I’m going under, to a place no body can reach me. I have stopped fighting to stay afloat.

My tremor is worse when I get up, so I’m staying in bed all day. It’s making me sicker and sicker. I got up this evening to eat something, despite everything in me wanting to stay in bed. I put on my earmuffs and turn the blender on. I just wanted to be left alone but my dad comes over and I hear a low, constant muffle as he speaks. No body can see that I am dying. I ignore him hoping he will stop talking to me, hoping he will notice I am wearing earmuffs and leave me alone. But he keeps on talking. I don’t know what he’s saying. I can’t hear anything underwater. My head hurts, I’m dizzy, I don’t feel right on every level. I want to scream at him to shut up but I end up just ignoring him and going back to my bed which is both my safe haven and torture chamber. I leave my phone on flight mode. I am silently slipping away, losing all hope. I receive an email that I have been discharged from yet another mental health service. I hear car doors shut outside and a part of me hopes someone is here to rescue me, but there is no knock on the door. I feel like I’m dying, but it no longer scares me. I am ready.