTSD. That night I tried to recruit friends to join me for a “wild” night. I wanted to ride on top of cars, run around half naked, and dance and swim at 1am.

My anger has died down now, and I was very tired after Friday night. I was hoping to hear back from my psychologist smoothing things over, but she never bothered replying to my email. My mum wanted to talk with her, so I said she could go to my session today. They will be talking right this minute.

Idealisation and social anxiety-

Therapy has had a terrible impact on me. It has become an addiction. Therapists tend to become the centre of my universe and I withdraw from all other relationships. Then when it ends it’s like I’ve lost everything. I am frequently suicidal when therapeutic relationships end and have been depressed ever since I lost my first therapist a decade ago.

I am now trying to build up a support network/life outside of therapy. I have been going to a café each Sat and saying hello to a waitress there who I enjoy talking with. She was very kind to me a few months back when I rocked up to the café with bad anxiety from an ADD stimulant I was taking. She gave me a hug, and shared a little bit about her own struggles too. I have come to really look up to her and have become a bit attached to her. I didn’t see her for two months as I was admitted to hospital. Then when I returned she wasn’t there. People were starting at me, the dog was barking at me, and I just wanted to disappear and cry. I felt like I was going to pass out. I worried she felt rejected by me and left. I felt like such an awful person. Thankfully she was just taking a break, and is back now. She sat down at my table last Sat and we chatted a bit. She said it was good to see me again, and offered to have a chat with me, though I don’t have any way of contacting her outside of the café. I would really like to be friends with her, but am not sure how to initiate a friendship.

Idealisation is one of my biggest BPD traits. It is not as joyful as it might seem. I feel extremely anxious around people I idealise. Every Sat I have to fight against all the parts of me telling me to stay home. I dread Sat, and it would be far easier to just stay home. I feel off-putting, like I repel people with my negative energy. I read into everything, such as why the waitress didn’t say goodbye to me, and handed over her work to another waiter. I think it’s because she can’t stand being around me. The anxiety is so bad I’m thinking of taking valium. I want to talk with this woman at the café without being so awkward and terrified. The valium may help, but ultimately I need to change the way I view myself. I need to see that I have a lot to offer too and view myself as an equal to other people.