hsphaven

Every day I get urges to kill myself. Last night I called Lifeline. I actually found the lady who picked up really helpful. She was horrified by my psychologist’s behaviour and said she shouldn’t be practicing. Something I’ve learnt about Lifeline is they are there for anyone in distress and needing someone to talk to, you don’t have to be suicidal. Today when I woke up I called Blue Knot, a helpline for those with childhood trauma. They offer free, weekly 45 minute counselling sessions, though it’s a different counsellor each time. I’ve been meaning to check them out. I didn’t find the lady as empathetic and am not sure I will call them again next week.

I’ve been thinking a bit about my combination of personality disorders today. Each personality disorder is basically a defense strategy we develop to deal with trauma and pain. I have what might seem like an odd combination: BPD and Schizoid Personality Disorder. It is like having two people in my head arguing.

“You should have listened to me and never got involved with that psychologist”, Schizoid brags.

“I was right all along. Psychologists are dangerous. Attachments are dangerous. The only person you have and can rely on is yourself.”

But Borderline has a real need for attachment. The monochrome life of the Schizoid is unbearable.

The worst thing for Borderline is abandonment and loss. The worst thing for Schizoid is contact and suffocation. The two are constantly at war, and I struggle to find a middle ground.

Today I wanted to connect with who I really am beyond these defenses. I decided to go for an evening, solitary walk wearing my native American headdress. I don’t wear it for attention, I wear it because it is who I am. I feel a connection to Shamanism and have spent the last 12 years in the “underworld”. I feel like a lotus, a beautiful flower that grows in mud. Today I felt myself finally starting to come out of the “underworld” for a bit. The headdress helps me connect with the Earth.

It was a perfect, quiet evening. I left my phone in the car and unplugged for a while. As Anne Lamott said, “Almost everything will work again if you just unplug it for a little while. Including you.” With my psychologist gone, I found I have all this energy, headspace (and petrol!) for something else. I was ready for something else. I started thinking about returning to study as I loved uni life. I don’t think I could ever return to psychology after psychologists causing me so much trauma, but I was thinking about sociology. I then thought about getting into Buddhism where I can learn to be still, detached and at peace.

I reached a bridge where I stood and watched the river flow under me. It was then that I noticed a man with his dog had stopped near me. The dog was tied to a rope and was trying to leap at me. The man was captivated by my headdress and asked if he could take a photo of me. I thought that would be fairly harmless, so let him take some photos. He then wanted my number to send the photos to.  The dog was now jumping on me and I felt uncomfortable. It is very hard for me to know what to do when I am caught off guard. Someone told me recently that one of the things trauma does to us is disconnect us from our gut instincts. I automatically go into people pleasing mode. I have given my mobile number out to lost men I’ve met on the street before. These men then start hitting on me and pursuing a relationship with me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone during my walk and didn’t know what to say to this man. I felt like I had done the full circle and was back in the same situation that landed me in therapy in the first place: being hassled by men I don’t want a relationship with. I ended up thanking him but saying I have pictures of myself in this outfit and I might see him around. I am proud of myself for managing to say no. The man said he was married and wasn’t hitting on me. I don’t know what he wanted (maybe nothing, who knows), but I think it’s an achievement that I managed to say no.