This week I joined a site called fetlife.com which was recommended by someone on an adult baby forum. I really just wanted to meet other adult babies (or “littles”) in Melbourne, but I have been inundated with messages from straight men wanting sex and photographs. A lot of these men don’t even show their faces in their pictures, just their dicks. This evening I got another message from a man with a penis as his profile picture, even after writing on my profile that I am on the asexual spectrum, gay and DO NOT WANT DICK PICS. I wanted to puke. Seriously, does ANYONE like looking at dicks?! I have blocked every single man with dick pics, but unfortunately I don’t think it will put an end to this.

People don’t understand that being “little” is so much more than a kink. It can actually be part of DID for some people. Going into “littlespace” has been described as “trance-like”. In my experience it sometimes feels like I’m on drugs. I’m very out of it, I lose my normal inhibitions, sometimes I can’t even speak and I am vulnerable while in this state. I came onto this site naively looking for a play date (and I mean that in the most innocent, non-sexual way) with another little. I was not expecting to be bombarded with dick pics. I’m finding all these ads, messages and pictures extremely distressing. I just want to break down and cry, and sometimes it sends me even further into littlespace.

I continue to talk with one guy. He’s really into me and that worries me when he doesn’t even know me, he’s just seen pictures of me. He thinks I’m really cute. He lives in New-Zealand and is saying he wants to move to Melbourne now. He won’t tell me anything about himself and I haven’t seen a picture of his face. I don’t know why I keep talking to him. It is flattering that people find me so attractive, but all the red flags are there.

I should probably delete my account, but it’s the only place I can be so open about being an adult baby. I have also found a group for littles and they have non-sexual gatherings. I’d really like to go to one. I can relate to the people in this group. A lot of the females are demisexual as well where emotional connection is important. They are equally disgusted by the way men treat us like we’re some kind of kink toy. I’m not opposed to doing sexual things (and have a few kinks myself), but only if someone gets to know who I am and that level of trust, care, patience and emotional bond is there. People must get to know my mind first before they get to know my body.

I have had a bad run with all this lately and I think it’s been affecting my mental health more than I realise. Earlier in the month, a male friend and I stripped naked and ran around a park at night. He then started asking me for revealing photographs. I realise now it was quite inappropriate and it made me uncomfortable. Then on the 12th of November I had a horrific dream about being held hostage, raped and tortured, and from that point onwards my mental health took a nosedive. I think I do have sexual trauma, and all this is not helping one bit.

I am really quite disgusted by men right now. I remember when I was 13 I met a guy on “Habbo Hotel”. He started cyberstalking me and told me he was going to find me in real life and rape me. There are some really fucked up people in this world. I have experienced some really messed up things that most people wouldn’t even believe. Right now I really want nothing more to do with men. I know it is an emotional reaction and not all men are this awful, but I can’t help how I feel. I can’t even eat vanilla yoghurt without feeling like it’s semen. I’m hoping to go into hospital again soon and be cared for as I’m in a lot of distress.