Since I absconded from the hospital, mental health triage have been trying to contact me. I’ve been leaving my phone off and avoiding their calls. I know they don’t give a fuck, they just want to tick their box and be done with me. Today at 2:30pm my dad woke me to say my mum was coming to the house in ten minutes. She wanted to hand me her phone and get me to talk with them. I took off in my car, barely awake.

It’s so surreal to be conscious. Lately I’ve felt like I’ve been losing contact with the world, dying even. I have been very aware of my own mortality. While I want to die, I am also terrified of being swallowed up by my subconscious mind and realising I am ultimately alone, that no body can save me, that no body can reach me, that even if someone’s with me holding my hand I will longer be able to feel it. Sadly these distressing feelings are familiar to me. I went out with a friend last night and sat in my favourite bohemian restaurant. I thought if I were to die, it wouldn’t be such a bad place to die surrounded by kind, spiritual staff. It is about time they ban dogs there though, as they bark and ruin the otherwise quiet courtyard. It is the only cafe I can tolerate due to my noise sensitivity/autism but it is becoming inaccessible like every other cafe.

Today when I heard my mum was coming to the house I drove to a park. I got out of my car to walk to the toilet block. I passed a group of people having a party and some kids popped a loud party popper in front of me. It gave me such a shock. It reminded me just how much I fucking hate it here, and I wanted to kill myself again. I feel like I’m living in a completely different world to everyone around me.

I tried to attend a winter solstice event this evening. I like the woman who runs it and the idea of sitting around a campfire on her bush property sharing stories. But when I got there I was overwhelmed by all the people, so I left. I didn’t even feel a part of my own tribe. They were still part of the land of the living whereas my world is one of illness, hospitals and death. I forgot there was a festival on this weekend, and the trip back was scary with traffic and people everywhere. Especially after the day I had I just wanted everyone to fuck off!

It’s a triggering time for many people in my support group. It is during full moon and solstices that many satanic abuse rings hold their rituals.

I am still fucked from my overdose. My pulse pounds when I’m in bed. Sometimes I want to scream. Frequently I will walk to the nearest train line and sit on the hill next to the tracks. I want it all to be over.

I wrote the following text to my mum today re speaking with mental health triage:

“No. I am not speaking with them. Don’t think they care, they do not. Don’t show up at Dad’s house and force me to speak with them, I will not, and I may not speak with you either if you do it again”