hsphaven

This is the card I sewed my therapist about two years ago. She got it framed and put it in her office. She has now callously discarded me, telling me I’m too “unstable” to work with, but I doubt she’ll take this down or return it to me. She will keep it up as she has no remorse. She may even keep it up as a trophy. I similarly spent six months working on a painting I gave to another therapist who did the same to me. I lose a little piece of myself each time.

I don’t have much more to write in this post. All my autistic friends seem to be going homeless right now. My sleep is particularly bad and I am exhausted, depressed and out of it all the time. Yet no matter how tired I am, I still can’t sleep. I have been expecting my period but it still hasn’t come. Right now my face burns and I don’t know if it’s from the sun, PMS, or whether I’m going into a VERY early menopause. I wish I could trade this body for something new. I am tired of all my ailments. I have also been really dispirited with my love life. I have never had a partner and don’t know if I ever will. I think I have so much anxiety around people from my Complex PTSD that I am just in survival mode the entire time I’m with people and don’t get the chance to feel anything deeper. I don’t know whether to call myself asexual as I don’t want people to get the idea that there is something wrong with asexual people. I don’t believe there is for other asexual people, but in my case I wonder if my mental health contributes to my asexuality. For the most part I am an aromantic asexual. I was not always this way though. As a child I was much more outgoing, could connect with people better, and did sexual things with other girls. In Grade 3 there was even a girl who was a bit like a girlfriend to me. But around the age of nine, when I moved to my fourth primary school and was bullied, something happened to my brain that made the world seem so far away. I withdraw into myself and I lost my confidence and interest in both sex and romance. It’s strange, as people think as children we don’t have those feelings for people and it is something we get when we become teenagers, but for me it was the other way around. I actually hate being asexual, as I have something to compare it to. I have had those feelings, but I don’t any more. I feel like I’m missing out on a huge part of life, as though I am colour blind or life is just one dimensional. I guess all this is coming to the forefront of my mind as a friend recently started dating someone. As I watch all my friends get together with people, move in together and start families I feel left behind by the world. I am constantly lonely and yet I hate being around people at the same time. I have become like the man Simon & Garfunkel sings about in “A Most Peculiar Man”.