“Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, enfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me”

~ Sia, Breathe Me

The other night I fell down a very strange rabbit hole. I discovered the world of “adult babies” and “littles”. These people identify as children in an adult’s body. They like to wear onesies and childish clothes with bright colours, pastels or cute patterns. They like temporary tattoos, stickers, nursery-style furniture, cartoons, lollypops and kids food, bubbles and bubble baths. Their room is full of toys and picture books, they drink out of bottles, they wear dummies, and there are even services designed for adult babies where they can be taken care of. They can nap in a crib, be held by the people who run the service, and some enjoy wearing nappies and having their nappy changed. Then they go back to their “normal” lives where no body knows about this lifestyle/side of their personality. In “15 Stone Babies“, a documentary I watched on adult babies, one girl who was in her 20s felt like a shy 6-year-old child. She would dress up in pink frilly dresses. She had a boyfriend who would sometimes act as her “Daddy”, taking her hand and rocking her on the rocking chair. “It benefits her because it allows her to have experiences, to be young, to be trusting and be rewarded at those times,” reflects the boyfriend (37 mins). “To relearn that not everything that happens in life is bad. That people can take care of you. That it’s safe to trust.” Other times they were two equal, normal adults in a normal relationship. The way this girl carries herself when not in “little space” is completely different. I think it’s amazing the camera managed to catch her while she was in “little space”. She is undeniably a little child.

Princess Taysharni on YouTube has a great video about littles and “little space”. There are so many different factors that come into it such as psychology, your childhood, your behavioural mannerisms and overall coping mechanisms. Taysharni references a good description of littles and little space:

“A little is someone that likes to act younger than they really are. It’s kind of like having an alter ago that’s much younger then yourself. Most littles don’t act little 24/7, but when they do slip into their younger alter ego it’s called slipping into headspace. When they slip into their headspace, it’s called slipping.

When a little is in headspace that is when they are at their most submissive and most vulnerable, and sometimes even talk a higher pitch or with more of a lisp that normal. They’re more prone to emotional outbursts like throwing a tantrum or getting overly excited about something. They are also the neediest in this state, as they are not thinking like a grown up but like a child, and need a bit more guidance and reassurance. Some littles are shyer in headspace while others may become more outgoing. Every little is different and has their own headspace unique to them.”

Sometimes there’s a sexual aspect to adult babies, but let me be clear, these people are not pedophiles or sex offenders. They are not attracted to children, they feel they are a child.

I think there are aspects of adult babies that a lot of people can relate to. Many adults still sleep with soft toys. My dad and I even go to playgrounds together and swing on the swings or ride the flying fox. I’m yet to understand the relationship between littles and things like autism, BPD, DID and trauma, but I often notice very child like behaviours, dress, ways of looking at the world and ways of relating to people in these groups. The people in the documentaries reported somewhat difficult childhoods and lives. Sometimes I wonder whether we are all stuck trying to live this idyllic childhood that we never had. This was certainly the case with the adult baby in this video who is also trans. She explains how she never got the chance to be a little girl. She grew up a little boy. She finds it’s nice to be able to create new memories through being an adult baby girl.

Mental hospitals are full of colouring books, and during one admission one of the other girls brought a life-sized soft toy (a teddy or rabbit I think, can’t quite remember) to group as she was feeling extremely anxious. I identify with a lot of what I have been learning about adult babies, and find that bigger soft toys take me into “little space”, as they make me feel smaller. I like the idea of sleeping in a crib, but I actually have something even better. My dad built me an enclosure/tiny room around my bed designed to block noise from the neighbour which was waking me up. The walls are packed with insulation and it has a sliding, double glazed window door to get in and out. It has been given a variety of names such as my “princess box”, “igloo” or “barn”. I’m finding that my littlies, or “inner children” as I sometimes call them (I’m not sure I have only one little) absolutely love the hideaway. It is like the cubby houses and forts that children like to be in.

I am a child at heart. People often think I am ten years younger than I really am. I love wearing colourful clothes with cute prints or cat ears. I love unicorns. I love things like my Holly Hobbie vintage thermos and rabbit flannelette sheets and doona which were designed for kids. I love reading Enid Blyton, especially ‘The Enchanted Wood”, “Hollow Tree House” and “The Secret Island”.

Deep down I long to be taken care of. I was told by a psychiatrist once that I relate to people like I’m a child and I need to “grow up”. I have at times when under extreme stress regressed to a child. I think my psychologist may have witnessed this once before as all I wanted to do one session was sit on the floor and play with the toys in her office. It has also happened while in hospital. I climbed up onto the reception desk and became non-verbal. I just wanted the nurses to lift me down, take my hand and tuck me into bed. I found the old post I wrote about this experience here. Over the years I have found that certain people have really seen and brought out the little child in me, such as Betty.

There was also a time I regressed to bed-wetting from extreme stress.

I have known these things about myself. My psychologist does Internal Family Systems and we talk about my younger “parts”. But recently I have taken this to a whole new level. I was in bed cuddling my Jellycat Rabbit when I suddenly felt the need to suck on a pacifier (which is how I discovered adult babies). There was also a sexual aspect to the experience where I wanted to be subjected to things. I find this part of my personality likes other people to take control and make decisions for me. They even somewhat liked the idea of being forcibly medicated last year by our case management team. However the rest of my parts were scared shitless, and we ended up fleeing the city. I am still very confused by my sexuality and how it relates to my littles. I did sexual things with other girls when I was child, but since then I have had little interest in sex. Apart from the things I did as a child, I have only ever let one person touch me, and that happened in my late 20s. I then decided I didn’t really want to continue it. This person commented yesterday that he felt quite a young, child-like energy when we did those things together.

I think the most damaging thing somebody can do is to treat a person as their biological age rather than their inner sense of age. This is just like continuing to call a trans person their assigned gender/pronouns rather than who they really are. In fact I have heard adult babies referred to as “trans-age” and “age fluid”, terms borrowed from the LGBT+ community. I have decided to embrace this side of me and buy some kids stuff for my littlies. I’m feeling drawn to curl up in my “princess box” with my bunny and watch cartoons as well. I was at first embarrassed about all this, but I’m starting to realise it is more common than I thought. It is exciting the journey I am on and the healing that can come from this.