hsphaven

“I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left
I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left”

– Kate Bush, This Woman’s Work

Yesterday I had plans to go to Box Hill and see somebody I met in hospital. I was going to catch the train there. It has been a long time since I’ve been on the train. I drove to the train station, staggered up the ramp, and swiped my Myki card, only to be told it had expired. I was furious. Nobody staffed the train station and the train was nearly there. I ran into the supermarket over the road and asked if they sold Myki cards. They didn’t, but told me the milkbar up the road did. I slouched up to the milkbar as the train pulled in, wondering if I should just catch the next train and tell my friend I’d be half an hour late, or call for a taxi, which would be expensive. I bought the new Myki, but to my surprise, when I left the milkbar the train was still there. I decided to make a run for it. I felt like I was going to collapse from the stress, but I actually made it onto the train about a minute before it left. It was waiting for another train to arrive before it could leave. There were some girls from my old high school sitting on the carriage. They decided to make fun of me because of my earmuffs I wear to block noise, and probably my whole attire (I was wearing a rainbow top and baggy, men’s cargo pants). They giggled as I passed. I rarely go out in public and forgot that people target me because I’m different. I had gone to the school these girls were from up until Year Nine when I left due to bullying. Sadly, it looked like the school hadn’t changed one bit.

I continued on to the front carriage and sat down two carriages away from them. I felt a mixture of amazement that I still managed to catch the train, and hurt that these girls tried to drag me down after everything I go through. I told this story to my disability worker today. He emailed the school telling them how disappointed he is in their students for making fun of his autistic client on the train, and how they should educate their students about disability.

I don’t think I give myself enough credit for how persistent I am even when the odds are stacked against me. Even during my final years of school I pushed on with my study despite all the bullying, all my mental health issues, and also moving house. I studied in the motel my family stayed at while our new house was being renovated, and at one point I studied in our tiny laundry. Despite all of this, I came out on top and was school dux. It was a polite way of sticking the finger up at everyone who had tried to drag me down. I continued to study hard throughout my psychology degree despite being in therapy and being depressed and suicidal. I got mostly High Distinctions for every unit and made it into honours.

I bought myself this cup a little while ago. Yesterday was definitely one of those days.

I was pretty dispirited in my last post, but I don’t think I should give up just yet. Miracles are possible.

I was very anxious about seeing this girl I met in the hospital again, and I stayed anxious through the entire two hours we spent together. I frequently found myself “checking out” where I’d just mentally vanish for a bit, unsure where I went.

After I saw my friend I had dinner at a cool hot pot place. You pick the vegetables and other ingredients you want in your hot pot, put them in a bowl and then bring it to the counter for them to turn into a nice broth. The day really pushed me to my limits though. I took the rest of the broth home as I felt like I was going to pass out in the busy restaurant. Then when I got to the station my train was one minute away. I raced down the stairs, frustrated at the slowpokes in front of me. I managed to make it into the nearest carriage seconds before the doors shut. I was so relieved as Box Hill is madness and there are no quiet spots except for the park my friend and I sat in. This, however, was fifteen minutes away. I was just keen to get home. I was worried at one point I might not survive the train trip home. It was peak hour and while I used to ride crowded trains all the time when I was at uni, I can no longer hack them. Most of the seats on the train were taken, but I preferred to stand by the door anyway. At least the train wasn’t packed like sardines; a lot of people travelling home from the city get off at Box Hill, so there is space around the doors.

I went to bed early last night. I also took sleeping pills as I really wanted a better night’s sleep, but even the sleeping pills didn’t do anything. I am not sure why my sleep is so bad. I can’t get to sleep, am waking up early, and my sleep is not restful. I am restless and I have been grinding my teeth a lot. I hope it’s just my PMS and will get better once I finally get my period, but I am not sure. I am trying to get off my medication, which can be hell. I am actually part of an online group titled “Olanzapine withdrawal and insomnia”. It seems to be a common complaint for those trying to get off Olanzapine.