crumbs

This quote is from a Facebook page called “Dreaming on Two Wheels”. Is it just what I needed to hear this evening, and I wanted to share it in case it’s what somebody else needs too.

I sustained myself for a long time on the bread crumbs of love my psychologist gave me. I accepted that I was only worthy of someone paying attention to my emotions for one hour a week (well not even that… towards the end my psychologist said sessions were actually 50 minutes) in exchange for $214. I reached out to my psychologist by email throughout the week, but there came a point where she would no longer even read them. As my self worth grew, I started to ask for more. I told her I needed someone who would give me contact between sessions, or at the very least read my emails. I only call the clinic if it’s an emergency, but I had one day where I really needed to speak to someone as I was getting some scary dissociative symptoms. The clinic ignored my call. I was angry that they turned their back on me when I needed help. I’ve been getting more and more angry with my psychologist, and I think this is actually a sign of progress. As Lyndsey Gallant writes, “Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse are unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well, and with kindness.  Your anger is a part of you that loves you.” Once I started protesting the level of care I was getting, I was given the flick. I think what happened is I essentially outgrew the relationship. Now I am seeing a therapist who charges half the price yet will call me on the weekend on his way out to dinner after getting a text from me saying I feel hopeless and suicide is on my mind. The other day I had trouble getting into Facebook and he even made a post to his Facebook asking for help on my behalf.

My psychologist said she might see me again if I am better. But I have enough dignity and self-love now that I refuse to crawl back to somebody who will abandon me at my lowest. She has underestimated my growth and even though I became addicted to her I am stronger than this addiction. I am proud that my final words to her were “fuck you”.

Alanis Morissette, who is featured in Sensitive the Movie, talks about being seen as too much as well. She writes a few songs about empowerment and self-love. I will finish with one called “I Will Be Good”. It reminds me to unconditionally love myself and value myself in a world where we are often not loved unconditionally. In a world where I will be abandoned by a therapist even for not being enough, such as well enough (or in other services, unwell enough!) The song can be heard on YouTube here (Nara Ferriani has made a great video to it).