“I wonder if it’s my last time

To visit this place Earth

I wonder if I have a choice

Come back as a rebirth

I don’t think that I will come back

I think my lesson’s learned

I think I’ve suffered quite enough

I don’t wish to return”

~ Silvia Rosario

It’s been two weeks since my overdose and I haven’t improved one bit. I’m terrified I’m going to be stuck with this tremor for the rest of my life, and all for what? One night where I didn’t have to face life because I was smashed, and two days in hospital? My doctor doesn’t want to give me any more benzos now and blames me for what happened. We have a mental health system where you show up at ED asking for help and are sent home, then when you injure yourself later in the week you are seen to be “attention seeking” and asking for help in the wrong way! I left that session with my shrink crying.

I tried to go back to badminton and table tennis this week. It’s difficult to play with the tremor, but I still can. I left early this evening though as I just couldn’t enjoy myself. The lights were too bright, I was dizzy and everything was a blur. This is not unusual for me. I did my best to return the shots through the fog, like driving a car through a rainstorm.

Years ago I followed a completely natural diet free from anything manmade. I had to have my therapist on the other end of the phone in order to take one eight of my first antidepressant. How did I get from being terrified of taking one eight of a tablet to taking packets of diazepam, sleeping pills, codeine and alcohol all in one night? I hardly reognise myself anymore. It was the worst overdose I’ve ever taken and definitely one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done. Just when you think life can’t get any worse, believe me it can. Never take for granted the little things, such as not having a tremor.

All I want is to feel comfortable in my body.  As Emilie Autumn sings in “What Will I Remember?”, when the body suffers is it really madness to want to break these chains? I used to be an active person. I used to enjoy walking, dancing and playing sport. Now those things have been compromised. It is even hard to type as my arms are weak. I feel like I’m just waiting until the day I die. I wonder if I will then, finally, get relief, or whether, as some spiritualists believe, I will find myself in a similar life because I have not learnt the lesson? I hope for the former.