“The bigger they are the harder they fall.” Pitbull – Timber

I’ve been taking Dexamphetamine every day for almost a week now. I can’t remember if I’ve ever taken it this consistently. At home I don’t think I took it every day. I then stopped taking it altogether as it didn’t seem to be making me feel better anymore. But now that I’m in hospital, I am trying it again and have noticed a difference each day I’ve taken it. It’s been lifting me from an extremely depressed and amotivated state to a normal mood for a few hours. But this drug is as unpredictable as the ocean. Often we develop a tolerance to drugs when we take them for a while. Their effect wears off and we require higher doses. I thought I was reaching the end of my honeymoon phase with Dexamphetamine. But looks like our summertime fling is not over yet. My doctor said it can have a stronger effect when taken on an empty stomach. So late morning, just after I got up and before I’d eaten anything, I took it. Holy shit. Its impact was quick. Whether it was the fact I took it on an empty stomach, or I was already in a funny headspace (I didn’t have a good night last night and had some very strange dreams), soon enough I found myself strapped into a rollercoaster beginning its ascent. I read a book for a while, something which I usually don’t have the concentration for. I then started frantically listening to music and messaging a whole bunch of people, including people I had not spoken to for a long time due to my depression. I told them I felt like I’ve finally turned a corner. I felt on top of the world mentally, but very off physically. I felt shaky and weak like I was going to pass out from being so high. I also had a stomach ache. But it was worth it for the high.

This high, however, was a fragile high. It felt a little different from my manic episode a bit over a year ago which lasted for days, maybe even a week or so, and nothing could bring me down. Today all it took was for someone to sit in their car in the carpark below my room and blast music and it was all over red rover. I couldn’t handle the thump thump thump of the bass. It just cranked up my already heightened state. It is something that would bother me even at the best of times due my autism. But I heard that when we are manic, we can become even more sensitive to stimulation. This is an account from someone on reddit:

“My mania also tends to make me want to stay inside alone, because the outside world is over stimulating and sends me into a tailspin. Seriously, help is being manic in a super market. My mania typically goes through stages. but the weeeeee I love the world stage can easily turn into the “AHHHHH COLORS! COLORS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!” stage. While Mania+overstimulation+panic attacks is hell though, I’m really lucky in that Mania has never made me violent or dellusional.”

I’ve wanted to cry all day, both because I felt so good and also because I felt so bad. The “I hate the world and wanna kill myself” thoughts started creeping in again. Turns out the light at the end of the tunnel was the headlamp of an oncoming train. The nurse had to give me an antipsychotic. Finally the hoon below me fucked off. I lay in bed trying to limit all stimulation. I felt all the life drain out of me. “What goes up must come down”, as my friend put it. I felt like I had just fallen from the tip of Mt Everest to the bottom of the ocean. I wasn’t able to go to group, and I was barely able to get up, get dressed and see my mum, who dropped in on her way back from work. I felt so weak, depressed and washed out. Whether that was from not eating all day or the medication, I’m not sure.

Doctors have warned me that if I keep taking ADD stimulants I may get bipolar disorder (if I don’t already have it, that is). But I think I’d still prefer bipolar than uni-polar depression where every day you are smothered by a thick black cloud and the sun never comes out. Yes these mood swings really toss me about (and I do not like the anxiety that can come with them), but my highs aren’t to the point where they’re ruining my life (e.g. ridiculous spending, having sex with anyone), and the crash is not any worse than what I have been through the last 10 years. I have survived it before, and I will survive it again, especially if I know the sun will come out again, as brief as it is. What I’m finding most difficult right now is calming my nervous system down. While on the one hand it’s a good thing this is happening in hospital as I am in a safe environment, hospitals can be noisy and that is making it hard to settle. I still feel like I have a thousand butterflies thrashing about in my stomach. I’m actually sitting in the courtyard typing this as I could hear a lot of voices outside my bedroom and it was triggering another break down in me. It’s a bit cold but I still prefer that to the noise. The quiet nourishes my mind and soul, and as I recharge, I can already feel a second wind of the high coming on.