I want to cry. I don’t even know why, but I am falling. Maybe it is because I overexerted myself today. Maybe it is all the strange staff here with their strange, archaic rules. Maybe it was the way one of them has taken an interest in me and wanted me to join her groups. I thought it was nice at first, until she wanted me to go to her social skills group and teach me how to make more eye contact. It felt like conversion therapy. It felt like she was trying to change who I am. I am autistic, I don’t need fixing. I went to three groups today. During my final group my phone started ringing. I took it out of my pocket to shut it up but then noticed it was the hospital. I thought I better take the call as they might be worried about me and think I’d gone missing again. I excused myself and went out into the corridor. I then ran into the staff member who wanted me to go to her social skills group, which no body else had signed up for. She told me we’re not allowed phones in group, and if I leave to take a phone call I cannot go back in as it’s disruptive. She said she wanted to talk to me anyway. I felt like a fly caught in a spiderweb. I told her I didn’t know about that rule, and explained that I thought I needed to take the call as it was the hospital.

“They said I could go back in,” I told her. Finally she backed off and let me return to my group.

Maybe I am falling because there is something not right about this place. It reminds me of the carnivorous island in Life of Pi. An island that seems like paradise, but has a dark side. Maybe it is the Dexamphetamine I’m taking. Maybe it is the “crash” people talk about. Maybe I have a chemical dependency on sanity now. On this drug for once in my life I feel normal. My mood is normal, if not a little high. I am a different person. I am more social. I have energy. Things don’t feel so hard anymore. But it doesn’t last, like most things in life. As soon as it wears off my old friend depression is there waiting for me. I’m starting to feel like a druggie chasing that high. And I worry the honeymoon phase is over. I am no longer feeling as good as I used to feel when I took Dex. It’s a tease. It got my hopes up. It gave me a taste of what being normal and well feels like, but will not let me have it. I will keep taking it though hoping for a win, just like a gambler.

Maybe I want to cry because I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I sat up late on my laptop, another addiction of mine. Brushing my teeth felt like climbing a mountain and so I procrastinated for hours. I also needed to process my black out. But I don’t think I need another label right now. It will just lead me to expect this kind of thing to happen again, but it may not.

Maybe it is all of this. All I know is the weather is changing and I am not in control of any of this.