hsphaven

Last weekend I went to a camping retreat for women. I can’t say I was looking forward to it. I dreaded it. I live a very insular life and the thought of being around people made me want to cry. It was all so much effort to get ready too. I was extremely depressed and my stress levels and anxiety were through the roof. I even started getting unwell physically from all the stress. I kept telling myself that the event was only 15 mins from my place, so I could easily leave at any time (though I don’t drive so if it was late at night I would’ve had to call a taxi).

My disability support worker drove me there, and one of the ladies helped me set up my tent. I found a spot away from everyone else. There were about nine of us. We had lunch together. I started chatting with one other lady, but when everyone else joined us my anxiety was so bad I couldn’t concentrate on what was being discussed.

After lunch we sat in a circle inside the host’s dome with a candle in the middle and various herbal tinctures. We went round the circle, introduced ourselves and shared one word which described how we were feeling. Most women said joyous or grateful. I felt like the only person who was feeling so awful. When it got to me I had a million different words swirling around my head. I just ended up saying I was “a bit overwhelmed”.

We started with a talking circle. If somebody wanted to speak and share a little about their journey and why they were here, they picked up the branch of gum leaves, and everyone else listened. I felt my anxiety getting worse and worse the more people shared, especially when we got to the second last person. I felt like people would be looking at me next expecting me to talk. My head was all clogged up and I didn’t know where to begin. My entire life has been a series of awful events. I picked up the branch but it took me a while to speak. I ended up focusing on the last 10 years. I shared how there is always something I’m stressed about, that I’ve been depressed ever since I lost a close relationship 10-11 years ago, that I have tried various healing modalities but they’ve left me with new problems, and when I try to fix those problems I get even more, that I am uncomfortable in my own body with all my nerve issues, and that I was bullied throughout school so am anxious around people. My depressing rant was met with kindness by the group. They could tell how difficult it was for me to speak and handed me a jade green stone heart to hold. As for why I was there, I guess I was at a point recently where I was thinking of quitting therapy. I was angry at my therapist. I feel like these relationships have taken over my life and I have withdrawn from everyone else. I felt insecure, knowing all too well the fragility of these relationships. I am not part of the therapist’s life, and if something comes up in their personal life or if they stop working then the relationship is over. I realised I need a community rather than just therapists. I want people who I can hang out with over the weekend. I want equal, two-way relationships. And mostly my soul longs for sisterhood. I have always found it easier to connect with guys, though I long to be close with another female. I was bullied by girls right through school, and even today I don’t have many girlfriends. I’ve also had a somewhat difficult relationship with my mum. So I guess those were the reasons which drew me to this event.

I thought I’d be too depressed and anxious to dance, but as night approached I started to feel something stir within me. I felt a fire in me and wanted to let loose. We lit the campfire and had a lady who is studying “Open Floor” dance/movement guide us into the dance. One of the exercises, before we “dissolved”, was to lean into another person or a tree so we get a sense of our own solidity. I found the exercise a bit awkward. I much prefer solo dance. I was ready to “dissolve”, to let the music sweep me away to a place where no body else exists, it is just me and the music. I had my back and bum against another girl’s back and bum and we took turns leaning into each other and holding each other as we attempted to move in tune to the music which was getting more party-like. Lets just say I was glad when that part was over. For the rest of the time I rolled around the freshly cut grass like a lunatic. I wasn’t even on drugs, I’m just weird.

That night we sat around the fire and shared songs and poetry. I ended up sharing the poem I wrote about the time I was manic last year and had the cops chasing me (it can be found here). The group was silent afterwards. At first I worried I had spoiled the atmosphere, but it ended up taking our sharing to a whole new level, and another woman shared another darker poem about love making her mad. Something I noticed about this community is that they don’t use pathologising language to describe their experiences. They talk about the descent into the “underworld” and “inner journeying”. That night sitting around the fire sharing poetry took me back to when I was seven years old and would write and share stories with friends.

I felt relaxed and ready to sleep by the time I got back to my tent. But I was shocked to discover that I had left some food in there and the ants had found it. There were ants everywhere. I spent a while clearing out the food and wiping down the floor of the tent. Finally, when I climbed into my sleeping bag, I noticed my foot vibrating. It has been vibrating on and off since I injured it a few weeks ago. I find the sensation incredibly distressing, like I am lying on machinery: brrrrrr, brrrrrr. Each time I worry it is never going to go away. All the walking up and down the hill barefoot and the dancing must have exacerbated it again. I just wanted to knock myself out, to not have to feel it anymore. I took a few sleeping pills and then started popping a few tablets of valium. Still, I wasn’t falling asleep, so I took more and more. I must have taken about five or six times the prescribed dose. I have overdosed on valium before and felt like I was drunk. I remember lying on the ground in a park not caring what anyone thought. It was a nice feeling, but the triage lady I called got me to stagger back to my house where she sent an ambulance. That night in my tent I wondered if I should call someone or whether I needed another short stay in hospital, but all I wanted in that moment was to be knocked out. Finally, the drugs kicked in, and I was out. I had no dreams and it was like being dead until 8:30am when the heat of my tent woke me up.

Most of the other girls left on Sunday, but I spent the rest of the day there intending to go to a poetry event the host was running that night. At 6pm people started arriving for the poetry night, and they were rowdy. We all crammed into the dome. I went very quiet as I was feeling extremely overwhelmed. I ended up leaving. I think my social battery was depleted. My dad arrived and helped me pack up my tent. My heart was heavy and I hesitated taking down the tent. I did want to spend another night camping, but I had already said goodbye to the host. I also wanted to go home where I could have a bath and rest my foot, and I was seeing my psychologist on Monday. I returned home with a headache, like I had before I came to the event. I guess I had done the full circle.

The next camping event will be early next year, and I’m interested in going again. I’m glad I went. As we were discussing at the event, no two events are the same, just like no man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man. We have a different mix of people at each event and different astrological influences. I certainly feel the energy has been very weird leading up to this event, with people doing stupid things on the road, a lot of people going mental (including myself; I thought the world was going to end), and the CFA siren going off a lot. I think I showed a lot of courage by showing up to the event and sharing what I did. I will finish with one of the songs that was played at the event.