You hear all kinds of shit when you’re traumatised and grieving. My mum, while well-meaning, is not the most empathetic person. I think she thought it would be good for me to get out, so we met up today. We went for a walk, a stroll I can usually manage, but I was so weak today it felt like running a marathon. We then got some food and ate it in a park before heading home. In the car home she implied that I was choosing to be miserable, and was not making an effort to feel better, despite it taking everything I had left in me to go out. I would never have told her she’s choosing to be sad when she lost her parents, so I can’t believe she had the nerve to tell me something like this. My grief is disenfranchised; few people understand the depth of my feelings for and dependence on my psychologist. I have people tell me things like “you fall off your bike you get back on”. There is pressure all around us to move on after experiencing trauma.

I have a great handout on how trauma can affect us (available here). Here are some of the many things we can experience when we have suffered a trauma, and NONE of these are within our control:

  • Feeling scared: The trauma has taught your mind and body that bad things can happen. You might feel like there is no God or anyone/anything looking out for you. It is normal to feel scared or anxious for some time afterwards. You might notice your heart racing, feel sweaty, or feel shaky.
  • Looking out for danger
  • Avoidance: avoiding people, places, thoughts, memories, and other reminders are common after experiencing a trauma. We may turn to drugs and alcohol to numb ourselves. Last night I sat up most of the night as I was too scared to go to bed when all the thoughts and pain hit me given I have nothing to distract me anymore. Finding old appointment cards have been triggering. Hearing another person in hospital talk about seeing their psychologist was triggering given I had just lost mine. Even going to Phillip Island is a bit triggering as I know it’s a place my psychologist loves going to as well. And part of me wants to avoid people in general as I find it hard to trust anyone anymore. Sitting in the park looking at other people hanging out with friends and family made me feel like I’m not part of the world going on around me. For some reason sitting in the park triggered me. The empty field reminded me of the vast emptiness within. It was a beautiful spot I’d always longed to share with my psychologist, even though I knew that could never happen. I often want to just pack my suitcase, move away and start a new life somewhere else. Monday is going to be hell as Mondays were the day I saw my psychologist for the past 4 years. I will probably just drink.
  • Dissociation/detachment/numbness: there are many types of dissociation. If this is something you want to understand more I recommend the article Out of the Attic, the Dissociative Experiences Scale, and The Shutdown Dissociative Scale article
  • Nightmares, sleeping badly and wetting the bed
  • Problems concentrating: my mum keeps suggesting reading a book. She doesn’t understand I just don’t have the concentration for this right now
  • Flashbacks/intrusive memories of the trauma
  • Difficulty trusting people: After you have been hurt by others it can be very difficult to trust anyone, even if they are not the same people who hurt you. You might feel uncomfortable being around other people. You may not even trust yourself, as you’ve had your gut instincts and judgement skillfully undermined by someone, as I discussed in a previous post
  • Feeling angry
  • Feelings in your body such as headaches, stomache aches, other unexplained pains, tingles, dizziness
  • Feelings of sadness, loss and hopelessness
  • Changes to eating patterns
  • Recklessness
  • Either wanting to be alone, or being scared to be left alone
  • No energy
  • Psychogenic seizures
  • Emotional outburts (e.g. screaming and crying), or, conversely, blunt affect where all the pain and tears are stuck inside without any expression
  • Blaming yourself: this is a nasty one and one I woke up feeling today. I felt it was all my fault my psychologist left. If I had of been different, if I had of not been so full on and distressed all the time, if I had of not written so many emails or certain text messages then maybe she wouldn’t have left me. The level of self-blame and self-hate can be so bad you want to kill yourself. I am reminded of the song “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails. I am also reminded of “Scar” by Missy Higgins and “All Be Happy: A gothic anthem story ” by Donna Williams which is about all the pressures the world puts on us to be someone we’re not

“A triangle tryna squeeze through a circle… she tried to blunt me so I’d fit.” Missy Higgins

I never thought I’d have to hide how I really feel with a therapist, but even she didn’t accept me. She told me she may consider taking me back when I am more stable, but she would be abandoning me at my lowest. I will never forgive her or go back to her for turning her back on me. What did Marilyn Monroe say? “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” The thing is I actually was starting to stabilise though. I had found a wonderful psychiatrist, I was recovering from my flu, and I was about to return to badminton after months off. That was all ruined by her abandoning me under the guise of a meeting to increase my supports.