It has been a while since I have engaged in any child stuff (watching cartoons, wearing cute onesies etc.) but lately I have felt the need to do this again, which is a form of self-care for me. It is a solitary thing for me. I did almost find a “daddy” on FetLife. Most of the men on there were disgusting and just traumatised me and my child parts further, however I did meet one man who didn’t treat me like a fetish toy. However, I think I scared him away when I opened up to him about my mental health issues and overdose. I don’t really know what he was thinking as he never replied. I do feel a little rejected, but I don’t regret opening up to him. I want people to know and love all of me. Trust and emotional connection is important to me, and that is what I was attempting to build when I shared these things with him. As I said on my profile, people MUST get to know my mind first before I let them get to know my body. It’s important to me to be “held” not just physically but emotionally. I want someone who will care for my mental health. Obviously he couldn’t do that, which is a little disappointing, but honestly I didn’t really want a male caregiver anyway. I did feel like he was rushing into things a bit. I only met him once, and then he asked if I would like him to pick me up for cuddles next time I see him. I honestly didn’t really feel comfortable as that emotional bond hadn’t been formed yet.

Anyway, that is an update on all that stuff. I watch Reese Oliveira’s cover of “You’ll Be In My Heart” and that is the kind of relationship my little part(s) long for.

I am going into a private hospital tomorrow, and am really hoping for a better stay than my previous admissions. I am grateful they are willing to admit me at 3pm, rather than in the morning, as my sleeping patterns are completely reversed now (I got up at 4pm today).