“And what if I’m a snowstorm burning
What if I’m a world unturning
What if I’m an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I’m the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I’m a siren singing gentlemen to sleep”

Emilie Autumn, ‘What If‘

I am nearing the end of my stay in hospital, and I feel like I have got the respite I needed. Mostly. I still didn’t delete my Fet Life account, and have continued to get straight men with disgusting profile pictures messaging me, even when my profile says I’m a lesbian, am asexual and anyone who sends me dick pictures will be blocked. There really are some awful people out there, and every time I got a message it would set me back. Last night I wrote an emotive email to the site telling them I am suicidal and in a psych ward now because of them, and if they won’t help stop these messages, I will be deleting my account. I went to bed at 9pm, and I’m surprised I slept as I was so distressed. Not only did I sleep, but I actually had a beautiful dream. Instead of dwelling on all the things I don’t want, I dreamt of the life I did want. I was living in the countryside, with lots of space. Just over the fence was the property of the soulful woman of my dreams. I watched her dance, and then I decided to join her. We engaged in a seductive duo, and lots of people came to watch as our energy together was so special and so powerful. I then woke up at 2pm, disappointed to be awake, but the magic of my interaction with this women still pulsing through my veins.

My heart longs to be with a woman. I’m sorry men, but that’s the way it is. You can love bomb me all you like but you will never change the way I lean. You can caress me with words but if your actions don’t align then I’ll kiss you goodbye.

Today, I heard back from Fet Life. I have now figured out how to change my privacy settings and I feel confident that I will no longer be sexually harassed.

I will be discharged on Wed, and I feel ready to go. I feel more centred. I feel those little parts of myself have gone back inside and the druid, spiritual, earth being I am has now taken the lead. I don’t know if this is what Internal Family Systems call the ‘self energy’, but it feels good, like a the first rainfall after a very long drought. I want to go home to the forests where I live and ground myself after being tossed around and around by all these different personalities and sent down bizarre rabbit holes such as Fet Life.